To drink every night?

[HedgehogOnTheBike]

My husband and I are currently separating. It's really fucking sad as we love each other, trauma bonded my therapist says, but his mental illness has fucked up the kids. He's really related me badly. I can't explain here. I can't type it all out.

Believe me although it's his actions...suicide attempts the main fucked the kids (early twenties now) up thing, I'm culpable too, as I kept giving him chances, looking after him. I really believed my marriage vows. But now I realize the untold negatives and pain

So it's over. He's moving out once he gets a flat.

I'm drinking a bottle of wine a night..eating crap.

I've got Endo and need a hysterectomy

I'm washed up out of date ugly as fuck. Exhausted
Twenty five years down the toilet. The Shame of my failed life

Anyway kids are moaning I'm drinking too much
Try doing this sober

You’re trauma bonded to him. But he is also very manipulative and abusive because he knows these threats are keeping you tied to him.
Stop being so involved in helping him because he is using that as a way to play you.
Try distance yourself as much as possible and just focus on your own healing.
Also, those hundreds of good days do not cancel out the toxic environment that this relationship is.
As hard as it is, when those memories of good times creep in, remind yourself of the reasons why you’re here today. Because this relationship isn’t healthy and it’s caused enough damage to you all as a family.
Stay strong, your future version of you will feel so grateful to your present version of you for making these necessary changes. Keep going, you can do this x

This is not the right forum to ask about alcohol consumption and get a sensible answer.

You need to love your kids enough to live for them, which means no more alcohol. You’ve become dependent on it and once you’re at that point you can’t easily go back to just having the odd drink here and there, so pour the rest of tonights down the sink and do not buy any more.

That’s exactly what’s happening when women put men before their kids and themselves, in life you need to be a bit selfish. Hopefully not irreversible damage has been done and in time you can find yourself again.

She’s not asking if her consumption is sensible, she knows it’s not.

It sounds awful OP and I’m so sorry but the kids are right. You need to stop drinking.

Yes this makes sense. I need peace and quiet, distance. I need to just focus on myself. The kids are quite self sufficient and surprisingly resilient and busy in their own lives ...in a way hyper focus on being not involved and I don't blame them

They worry about me and I try to be positive etc.

The youngest is an over protective worrier hence reporting to others my 'drinking'

I'm just utterly exhausted. I know it's lazy coward way out to block out my over active worrying catastrophic mind with wine.

Thank you for kindness. Ive been holding this in too much and I am grateful

Try Jason Vale’s book ‘Kick the drink’ x

That sounds so hard. Alcohol will not be helping you. Try really hard to stop. It makes everything so much worse. It’s a depressant and will make you feel worse about yourself. You seem locked in a negative cycle of thought about your husband. I think you need to focus on the practical. Each day at a time. Put in place some things to make you feel better. Get out into nature. See friends. Go for a walk. Simple things.

And lastly and most importantly, you really need to put your kids above your husband. There seems to be a dramatic romantic storyline you’re concocting here. Step back from it. Cut it off.

Good luck.

I think buying wine just crept up on me to just block it all out and sleep.

Rather than codeine for the endo which scared me ...

I thought wine with dinner but then it escalated...

I do love my kids.

I just ...I'm just coming to terms with I loved the dream of him in a way, waiting, waiting 25 yrs ...and how Freud said a house built around the illness member...paraphrasing.

The end result, kids are going. I'm alone. I. An being self pitying but I am really afraid of being alone even though I have friends work pets good life. I'm actually unbelievably managed to do well at my job...but the masking my hard home life, holding it all together. I'm just very tired. Shame of being nearly 50 alone I know it's irrational

It’s not lazy or cowardly.
You are feeling desperate.
You just need different strategies.

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this, OP.

We’re very sorry to say we don’t allow threads which detail methods of self harm and suicide on Mumsnet, so we’re going to delete it now. Please contact the Samaritans, by emailing [email protected].

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.
💐

When has alcohol ever made a bad situation better?

