To wonder why my sister doesn’t seem interested in spending time together?

[GraceLou]

I’m trying to work out if I’m just being oversensitive here but lately, I find myself wondering why my sister just never wants to hang out with me 😂I’m 33 and she’s 30. She has two DS (3 and 1) and I have a DD (6mo). We’re close, text constantly and haven’t had any notable dramas or rocky patches in our relationship… but, over the past few years, I feel like she’s only interested in seeing me by chance - for example, when we’re both at our parents or there is a wider family activity. She never reaches out to me to make plans or ask to do something, it’s always me and 9 times out 10, she says no as she’s seeing friends or has plans. I don’t begrudge her having friends and plans, of course! I just wonder why she never makes any with me, I’d LOVE it if she asked me to go for a coffee or a lunch. I’m currently on mat leave and she doesn’t work Fridays. She always has plans with friends on Fridays, but has never asked me to do something or go for a coffee or whatever. We went to the cinema to see Bridget Jones a few weeks ago and I was so happy she said yes, I was beside myself with excitement and kept saying to my fiancé how much I couldn’t wait and that’s when I sort of noticed I’m always so happy to see her and she’s maybe just not that fussed. AIBU to wonder why this is? I do know she likes me, it isn’t a case of her hating me deep down or anything too deep haha! Getting to the point where I am going to stop asking because it’s always just a no - it’s like I see her as my best friend and she see’s me as a cumbersome old relative/duty😂does anyone else have similar with their sibling?! Essay, sorry…!

I’m fond of both my sisters, but would never arrange to see them other than encountering them at my parents’ or at family occasions. I mean, we’re not friends. Do you not have other people in your life?

It won’t be what you want to hear but we have a situation almost identical in our family.

The other sister just really does not enjoy her sister’s company (in fairness I think she just openly dislikes her, to everyone but to her sister’s face). She does, however, do the ‘dutiful sister’ stuff every so often and I know her sister is truly oblivious to the way her sister feels. It always feels quite two faced to me.

Yes, my post mentions my fiancé, child and family. I’m talking specifically about my relationship with my sister hence why it’s focused on her - but I do have friends, I’m just wondering whether it’s me being unreasonable to view my sister as a friend if that makes sense

Sorry @Pentimenti this was meant to be a reply to you 😂

Your sister views you as a relation, someone she's connected to through family duty.
You view her as a best friend, through choice.
Neither of you are specifically wrong, just you have different views.
You can't make her feel the same way as you do about your relationship.

It’s not unreasonable to think of her as a friend but she’s not obligated to feel the same way about you in return.

I do totally get this, I suppose I just wonder why that would change with what feels like no real reason? Maybe I should have mentioned in my already too long post that we did used to spend loads of time together, mutually organised/suggested. Maybe it’s because her circle of close friends has grown so much since she became a mum whereas mine has shrunk, perhaps I’m just putting too much on her when like you say, I am her sister, not a friend!

Yes, you mention your baby, fiancé and family. But you don’t mention friends at all in your OP, which is why I wondered if you struggled with friendships, hence the fixation on your sister.

Obviously you can feel what you like about her, but the issue seems to be that she doesn’t feel the same way, as is, equally, her right.

I’d try to expand my friendship circles and accept that she doesn’t want to have a ‘friend’ style relationship with you, and that the status quo is how she prefers things.

Oh, I didn’t intend for it to come across as a fixation - I definitely don’t have a fixation with her. I don’t act abnormally or pester her or fixate solely on spending time with her, to be clear 😂I do have friends - but deffo had the usual dropping off of mates that happens a bit when you have a baby, especially when you’re the first one in the friendship group! My best friend recently had a baby and we are very close/talk constantly we just don’t live close. As I type this I realise maybe I am a bit lonely so notice my sisters absence a bit more than I would have done post baby. Thank you for your advice and for replying I appreciate it x

@Pentimenti why do I keep replying to your comments incorrectly I am so sorry 😂

Hmm different perspective here...

If you were close before it might just be she is knackered and her bandwidth is lower and you arent top of the list.

I have a 21m gap and was just exhausted until youngest was about 14m.
I had no space for anything that didn't energise me.

And I "have it good" in that we have a cleaner and my dh works from home so does a lot of pick ups and drop offs, takes in then online shop etc.
If i was doing all that myself I'd be very stretched

I don’t think it’s that abnormal. I can’t really think of many If any siblings who are age to meet up regularly apart from bigger events. I don’t meet up with mine apart from things like birthdays and dh is the same with his sibling.

There’s one who goes with their sibling and all the child pumpkin picking and trips to say the sea life centre but they don’t meet up to just the siblings to go for a coffee or shopping.

