To talk to MIL about how much ‘stuff’ she buys the kids?

[Blazepidgeon]

I have a very sweet MIL who is excited to be a granny to our kids and my two kids from a previous relationship. I get it, being a granny is exciting, I would be excited as well, it’s lovely. And it’s so nice that she treats her step grandkids the same, she’s a gem.

However, this often manifests itself in a way that honestly feels like love-bombing, especially in terms of gift-giving. We live in a pretty small house, so we’re quite careful about what we buy and bring into the house. It’s also just one of our parenting goals to raise kids who don’t feel they need a lot of ‘stuff’ to be fulfilled and have a real gratitude for the things they have. So at Easter the kids get one nice egg and they’re so happy with that. At Christmas we do the ‘something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read’ thing and a few small stocking gifts from Santa. Again, kids happy and really value their presents.

however MIL will get them gigantic sacks full of presents, two sacks each AND a Santa stocking. It’s ridiculous, like, can’t fit them under the tree or in the living room, we have to open them over several days. And the kids just end up ripping the presents open and putting them to the side because there are so many, so aren’t really appreciating them. I’m sorry to say at the end of the Christmas period we tend to have a present amnesty and some years the kids have ended up donating about 70% of their gifts. She will knowingly give multiples of things that they already have. Last year she gave us all items that she admitted she didn’t even know what their purpose was. It’s crazy.

this year at Easter she said she was going to organise an Easter egg hunt, lovely, the kids got 10 cream egg sized hollow eggs each, which was more than enough. They had a lovely time. We were grateful that she’d put in the effort to do it and she’d organised some games. Really special. But then out comes a plastic storage box full of eggs. The kids get two full size Easter eggs each. Then she brings out random gifts, with their boxes filled with loose sweets. Then more big bags of sweets. A tray of Reece’s eggs for our 5 month old baby…
We ended up leaving with bags and bags of stuff and the masses of gift giving really dominated the day, rather than the egg hunt, games and family time.

my partner is on the same page, but refuses to talk to her about anything (like, wouldn't even talk to her when she wasn’t buckling the kids into the car correctly) and says ‘you can’t stop her’. I completely disagree and think we need to ask her to respect our parenting values, and feel it’s important that our kids overriding memory of their granny isnt extreme gift giving.

WIBU to ask her to kindly and inoffensively
tone it down? And how could I do that without sounding like an uptight killjoy?!

ExMIL did the sacks of plastic rubbish too… she would arrive with actual bin bags full of gifts. I’d try to cull a lot when DS was little, but she loved seeing him open stuff so a lot of it got ripped open, played with for five minutes then discarded (then donated). The waste really annoyed me - she wasn’t well off but she would rather spend £100 on all the cheap crap toys in B&M than £20 on something DS actively wanted, like a specific Lego set. I did give a few suggestions - he loved Magformers at one point, but she bought him a cheap knockoff version that didn’t fit with his set, and a massive pile of other stuff he never played with, because real Magformers were too expensive for a single item… ditto Lego, ditto Transformers… I think she has got a bit better now that DS is older and can say what he wants, but it’s no longer my problem and ExH gets to store it all!

DP’s family love buying gifts too (DD is the only girl child so they all love buying pink glittery dolls etc as a change from cars and dinosaurs) but did start buying clothes for DD instead of just mountains of toys. The clothes are often pink and sparkly too but at least they can be used!

If anyone asks for present ideas I almost always suggest a voucher/membership type gift. That can be anything from £5 for snacks at the cinema to a year’s membership to a local attraction. My parents tend to just send money as they know it’s easier all round, and it’s nice to be able to send them photos of the day out etc that they paid for.

people are going to come for me but I think it’s a generational thing.
im a millennial and I tend buy things in a more considered way then my parents. My mum buys so much stuff, things I don’t want or ask for. I kindly firmly politely say please don’t bring lots of stuff to my house. Often it’s 6 trips to the car to bring old things from the loft plus new stuff from the shops, clothes and toys etc.
she doesn’t listen and completely carries on as she wants. I find it so disrespectful

@Blazepidgeon we had the same and Christmas became ridiculous to the point we went away one year and said just to give DC one thing that could fit in a suitcase.

they meant well but DC were starting to expect huge amounts from everyone and it was just too much. My experience is that you need to be pretty firm about this and stick to your guns!

Going against the grain here but if your DP's approach is "you can't stop her" then I would 100% make it his problem what to do with all the unwanted stuff. At most, bag it up and leave it for him to take to the dump/charity shop/etc. If she ever asks "where is x" deflect to him. And if it means he's throwing away perfectly good toys, leave him to it. Not your circus.

Basically if both your DP and MIL are of the opinion that wasteful consumerism is a worthwhile use of their time and her money, leave them to it. You can be clear that it's not your job to clean up the resulting mess.