@HedgehogOnTheBike I totally understand. You need time to grieve. Drinking blots it out. But it makes life harder and brings its own issues. It’s hard when you stop drinking as the hurt and feelings feel raw. Can you think of other ways you can deal with things? Maybe allow yourself a certain amount of time to be sad in the evening then do something to switch your brain off-TV/yoga/friend/walk? It gets easier (I’m 5 years alcohol free so I know).

You can do this. Life will be more peaceful without your ex. Less mind games and stress. Less self loathing without the alcohol. Keep thinking about your kids. They deserve the best you.

I’m really sorry, OP. Being with an addict isn’t for the faint hearted, but it seems like he uses his addiction and whatever trauma he may have as an excuse for everything, including mistreating his family.

Get him out of the family home. Give your children some peace, even if you choose to support him from a distance.

You never know, maybe the physical distance will finally help him seek the help he needs. But for now you need to help yourself.

Before this gets deleted - please come over to the alcohol support board @HedgehogOnTheBike

Thank you for caring for me

Get yourself over to the alcohol support board definitely! We’re a lovely bunch. And yes we care. Keep going!!! Posting on here was a huge step.

Be kind to yourself at this time. You’re hurting and no one always manages to process hurt in the most healthy way. Forgive yourself for anything you may feel guilty for, you done your best at the time.
Take it one day at a time, you know what you need to do now to get through this in a healthy way for yourself. You’re already making changes, keep going with that. Be proud of yourself too, this sure as hell isn’t easy! But you’re on that journey now and things will become a lot easier once you focus on self love, self care, healing and utilising resources that will help you such as therapy… You’ve got this x

Pull your head out the toilet.
your life is not over. You’re not unattractive, nobody is saying or believing that. You are.
I know it’s sad and your husband is getting a flat. It’s an awful thing you are going through but remember you wouldn’t be going through it all if your marriage was in a healthy state. This is for the best. For you and your kids.
a trauma bond is so hard to break. All them chemicals in your brain, keeping you addicted. Keep working with your therapist and seek help via any other means.
lots of good trauma bond advice on TikTok, without having to sign up for things.
the kids need you. You need you. Do not give up on yourself. This is a new chapter in your life and although you think it looks bleak, it’s not.
seek help for your trauma bond
grieve your marriage
it wasn’t a waste of time, it wasn’t.
focus on you again.

come on. You’re gonna be alright.

I drank every night for a couple of months when I was getting divorced - not a whole bottle but at least two glasses. Then when I was through the worst of it I stopped drinking during the week. It's not ideal but sometimes when you're going through hell you use what you need to use to get through the immediate.

Don't be too down on yourself. You're going through a once in a lifetime situation and sound really depressed.

A bottle of wine a night isn't ideal but as a short term thing isn't the worst.

Get the little bottles. 3 of those is 3/4 of a bottle. And 2 is half a bottle.

50 isn't old and you will get through this

Oh OP i’m so sorry.

Quit drinking, eat healthily, get some form of exercise (even if just a daily walk for now) and try and sort your sleep - this will only ever help you cope with what life throws at you so is a great place to start. Some guided meditation apps on Spotify / YouTube may help.

as for everything else take it step by step, day by day and try not to think too far ahead into the future as it will likely overwhelm you and who knows what will happen.

i hope you’ve got people around to support xxx

This sounds like exactly what happened to my mum. My dad left when we were young adults and she used alcohol to cope. Unfortunately she didn’t stop until it was too late (20 years later) and she is in her 70s and she’s like a 90 year old as her brain is fucked. It’s no fun. You’ll honest cope better without the booze, it’ll make you feel so much worse in the long run.

The weather is coming nicer now, instead of sitting inside drinking all night go out for a long walk.
The fresh air will tire you out, you will definitely sleep better. When you get back run a bath (assuming you have one) and have a soak before bed, take a cup of caffeine free tea up with you.
You need to break the habit, drinking every night is a slippery slope (I have been on holiday for the last week and drank daily-I don't feel great right now but could happily have another drink tonight, I won't though).
You need to stop whilst you can.