Oh, I’m not suggesting you’re camped out outside her house or anything! It’s just that you sounded almost pathetically happy she agreed to go and see a film with you — that sounded like more than ordinary pleasure at seeing a friend.

It sounds like you really appreciate your sister and she takes you for granted a bit. I wouldn’t necessarily stop reaching out because it sounds like you really like getting together with her. But I would try to accept that she’s not great at initiating arrangements. Some people just aren’t. Although it could be that she’s super busy atm with primary school aged kids but that might shift over time.

If you've always (previously) been close, you could talk to her about it. But I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, and I think she's probably just busy. You mention that her social circle has expanded since having children and yours has shrunk - I expect that's because you're on maternity leave and she's got kids who are probably in childcare, the older one will have friends of his own, and it's hard to find time to meet up with her own friends. DP and I still see friends, and have some new ones with DC of similar ages, but we schedule stuff in weeks in advance or it won't happen. If my sister wanted to hang out this Friday, I'd already be busy - we'd have to say 'let's spend some time together, what weekends have you got free?'

I do hear a lot from her when she needs a babysitter that’s for sure 👀😂

Really?! Maybe it’s just me - all my friends are really close to their siblings and deffo hang out as friends. Same with my fiancé and his sibling and their mates too!

You say the last few years, and her oldest child is 3. Id imagined it’s that she now has an established routine of friends she sees on set days, groups she goes to, etc. When somebody asks me when I’m free, it’s genuinely a good 5-6 weeks away, and I find it exhausting because sometimes I’d just love a day at home. But every 3 weeks, I meet my children’s cousins on a Friday evening after school for soft play. Saturday day times, I meet my friend who has two DC a similar age whose husband also works weekends (as does mine) so we’re often solo parenting on the weekends. Saturday evenings I go to my best friend’s house with the kids. Sundays are our “free” day, but often have birthday parties for school friends, or if we have a party on a Saturday, our usual Saturday plan goes to Sundays etc.

I think as your child gets older and is interested in playing and you can have play dates, you’ll find you spend more time with her. There’s two years between my DD and my niece, and now they’re 2.5 and 4.5, they can play together nicely and so I see my brother more often. It was difficult when my DD was younger and was in the baby area of play centres, and he was keeping an eye on his DD in the larger section.

I may be completely off the mark here, but I think sometimes (certainly in my friendship group), when you’re a few years in with kids, you find yourself with an already well-established routine, and it means letting one person down to accommodate another.

Hi op I wouldnt be close to siblings. Just reading your post maybe she just does her own thing? I did meet my sister months back then she got back to workplace. Maybe meet mum friends but you probably do that.

Yes, I would love to see / speak to my sister more, but she doesn’t want to. We love each other, but the dynamic between us is like a teenager who wants to keep a level of distance from their parents. I do not think I am at all overbearing. But she still just seems to have an inbuilt need to feel separate from me. I always instigate contact, and she’ll happily come to my house and we’ll have a lovely time, but she’ll never invite me over to hers. I too am the older one. Maybe it’s a little sister thing.

Different circles but explains why it’s hurting you if all the people you know are the close sibling types.

If mine rang me to go for dinner I’d want to know who died or what they where dying of as it would be so out of the blue and they would feel the same if I invited them one on one for a meal out. Big bbq again normal.

Don’t think I’ve seen my sibling actually since December and we live 30/40 minutes away. Seen dh’s this month as there was a family get together.

It may be just a phase. She’s busy at the moment, you’re less busy, she’s not thinking about you but she has risen in importance for you.

Don’t dwell on it. Let it go, maybe look to explore other avenues of people you could become friends with. Over time the balance may change.

If you are the older sibling then the dynamic is probably that you have the “power” in the relationship, it’s natural but she probably doesn’t feel as “equal” if it was a friend. There maybe underlying resentment too. She maybe fearful of rocking the boat and speaking her mind.

If it were me I would just enjoy the relationship for what it is, and look for other reciprocal friendships that value me more.

This is so helpful, thank you! She is in a very established routine to be fair and a lot of what you said here rings really true, especially about her having to let other people/long standing habitual plans down to make space for me… I deff need to probably not take it personally and accept that this is just where we are at the moment and enjoy the time we do spend together from the replies 😊

I agree it could be a phase. My relationship with my own sister has ebbed and flowed over the years. We've been really close and done loads together at certain times in our life and then drifted and not been in contact all thats regularly for others. I think with siblings you know they're always there so you don't make the effort you would with a friend. It might just be a time in her life when she has other people and other things going on. In a few years you could both be in a different phase. But obviously develop your own network in the meantime.