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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep my baby away from SIL Wedding?

51 replies

Gt1986 · 22/04/2025 21:22

So thanks in advance for reading!

My boy is 10 months old. Since starting nursery at 7 months he has been plagued with illness after illness after illness- we have had about 3 full weeks attendance since January, a million cold viruses, HFM, pneumonia requiring a hospital stay etc.

My SIL is getting married this week. They live in the north, we live in the south-about 4 hour drive each way.

The whole wedding festivities require a 2 night stay, so drive up north the day before, attend the wedding, stay over then drive home. Then there is a trip abroad the day after the drive home (4 hour flight, 5 days stay and then another 4 hour flight).

My boy has had another virus in the last 2 weeks. One of those where last week he literally slept for 4 days, had a fever for 4 days and when he did wake he just wanted milk, cried, shat then back to sleep.

He is on the road to recovery now but is still tiring easily, napping longer than usual and has a lingering cough, blocked nose etc. I have made the decision to not go to the wedding this week as in hindsight the whole event over a week and a halfs demands is way too much for a healthy baby, let alone one recovering from 3 months of constant illness and his most recent virus. Plus- exposure to loads of people and loads of germs.

I do want him to be as recovered as possible for the trip abroad, so although he is staying home I am not sending him to nursery this week.

I messaged SIL to explain my decision (my partner supports it and will go to the wedding still). I got a reply saying they were upset but understood but the next part made me a bit triggered like I'm making him sick or over egging his illness, "it's really worrying how ill he has been and have we gotten advice from the GP?' like he hasn't been to every service going in the last 3 months and like I'm not worried enough about it.

AIBU or selfish to stop him from: a 4 hour drive, a late wedding (starts mid pm and when he gets tired for bed he wants to go now), another 4 hour drive before coming back home to get ready for bed and then an early leave to catch a 4 hour flight? Or am I putting my kid first?

OP posts:
Jshrbt · 22/04/2025 21:33

It sounds like the right decision in the situation; I’ve made similar ones. I don’t think she is making out anything about you by her comments though so I wouldn’t read too much into it. It’s really tough when they start nursery

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 22/04/2025 21:35

I doubt anyone really wants a poorly /under the weather dc at a wedding....
Feel zero guilt op.

ButterCrackers · 22/04/2025 21:39

That’s a lot for anyone let alone a baby who has been sick so often. Stay at home and rest up.

Anxioustealady · 22/04/2025 21:40

Could she have been trying to convey that she cares about him/his health, so you didn't think she was annoyed about you not coming?

Haggisfish3 · 22/04/2025 21:41

Yanbu. Does sil have children? I wouldn’t have had a clue about how ill they can get and might have sent a similar message pre children!

Pihrd · 22/04/2025 21:45

Why did you book a holiday for the day after a wedding trip?

Have you missed other events with DH’s family because of the baby being unwell?

Writerbiter · 22/04/2025 21:46

The trip abroad, is that a holiday? Id be pretty miffed if you didn't come to my wedding but are happy to fly the next day.

LuluDelulu · 22/04/2025 21:48

To be fair I think it sounds like a genuine question. Maybe a bit clueless and clumsy but it doesn’t mean she’s annoyed with you. You’re definitely making the right decision. Your poor DC. Irrelevant to your thread but have you interrogated the nursery about their policies on illness etc? Some are worse than others and this sounds particularly bad.

yeesh · 22/04/2025 21:48

I wouldn’t miss the wedding of a close family member to go on a holiday

CatherinedeBourgh · 22/04/2025 21:50

She was trying to be sympathetic and not make it all about herself OP, not passing judgement on you.

When our dc are unwell we can take things a bit too personally. If she'd said, 'Oh, OK' you would have felt like she didn't give a shit, if she had made a big fuss you would have felt like she wasn't being understanding, instead she is being understanding and trying to engage with how you are feeling, and giving you an opening to tell her about it.

She's done nothing wrong, and neither are you.

Sorry you are going through a rough patch.

BryantVibes · 22/04/2025 21:50

I’d take him out if that nursery and find another one!! His poor little body needs a break. What you going to do on the holiday?

Original poster
Gt1986 · 22/04/2025 21:52

She's got 2 adults children, a grandson who is 5 and 2 step kids to be! So she knows (or should do)

OP posts:
Original poster
Gt1986 · 22/04/2025 21:53

So the holiday is part of the wedding, and they're all going. They arranged and invited it as a post wedding celebration.

