To think parents should never argue in front of their kids?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

I’ve always believed that children shouldn’t have to witness their parents’ disagreements. Even if it’s just a minor argument, it can create stress, insecurity and tension for them. I get that some people think it’s healthy for kids to see disagreements handled maturely, but in reality, most arguments aren’t calm, rational discussions - they’re emotional, heated and sometimes even petty.

Wouldn’t it be better for parents to resolve things privately rather than risk making their kids feel caught in the middle? Or is it unrealistic to expect parents to always keep disagreements behind closed doors?

Sometimes it’s healthy for children to see normal healthy arguments with the process of resolving the issue. It role models that arguments will happen - we’re all human, and that the problem can be fixed.

What’s not healthy is constant arguing or bickering, and equally to hold onto simmering anger over something but hide it from the children - they’ll pick up that something’s wrong but see the adult bottling it up.

It's healthy for children to witness disagreements and conflict resolution (within reason). It's normal in life to not always agree with someone and it's ok for children to see this and not be shielded from reality.

It’s healthy to show disagreements - in a mature/respectful way. Children can see these being resolved and a healthy loving relationship contiunuing. Else - how will they know that a small argument with their own partner isn’t the end of the world? How will they learn to argue?

My parents never argued in front of me and my brother, even when it was clear there was tension or they weren’t getting along. The way they modelled repressing emotions and the subsequent impact it had on me and how I form relationships and react to things is something I’m still working through in therapy now, age 40.

No child needs to witness screaming matches, but pretending you never disagree isn’t healthy either.

Respectful disagreement is a good thing to model to children, otherwise how are they going to learn to do it?

If there’s conflict where people exhibit behaviour under stress, raising voices or rudeness then it’s crucial that children see them taking responsibility for their behaviour and apologising to each other. Again, this is behaviour we want to model.

Anyone can be a twat under stress, it’s really important to apologise for it.

DH and I 'argue' in front of our kids but there's never any anger between us (just we've gotten hangry and can't find a parking space type thing).

They know we have a good relationship with great communication so they aren't bothered by any small annoyances.

I disagree. A respectful argument that is resolved and doesn’t have any lingering bitterness is fine. Children need to learn that you can argue, apologise, and move on.
Yelling and screaming insults and then the silent treatment and seething resentment is obviously different.

No. Children need to see that adults disagree sometimes, which is fine if they show healthy ways of dealing with it: listening to each other, and arguing until they hammer out a compromise. Suppose that parents never once disagreed in front of their children: it might be a massive shock to them later when they enter the world of adults, and have never had any experience at all of disagreement. Children need to experience these things in a relatively “safe” way. Completely shielding them does them no favours at all.

I think it's very important to see disagreements and arguments between parents.
Children need to see and experience them as a normal part of relationships. And see the disagreements resolved.
I know a family where the parents seemed go have a perfect relationship. Their children have been unable to sustain a relationship because they are looking for perfection and they can't cope with conflict.

I do agree that kids can learn a lot from seeing conflict handled maturely - if the disagreement is calm and respectful. My worry is that most real-life arguments between partners aren’t like that in the moment. They’re emotional, tense and often unresolved for a while - which can leave kids feeling anxious or even responsible. I think there’s a difference between healthy discussion and heated arguments, and the latter is what I think should happen out of earshot.

DH and I rarely have the type of heated, angry, emotional argument you describe. If we start to go down that road then we stop and cool off for a few minutes and then usually both apologise. I’d prefer my son to see us disagree respectfully and apologising if we are in the wrong along with our mechanisms for disagreeing that stop us getting into anything heated.

That’s a great point… I do agree that modelling accountability and repair is so important. I guess where I struggle is that in the moment, many parents don’t get to that ‘apologising and reflecting’ stage right away, and kids are left stewing in the stress of the disagreement. I think if parents can genuinely follow up and show what resolution looks like, that’s valuable. But when the conflict just simmers or escalates, that’s where I think it does more harm than good.

