To drink every night?

[HedgehogOnTheBike]

My husband and I are currently separating. It's really fucking sad as we love each other, trauma bonded my therapist says, but his mental illness has fucked up the kids. He's really related me badly. I can't explain here. I can't type it all out.

Believe me although it's his actions...suicide attempts the main fucked the kids (early twenties now) up thing, I'm culpable too, as I kept giving him chances, looking after him. I really believed my marriage vows. But now I realize the untold negatives and pain

So it's over. He's moving out once he gets a flat.

I'm drinking a bottle of wine a night..eating crap.

I've got Endo and need a hysterectomy

I'm washed up out of date ugly as fuck. Exhausted
Twenty five years down the toilet. The Shame of my failed life

Anyway kids are moaning I'm drinking too much
Try doing this sober

My poor friend. His Dad drank himself to death and then a few years later his Mum. The guy is not even 30, yet has all of this to cope with. It is horrendous and having a huge impact on his self esteem.

I know you’ve been through so much, but I believe you can stop drinking with support. Please to find AA or another support group and keep posting on here. You can do it.

Dear one, I so recognise your mindset right now because it's exactly how I feel when I self-medicate despair with alcohol - the hopelessness and self-recrimination - only able to see the worst - this is the effect of those chemicals, on top of whatever you're already feeling.

Please give yourself a big hug right now, then start treating yourself as you would any invalid - with gentle encouragement, lots of sleep (or at least rest if sleep won't come) and healthy food. Get a walk every day, even a short one, out in the fresh air. Keep things very simple for now. Decide today to make it all about self-care going forward, and you will get through this next stage of life.

Your kids clearly love you and care about you, which is wonderful, but I know you can't 'do it for them' - you're at a time of life when many women go through a reckoning and decide to change how they live, so you are not alone.

Try to turn this situation into an opportunity - but slowly, step by step. Things will get better!

🤗

OP I have been through similar with an ex partner who used the threat of suicide as a lever of control. After I left him over a period of about two years he would routinely threaten to kill himself, send me videos of himself popping pills, he once called me to tell me he was about to hang himself and I had to call the police out in the middle of the night. I had a toddler at the time and was living on my own. I was terrified of what his suicide would do to our child.

In the end he didn’t kill himself: he was briefly hospitalized and then realised it was on him to sort himself out, not me. Hes now mainly stable and we have a fairly good relationship.

It’s hard but you need to toughen up and stop allowing him to use this to control you. Your instinct to protect and mother him is prolonging this.
I know it goes against all your instincts but if you keep letting him derail you like this you will never be free of it. He almost certainly won’t kill himself, he just enjoys being locked in this codependent spiral.

The alcohol is bad but you know this and you know you have to kick its arse. But first and foremost you need to decouple yourself from the responsibility of keeping him alive. It’s not your responsibility. If he really wants to kill himself he will, regardless of how much hand holding you provide but bottom line is he doesn’t want to, he enjoys the control it gives him over you and his ability to delay taking responsibility. It’s selfish.

I assume he is receiving support for his mental health? If he isn’t that it a priority. Then leave it in the hands of the professionals and slowly, compassionately start to extricate yourself from this. You need to stop worrying about him and focus on you.

Can your husband go and stay with family or friends whilst he finds a flat? You're obviously a caring person who wants to help him, but you're struggling yourself right now and need to put your own wellbeing first. Having him around all the time won't be helping, especially if he's depressed and threatening suicide.

Could you plan a night at the cinema with a friend or your DC? Something to get you out of the house and break the habit of opening a bottle with dinner. No judgement from me as I've definitely used alcohol as an emotional crutch many times before. Start with small steps, pick one night where you won't drink and get something simple and healthy to cook for dinner. Those pre prepared stir fry bags of veg plus chicken etc are my go to when I'm struggling with depression.

How are you feeling today OP?x

The thing about alcohol is that although it seems relaxing at the time, it's a depressant. It actually makes you feel worse overall, with a lower mood all the next day, and makes everything harder to cope with.

It's a failed marriage, not a failed life. It sounds like your kids are all doing OK, and they love you. That's success. It won't always feel this bad. This is the hardest part.

Cut the wine to no more than a third of the bottle a day, and make the effort to eat healthier: protein, fish oils, lots of veg, fibre. And exercise - get out in the air and light and walk briskly for at least 30 min a day. It DOES make you feel better. Sometimes it's hard to get started, but you're always glad you did after. It will make you fitter and stronger mentally and physically, and better able to think clearly and cope with things. Tell yourself whatever you need to make yourself do it: tell yourself you don't want to worry the kids, remind yourself of the more superficial stuff if it helps (if you're unhappy with your appearance, booze and crap food will worsen it). You'll sleep better, you'll think clearer, you'll gradually gain confidence in your ability to cope. And, slowly, things will get better.

The best advice I can give you is to join a gym, or swim.
Honestly. The hardest part is starting.
Set basic goals to start, like I will go twice a week, and walk every day. Download ebooks and walk to them. Life starts tomorrow.