OP posts:
LuluDelulu · 22/04/2025 21:54

She hasn’t done anything wrong here really. I think you’re being understandably oversensitive. It sounds like a tough situation having a ten month old have to go to
nursery so young and go through so many illnesses.

LuluDelulu · 22/04/2025 21:54

You’ve made the right decision not going and she’s accepted it so maybe just try to move on from it

Original poster
Gt1986 · 22/04/2025 21:56

Pihrd · 22/04/2025 21:45

Why did you book a holiday for the day after a wedding trip?

Have you missed other events with DH’s family because of the baby being unwell?

So to clarify- this isn't our holiday. SIL arranged it/invited people as a post wedding celebration. We did not have anything to do with the dates etc we got told these are the dates this is where we are going m, you're invited etc. At the time baby was 4 months old and we thought it would be fine- first time parents and he was young then so we were inexperienced to nursery and bugs etc. in hindsight- if I had been asked now to do that I would say absolutely not.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/04/2025 21:56

She sounds like she’s trying to express concern for your child. Nothing to take offence at. You’re being sensible not taking him, and she’s being understanding and sympathetic. I think you’re reading something into this that just isn’t there.

TwentyTwentyFive · 22/04/2025 21:58

He's obviously been very poorly but I think it's a bit rude to say you're not going to the wedding but you will go on the wedding trip that they've arranged.

She sounds like a very caring aunt who is worried about her nephew and it sounds like you're looking for a reason to be annoyed with her.

BombayBicycleclub · 22/04/2025 21:58

Bit pathetic not going to her wedding because your kid has been sick. But your call, are you happy to have no relationship with your in-laws? If so then go for it! Miss your sister in laws wedding

Original poster
Gt1986 · 22/04/2025 21:59

LuluDelulu · 22/04/2025 21:48

To be fair I think it sounds like a genuine question. Maybe a bit clueless and clumsy but it doesn’t mean she’s annoyed with you. You’re definitely making the right decision. Your poor DC. Irrelevant to your thread but have you interrogated the nursery about their policies on illness etc? Some are worse than others and this sounds particularly bad.

So when you say policies on illness what do you mean? I keep him out when he's unwell, he's been sent home twice. They have a no attendance if given Calpol in the last 24 hours rule also so I think they're quite strict on illnesses. It's the parents sending their sick kids in that is usually the issue I think.....

OP posts:
Pihrd · 22/04/2025 21:59

Gt1986 · 22/04/2025 21:56

So to clarify- this isn't our holiday. SIL arranged it/invited people as a post wedding celebration. We did not have anything to do with the dates etc we got told these are the dates this is where we are going m, you're invited etc. At the time baby was 4 months old and we thought it would be fine- first time parents and he was young then so we were inexperienced to nursery and bugs etc. in hindsight- if I had been asked now to do that I would say absolutely not.

Show quote history

Fair enough. In that case, I think she’s just trying to be friendly and showing concern.

harriethoyle · 22/04/2025 22:01

Sounds to me like genuine concern and she’s trying to sympathise. Don’t fight with shadows…

LuluDelulu · 22/04/2025 22:01

Gt1986 · 22/04/2025 21:59

So when you say policies on illness what do you mean? I keep him out when he's unwell, he's been sent home twice. They have a no attendance if given Calpol in the last 24 hours rule also so I think they're quite strict on illnesses. It's the parents sending their sick kids in that is usually the issue I think.....

Show quote history

That’s good. I just meant to check. There are some nurseries which are more lax and will give calpol themselves, let a poorly baby try the morning and how they get on etc.

Probably just a bad run of luck then causing his immune system to take a (temporary) battering. Hope he feels much better soon.

Original poster
Gt1986 · 22/04/2025 22:04

BombayBicycleclub · 22/04/2025 21:58

Bit pathetic not going to her wedding because your kid has been sick. But your call, are you happy to have no relationship with your in-laws? If so then go for it! Miss your sister in laws wedding

This is a fairly strong statement here. My relationship with my SIL and my in laws is good, I am just asking a question. Apologies if you think I'm being pathetic for putting my kid first over a wedding, but then each to their own I suppose!

OP posts:
Chick981 · 22/04/2025 22:07

Only you know how much of an issue this will cause with the in laws. Assuming this is your husband’s brother then that’s a pretty close family member, I really can’t imagine my in laws taking it well at all! Your baby is not currently ill, they can rest in the car and the pushchair. But if you genuinely don’t think your baby is well enough (and in which case I’d question them being well enough to go on a plane - full of circulating germs!) and your family won’t mind then go for it. I think your SIL was just being caring in her response, people have said the same to me when both of mine have gone through the run of nursery illnesses.