How to explain to DH how tired I am in early pregnancy

[Jeanshort]

Currently 8 weeks pregnant with DC2, have DC1 who has just turned 1. I am so exhausted, I work full time and DC1 is so full on! In the evenings I just want to sleep but have to still do cleaning, cooking etc. DC1 gets up between 5.30 and 6 and I always seem to be the one to go to them even though if I go back upstairs a bit later to get a nappy or clothes or whatever DH is literally laying in bed on his phone.

How do I communicate to DH how tired I am? I don’t think I can go on like this. Any time I say how exhausted I am, he just says ‘yeah me too’ and carries on like normal. Has anyone successfully communicated to their partners how exhausting early pregnancy is?

Why is it you doing the cooking and the cleaning?

Because like I said DH doesn’t seem to understand how tired I am. He doesn’t believe cleaning needs to be done and tells me to just leave it but obviously I don’t want DC to grow up in a dirty house.

Pregnancy is exhausting!
what’s he contributing? Just from your post it sounds like a big discrepancy in the share of household jobs and childcare.

I think most people who aren’t with selfish arseholes don’t actually need to communicate that. It’s common sense. Super basic.

Even if you weren’t pregnant, you shouldn’t be doing all cooking, cleaning and wake ups. Why are you?

'Husband, I'm pregnant, working full time and looking after our child. I'm not coping and won't be doing any cooking or cleaning for a couple of weeks, possibly longer but we'll see how it goes. I'm profoundly exhausted and will be going to bed after work, so you need to do it'.

Omg another lazy tosser. Show him this thread.

Why do you need to clean everyday? Have some easy meals.m that can be thrown in the oven or air fryer.

He doesn’t believe cleaning needs to be done

What does this mean, exactly? How has he articulated it? And why have you accepted it?

Does he also think DC don’t need to eat? So, if you didn’t do all the cooking, he’d expect them (and himself) to subsist on air?

Don't give up your job, OP. Take him at his word, leave as much mess as you can and just focus on yourself and your DC. Think about what you want your future to look like.

Edited to add: women at your stage are at their most vulnerable and some men know it and don't treat them very well.

Rather than just telling him how exhausted you are you need to tell him that you need more help and you need him to do a little more.

Try and explain early pregnancy tiredness to him, as its like the tiredness you feel when you have the flu and all you want to do is sleep. This may well pass by the time you get into your 2nd trimester but for now you really could do with his help.

I think many people who have not experienced early pregnancy tiredness don't understand it. There is no bump yet so you shouldn't be feeling too much different right? Wrong! Early pregnancy tiredness, for those of us who have experienced it is brutal. I was exhausted so I really sympathise with you.

I hope you get the support you need in these early weeks and that it soon passes xx

I don’t full on clean every day but we can’t realistically leave bathrooms, kitchen etc indefinitely? Plus with a baby there always seems to be something to be cleaned. Lots of laundry, highchair, bottles etc

What an arsehole - early pregnancy tiredness is like nothing else. I felt like I was permanently fighting off a coma.

You need to have a reasonable conversation with him to try to make him understand. But if he’s a total arsehole about it I’d be direct - tomorrow morning tell him it’s his turn to get up, wrap the duvet around yourself and just don’t move.

'Oi, you lazy arse, I'm pregnant and exhausted. Any decent husband would take care of their pregnant wife and let them rest, but you expect me to cook and clean and take care of our child, while you sit on your backside on your phone. If things don't change ASAP, you'll be a single parent and taking care of the children all by yourself half the time'

Like that?

Oh god

good Luck

The quote below is taken from a previous Mumsnet post (sorry, I’m not able to credit the original poster). It was so good I had to save it on my phone.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

I didn’t have to because my husband isn’t a knob. It must be obvious that being in early pregnancy and working full time with a one year old baby is exhausting. Hats off to you for that age gap. I worked 70% with nearly 3 years between babies and felt like death in early pregnancy.

What exactly is DH role in the house. What does he currently do without being prompted?

OP I'm not pregnant. Nor do we have young children. And my DH would never be in bed reading on his phone whilst I'm cleaning / cooking / doing chores. It shows a massive lack of respect or care for you.

I also find it absolutely tragic that some of the advice on here is that OP needs to speak to her husband and explain what he needs to do. Don't get me wrong, I understand why people are saying it but the fact that a grown adult who - I'm assuming - can hold down a full time job and is capable of procreating needs to be sat down and told his chores is an absolute farce.

I can't for a single second imagine having to tell my DH that things need to be done round the house. But as @TwoLeggedGrooveMachine says, thankfully I didn't marry a knob. But I also know from MN that there seem to be plenty of these men around. Why women entertain them absolutely baffles me though!

Problem is it is all to his advantage at the moment and he has no incentive to change. You need to find an incentive which will depend on your circumstances. For example - do you have family nearby you could move in with for a period? Tell everyone you can’t cope doing everything ALONE and so you are moving in for help caring for baby and housework.
If you have the money, check into a hotel 2 or so times per week for a period leaving baby with him - explain it is the only way you are able to sleep as he does not help.
Is there anything you could stop doing that would cause him a massive inconvenience?
basicslly, remove the status quo from the table so HE wants to discuss the topic

edited to say I used the wrong term, I should not have said he does not ‘help’, I should have said because he is not doing his fair share - it is as much his job as yours

I thought early pregnancy was exhausting, but my thyroid had also crashed, please get a blood test.

Also drop standards on cleaning and cooking, but tell DH to do more of it. It's no good saying you have to get up, tell him he's on 5 weekday and 1 weekend morning, while you give him a break the other weekend morning - more for him because you're pregnant. Likewise cleaning and cooking, new rota.

Sorry but I voted YABU.

And that's purely for having a second child with a lazy, inconsiderate bastard.

Were you expecting him to suddenly change into a caring, loving, considerate man after the pregnancy test?

The pregnancy tiredness is just exacerbating what sounds like a pre-existing issue. Why do you need to be exhausted in order for him to pull his weight? It’s your job by default unless you are literally collapsing from tiredness (and even then he doesn’t care)? Fuck that.

Sorry I don’t have any advice though - if he didn’t care about you before, he’s not going to care now.

I’m in pretty much exactly the same boat, my daughter just turned 1 & I’m 10 weeks pregnant with our second child. I wouldn’t say I’ve particularly had to convince my husband that I’m tired to be honest! I’m working, looking after a 1 year old (who is a sleep hater, always has been) and I’m also growing a baby, he knows I’m tired!

He (and I) acknowledges how different this pregnancy is. With my first child I will be honest and say I really didn’t need any extra help from my husband in my first trimester because I would go to work, come home and have a 2 hour nap most days, wake up, have dinner and then pretty much go to sleep for the night and sleep 10 hours uninterrupted, I could rest whenever I needed to at the weekend etc. I was able to manage my tiredness myself the first time round because I only had myself to look after. This time round there’s no naps after work because I have a 1 year old to look after, there’s no 10 hour uninterrupted night time sleep, I’m not able to just rest because I have a young child and I wouldn’t change it for the world, genuinely I wouldn’t, but my husband has had to give me some more support this time than he did last time. He’s done that without me asking, he doesn’t need to be asked, he doesn’t need to be convinced, he knows me well enough to know what I need really before I know myself sometimes!

Use your words