It's not always that easy to always NOT argue when the kids can hear ...

And even if you don't - kids aren't stupid, they will know if things aren't right between their parents.

I never saw my parents argue (despite eventually getting divorced!), both quite avoidant.

I’d say it made me pretty terrible at conflict resolution - addressing problems and it took me about 15 years to work out that having an argument wasn’t a catastrophe.

Df and my stepmum can bicker in a loving way and sometimes they get frustrated with each other, but there's usually a pattern to it.

I think where it involves major important issues like discussion of finances and big decisions that needs to be resolved away from DC.

Also there's a risk that your DC won't agree with one parents view or response - usually no one is right or wrong but it's quite frustrating as a child (or even adult child). An example is arguing about other relatives. Everyone has an opinion.

In terms of shouting rows- those are really traumatising. My Dm and Df had lots of those. Arguably it was because there was passion but no I just think its a terrible way of communicating and really puts the fear into kids seeing parents blow up.

Yes quite.
How old are your children OP?
My eldest doesn’t go to bed until around 10pm, my youngest goes to bed at 8.30.
That gives us a very small window to have a row?! 🤣

Hasn't anyone seen Friends? The one where Monica and Chandler have an argument and he thinks that therefore their relationship is over? That people, that!

I see what you mean. In my family we often banter and have disagreements with eachother, but we know where the boundaries are,

I never discuss anything that could get heated or be a sensitive topic whilst the kids are around, we usually plan those kinds of conversations for when the kids are asleep. We’ve had the very odd disagreement infront of the kids, but never anything that escalates - small things “I don’t like the shoes there” or “why don’t you recycle that” that might be frustrating for the other. - and might lead to a longer discussion about “why do you never put the shoes away properly” or “I can’t believe you still don’t take recycling seriously” - but if it escalates and there is an underlying tone, one of us is pretty good at bringing it up before bed and saying “hmm is there anything you want to talk about”.

It takes so much maturity to do this though! My ex who I had my first with was awful and we would argue in from my of our daughter but he usually ignored me if I said “let’s talk about this later” or we unknowingly wound eachother up and clashed to the point where things escalated before we could catch them.

So whilst I completely agree with you, it really takes a level of maturity and understanding of conflict resolution and discipline from both parties to ensure that the children do not witness anything nasty.

Fair enough - I get that it’s not always possible to have perfectly timed, whisper-level disagreements after bedtime! I guess my point is more about tone than timing - kids can absolutely sense tension but hearing full-blown arguments (especially if they’re heated or unresolved) can be unsettling. It’s not about being perfect, just aiming to protect them from the worst of it when possible.

💯 agree …

Haha yes, I remember that episode! And it does make a good point. I think it’s about balance - letting kids see that conflict exists but not letting them carry the emotional weight of it. It’s a fine line between ‘this is normal’ and ‘this feels unsafe,’ and I think that line’s easy to cross without meaning to.

I agree with your general point.

My parents used to have the most terrible shouting matches when we were in bed. They assumed we were asleep but it was impossible not to hear every word. It cast a shadow over my childhood as I would walk on eggshells and worry they would get divorced (might have been better if they did)

We don’t have those sorts of arguments fortunately but the kids do hear low level bickering from time to time. I think that’s probably more healthy than holding everything in until things reach boiling point.
As I said in my previous post, it is harder with older kids as you have less time alone and they completely understand what’s going on.

Kids need to know that living with people is hard. That it takes commitment and compromise. That it’s not weak to admit to being wrong. That we can show weaker selves and be forgiven (if not abusive). Love is a daily choice.

We rarely (used to!) argue but when we did we were awful about it so I agree. Fine if you can talk things out like ‘adults’, not at all fine if you’re exhausted and snappy and horrible to each other. Our children would not have learned anything that would help them from us!! I think they learn it from how we deal with them mostly though

You sound like you’re reading from a book rather than experiencing real life.