AIBU to keep my baby away from SIL Wedding?

[Gt1986]

So thanks in advance for reading!

My boy is 10 months old. Since starting nursery at 7 months he has been plagued with illness after illness after illness- we have had about 3 full weeks attendance since January, a million cold viruses, HFM, pneumonia requiring a hospital stay etc.

My SIL is getting married this week. They live in the north, we live in the south-about 4 hour drive each way.

The whole wedding festivities require a 2 night stay, so drive up north the day before, attend the wedding, stay over then drive home. Then there is a trip abroad the day after the drive home (4 hour flight, 5 days stay and then another 4 hour flight).

My boy has had another virus in the last 2 weeks. One of those where last week he literally slept for 4 days, had a fever for 4 days and when he did wake he just wanted milk, cried, shat then back to sleep.

He is on the road to recovery now but is still tiring easily, napping longer than usual and has a lingering cough, blocked nose etc. I have made the decision to not go to the wedding this week as in hindsight the whole event over a week and a halfs demands is way too much for a healthy baby, let alone one recovering from 3 months of constant illness and his most recent virus. Plus- exposure to loads of people and loads of germs.

I do want him to be as recovered as possible for the trip abroad, so although he is staying home I am not sending him to nursery this week.

I messaged SIL to explain my decision (my partner supports it and will go to the wedding still). I got a reply saying they were upset but understood but the next part made me a bit triggered like I'm making him sick or over egging his illness, "it's really worrying how ill he has been and have we gotten advice from the GP?' like he hasn't been to every service going in the last 3 months and like I'm not worried enough about it.

AIBU or selfish to stop him from: a 4 hour drive, a late wedding (starts mid pm and when he gets tired for bed he wants to go now), another 4 hour drive before coming back home to get ready for bed and then an early leave to catch a 4 hour flight? Or am I putting my kid first?

Oh I’ve just realised you mean your husband’s sister, sorry not sure why I thought you meant brother. But same reasoning!

I get that, but any accomodation, travel (petrol, flights etc) has been paid for by ourselves for both events. Its not like we are going on a free trip but missing a wedding, we've covered ourselves for it all. I hope that clarifies.

You can’t go on the wedding related holiday and skip the wedding - either your child is ill and you send apologies to everything or if you just go to one you go to the wedding not the trip.

I don’t think she was being mean. She said the exact same thing I was thinking when I read your post! It’s an excessive amount of illness and she’s probably just concerned. But if I was her I’d be a little bit peeved you didn’t come to the wedding, but happy to go on the holiday especially on a plane where you’re much more likely to catch something. If anything you’d probably be safer not attending the holiday and attending the wedding!

My DC used to pick up so many germs from nursery and was constantly ill. We missed lots of events and eventually I did get a few comments like ‘oh ANOTHER ear infection, have you had that looked in to?’ Or ‘wow that nursery sounds terrible, DC is ALWAYS ill.’ At the time the comments made me more stressed - probably due to lack of sleep/burn out from being a new mum - and I’d think they were criticising me. Or that I was using it as an excuse to cancel or something.

Anyway, a few years down the line and some good nights sleep later and I can safely say it was just in my head and they didn’t mean anything by it. So just ignore the comment and move on.

Exactly this. Feels like I'm the only person I know going through this at the moment as other mum friends are still on mat leave so not had the childcare initiation yet!

Yes we have missed events.

We had to leave a friend's wedding early as the baby got a bad night sleep the night before (had already driven 2 hours for that the day before),
Missed visits to and from both families due to illness,
We were meant to go to a gig on the weekend gone with my mum babysitting and I stayed home and my OH went as not fair to my boy and my mum to leave him with a minder while unwell.

That's a few examples.

And to clarify- this is a part of the wedding, aka the SIL invited people to go away after the wedding and said here's the dates etc. we booked it in August when we were in newborn phase. I'm a FTM so had no clue of the potential impact. Had I known that or was asked now I would say no off the bat.

Have you gotten advice?
yes to can be normal but there can also be other things. With DS it was an infection that hadn’t healed and needed strong antibiotics

Hey, so we have been to every service going over the last 3 months.

When he was in hospital end of March they IV'd him a really strong antibiotic for 3 days to get rid of his pneumonia and any other nasties (there was a query around a bug in his blood but likely a contaminant so they wanted to eliminate). We were then sent home with 5 days amoxicillin.

He's on co amoxyclav at the moment as he has a bit of a gammy toe, likely a hangnail or similar that's gotten a bit infected. That antibiotic is a treat skin and chest/ear/throat etc antibiotic, so he's being seen and being treated whenever something crops up.

