To think parents should never argue in front of their kids?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

I’ve always believed that children shouldn’t have to witness their parents’ disagreements. Even if it’s just a minor argument, it can create stress, insecurity and tension for them. I get that some people think it’s healthy for kids to see disagreements handled maturely, but in reality, most arguments aren’t calm, rational discussions - they’re emotional, heated and sometimes even petty.

Wouldn’t it be better for parents to resolve things privately rather than risk making their kids feel caught in the middle? Or is it unrealistic to expect parents to always keep disagreements behind closed doors?

This is so true.

I have two friends who grew up in the sort of home where the parents would never “resort “ to arguing. There was a lot of bottled tensions and, to be honest, passive aggressive behaviour. But never anything you could pin down.

Neither of these friends have been able to pursue successful adult relationships. They are both single as, every time they have ( or feel like having) an argument, they decide the relationship is defunct and run away.

One of them in particular is quite passive aggressive in all his dealings.

OP has said that in her experience arguments aren’t always well-handled but - aside obviously from physical violence or abuse- it’s actually not the sedate ones that are all that helpful. Children need to understand what adult emotion looks like, and to learn to navigate it. You don’t want the first time they experience it to make them wonder if something is wrong with them.

I’d put it on a par with mothers who never really discuss menstruation with their daughters but just deliver them a package of tampons with an instruction booklet. Apparently in some generations it wasn’t uncommon for girls to think they were hurt when they saw the blood, Life is messy. It’s best they learn what they are dealing with. It’s also , I think, important in helping them know when a relationship really is abusive or goes too far. If they know their parents are bottlers, how will they ever know where normal limits of what to put up with lie?

Obviously, it’s best for all if there aren’t many arguments; but from time to time it’s normal.

It teaches them how to apologise, resolve conflict & not to take any shit. My parents never apologised but we frequently do in our house. It’s liberating & helps us all be ok with being human. We’d never scream at each other though so I agree with you on that one. That’s not good for kids at all.

Why do you ask op? Are you arguing infront of your kids/had your parents do this to you? Or is this a journalist?

My parents never argued in front of me or my brother.

i’ll be honest, it wasn’t great. We knew there were tensions and I had to work out for myself how to deal with things.

It’s difficult and I know what you’re trying to say but we can’t just shield our children from normal levels of discomfort or fear. Real life is uncomfortable sometimes

Totally agree with @AquaPeer

a perfectly safe, sanitised, conflict avoidant environment doesn’t prepare children / young adults for real life. I know a few people from very gentle, peaceable homes with conflict avoidant parents and they’re all struggle so much.

Obviously no one wants to row in front of their kids.
clearly within that there are levels of okay, not okay through to abusive and adverse childhood experiences.

Simmering unexpressed resentment or anger isn’t necessarily better. Expecting yourself to be perfect and calm the time isn’t ideal imo either.

My husband was brought up thinking arguments didn’t happen. His parents never had a disagreement. I don’t think that’s healthy.

My parents were the complete opposite. Also not good.

Our children have seen us disagree. The most important thing is they see we resolve it and discuss it. It’s not normal to never have a cross word. It’s healthy to show that we move on, apologise and there’s no toxic sulking or shouting.

One thing I would say is I do feel arguing is more scary for very young children.

Respectful disagreement and resolution in the presence of your children is a hell of a lot healthier than trying to pretend all is well and thinking they can’t actually hear you screaming at each other, and worse, behind closed doors.

Children aren’t deaf or stupid.

What are the negative effects of parents arguing in front of children?
Emotional Distress: Children may feel anxious, scared, or confused when they witness arguments. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and instability in their home environment.
Behavioral Issues: Exposure to conflict can result in behavioral problems, such as aggression, withdrawal, or acting out.

If you do argue in front of children.. please make up in front of them too.

Screaming, shouting, storming off, and obviously any form of violence and abuse is unacceptable in front of children.

However, minor and general disagreements every so often , especially where a resolution is found at the time or shortly after, can be healthy for children to see, so long as it doesn’t involve the other stuff above. Children need to learn how to manage conflict and this is one way they learn.

A normal relationship between anyone, let alone a cohabiting couple with children, will always involve disagreement, conflict and resolution. It doesn’t help to hide that.

Minor disagreements now and then, not a major issue. I grew up with parents who argued badly, it really did impact my childhood. My DC didn’t have to endure that, as I left as soon as our relationship got rocky, and they grew up in a harmonious, chilled household. Their dad and I have an excellent co-parenting relationship, I never want them to feel like I did.

My parents (married for more than 40 years) once pointed to a park bench, and said that once, before I was born, they sat on that bench and had a huge row, which they thought was the end of their relationship. The rest is history.

Some people are using “arguing” to mean disagreement, and having frequent violent rows. They are very different things.