Think he's just really unfortunate and picks up everything going due to his age and the winter!

some children are more robust than others,Ihave identical twins and there were 6 ounces between them at birth so not a massive difference. So many times the smaller twin was hospitalised for bugs as a small child her sister would also be ill and would shrug it off. It’s entirely possible that other children have a minor cold that just floors him.

She did grow out of the respiratory problems if it’s any consolation op.

Sorry but if your child is too poorly to go to the wedding, they're probably too unwell to go on the trip. I would have done it the other way round. Attend the wedding if child OK but cancel my place on the trip. I also think her comment comes from concern rather than criticism.

Its the kind of clueless thing I might have written pre DC to be fair
I think you are doing the right thing but its also understandable that they want you at their wedding, which makes a nice change from all the child free weddings I suppose.

Surely to protect his health the wedding is the safer option than the wedding holiday as he’ll be avoiding an airport, flight etc.

I think you need to do the whole thing or nothing at all. You can't miss the wedding then rock up for the holiday, regardless of who paid for it.

I'd go but slip away with the baby at times if he's struggling, let him sleep, either in the buggy or back at the hotel. Take it in turns with DH where possible, but obv more on you as it's his sister.

I don’t want to be “that” poster, but have you thought he might be anxious and unhappy at nursery and that’s why he’s getting constantly ill? Stress can wipe out your immune system

I wouldn’t have not gone to a close family member’s wedding just because my baby had the usual nursery illnesses for a few months. If he had cancer and was immunocompromised, yes. If he currently had a d&v bug, yes. But just run down from lots of viruses, no. I would have gone and just left early to put him to sleep. He would sleep in the car there and back. The change of scenery and lots of people to see would probably have done him good.

If it had been for Sunday lunch with family, maybe I’d say we’ll sit this one out. But a family wedding is a one time event. I wouldn’t miss it unless my child was seriously ill, which is probably why SIL is asking if it’s something serious.

If I add that this is her 3rd marriage does that make a difference? Just a query.

Hiya, thanks for your comment. As far as I can tell he loves it there. He's never upset to be left and always has a good day, he eats so well there and drinks milk like a champ (better than at home!) he does have crap naps at the moment but I think it's FOMO and the constant stop starting and reset when he starts again post illness.

I think you're just feeling sensitive because it's such a stressful situation, I wouldn't read her question as criticism but as concern because it is a concerning amount of illness for a little baby.
I don't blame you for not wanting to travel for the wedding, and I think your partner being there is the main thing. I'm not sure id want to go on the holiday though, will you easily be able to access medical care for your baby if needed?

Then just say yes it is and we are taking lots of medical advice - hopefully it is just a phase

and leave it there. A lot of this seems to be your response to it rather than them being mean

I’m on both sides here, you have my sympathies we went through months of illnesses and cancelling plans with our DC. Touch wood since 18 months old he hasn’t really been unwell. Got every rsv going, then ended up passing onto us etc

I can see why it might be a bit cheeky cancelling on the wedding but being able to attend a holiday abroad with 4 hour flight straight after. It’s like telling your manager you’re too unwell to work or your leg hurts to much to work but going on an all inclusive the next day.

At the end of the day baby comes first, but I’m wondering if you could have maybe compromised a bit?
4 hour drive, babies in car seat plus a break - not a huge deal as baby isn’t actually properly poorly right now, recovering from being unwell.
Go to the hotel, attend the wedding but then you and baby go back early and skip the party.

It has been a long time since mine were 10 months old, however, I remember the endless bugs, trips to the hospital, and the will this ever get better days. I read your posts as you are going to skip the actual wedding, 4h drive, adult-type event, drive back, but will then join the wedding party/family holiday the day after. This sounds like an excellent plan if your DC is well enough for the travel, time to relax and spend time with the extended family. I don't really see what a 10-month-old brings/adds to a wedding ceremony/evening, and add to that this is your SIL's 3rd wedding it isn't a once in a lifetime event.

I think your SIL's comment is showing concern, and I would just say thank you for your concern. Yes, we have spoken to the GP, and DC was treated with xyz whilst in hospital, and we are just hoping that the summer weather helps improve his overall wellbeing.

It's exactly this, this is my plan. The time spent with the family will be over 5 days rather than dribs and drabs and 3 hours at a wedding as he will want to leave by 6 as when he gets tired he gets very aggy and wants to go to bed- I just had to hot foot it home so he could have a nap as he went from 0-100 in the car!

Thank you for your comment, very insightful!

Shit happens with kids & it seems like she understands. Provided your husband and any other kids attend it's fine

Well, then I guess you can skip this one and go to the 4th marriage as your kid will be older. Yes, it does make a difference. But anyway, your kid comes first.