To feel my negative husband is ruining our marriage?

[Strawbsss]

I’m really struggling to figure out how to deal with our marriage problems. My husband, who’s been my partner for ten years, the dad of our three kids, and always my best friend, has been super unhappy for the last 18 months.

To everyone else, he seems cheerful, friendly, and always ready to lend a hand. But at home, he’s just a bundle of negativity and complaints. He’s always saying things like “I hate this” and “I hate that” about everything from our family to products, events and even celebrities.

We’ve had tons of arguments about this. He admits he’s got a negative outlook but blames our kids for his outbursts and swearing. Sure, our kids are kids and they fight and complain, but that’s just what kids do. He has a hard time dealing with their noise and occasional antics because he’s neurodiverse himself.

A few months back, we had a huge row. I told him I couldn’t handle the constant negativity and feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I mentioned I felt like my only option was to leave the marriage. He promised to try and change, but after a few weeks, he went back to being miserable and complaining.

I feel bad for our kids because they get tense when he’s around. They’re worried they’ll say something that’ll set him off. He’s never been physical to anyone, and I don’t think he ever would. But his constant frown and negative attitude are just as upsetting to me.

In the past, he tried antidepressants but stopped because of the side effects. He’s also tried herbal remedies and making time for himself, but he just ends up complaining about how expensive things are and how strangers behave etc.

I dread our weekends because as soon as he wakes up, he starts moaning. There seems to be no joy in his life anymore, and it’s really affecting me.

My kids and I love him, but I feel like I’m slowly drifting away from him. I don’t want to have sex, cuddle, or spend time with him anymore. I just escape to bed early to lie there in silence.

I’m at a loss for what to do or think. Am I falling out of love? Is our marriage doomed?

Is there anything people have tried and tested to improve their moods that I could maybe suggest?

You set a boundary; your DH needed to change or the marriage was over.

His change lasted for a few weeks and now he’s back to his usual grumpy self, so surely it’s time to leave.

You told him very clearly what he had to do to stay married to you and he’s not prepared to do it.

Work out your finances, see a solicitor and divorce him. Don’t make your DC grow up in a household where you have to tread on eggshells all the time, they will blame you for not leaving as much as they’ll blame him for his bad attitude.

Thank you.

I do love him but it’s so hard to deal with every day.

He’s a very hands on Dad, great round the house etc but I deal with every financial aspect, I organise things for him because he admits he can’t cope and then I get moaned at because I’m ’babying him’.

I just can’t win.

Thank you for your advice x

Whether his issues are untreated depression or not liking having 3 kids, the outcome is the same.

"feel bad for our kids because they get tense when he’s around. They’re worried they’ll say something that’ll set him off. "

Is that the kind of household you want your kids to grow up in? Is your relationship the kind that you are happy to model for them and hope they have for themselves some day?

If not, time to look at your options. He should get checked mentally and physically. If it's depression and he refuses to treat it, untreated mental health issues are not going to go away. If it's just he doesn't like his life with children, he can get out instead of draining them and pay child support. Or, you can stay together and be more and more shut down.

Was there something specific that happened 18 months ago?

I feel bad for our kids

so do I. 18 months of enduring this in their home

Do you both work?

does he enjoy work? Find stressful?

does he exercise? Socialise?

Thank you.

Honestly, nothing I can think of ‘set’ this off.
I would say he’s got progressively moodier as he’s gotten better older. He often says he’s getting miserable with age but I think he’s just constantly looking for excuses himself.

He is aware of his mood and mentality but swears antidepressants aren’t the answer because they make him feel horrible. I said to him when he came off them “So are we all supposed to suffer the consequences of you not wanting to take these medications because you don’t like the way they make YOU feel? What about the way WE feel?”

He sort of turned it back around on me and said “I’ll take them if that’s what YOU want but I’m not happy about it”.

I told him I don’t ever want him to do something he’s not happy with and he never went back on them. Instead he trialled expensive CBD and Lions Mane products to try a more ‘natural’ route.

x

Would he go to couple's counselling? That would be my last ditch attempt in your shoes. I think YANBU to not want to stay in an unhappy marriage if he's not prepared to do anything to work on himself. He also shouldn't be blaming his kids for behaving like children as a reason for him being unhappy. If he can't acknowledge that and want to change, that would be a deal breaker for me.

This is no way to live. My ex-husband was similar and it just wore me down over the years and made me distance
myself from him physically and emotionally. I stuck it out but at the 20 year mark I saw an escape route and took it. Never been happier but wish I’d done it sooner and had had the courage to do it before I did. My ex is a lovely man and was a good dad/husband but the negative attitude to everything was just too much in the end. He still does it with my kids - when they give him news or tell him about a decision they’ve made they can see his face working out the negatives and usually the first comment he makes is a negative one or a wordless sucking in of the teeth. I’ve told them it’s just how he processes things and is unlikely to change now so try not to take it personally. His mother was exactly the same.

We both work full time.

He has varying interests which I always encourage, buy merchandise for him etc.

I feel like I’m forever trying to ‘buy’ his happiness by purchasing anything he says he’s been interested in, looked into etc. It’s absolutely pathetic of me now I write it in black and white.

He socialises with his friends around once a week but on the day the event is scheduled, he’ll complain he ‘can’t be arsed’ and ‘all they’ll do is moan anyway’.

Its such a bizarre thing x

This is something I’ve thought of previously. I’m definitely going to have a look into it. Thank you x

Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your experience.

Its nice to know someone else has also experienced this and felt the same as I wonder whether I’m just overreacting and this really is just what happens when marriages progress.

Im glad you’re happy now 🩷

Well it’s not really

he’s either depressed but not will to engage about it
or
Given, You say it’s been like this for 15 YEARS!! It will likely be here has a negative and grumpy personality

He needs to get an endorphin boost. Physical exercise. Get involved in a sport or go to the gym.

I’m going to suggest this. Thank you x

Have you tried suggesting he goes to an Andy’s Man Club? Could be an option to help him express things he’s not willing to share with you.
Otherwise I’d say couples counselling as a last resort then leave if he refuses or it doesn’t change anything. You’ll know you’ve tried everything and your kids don’t have to put up with the awful environment.

This is a great idea. Thank you. I know we definitely have one in our area as I see posts on our local Facebook pages.

I really appreciate everyone’s kind responses. I was a little worried I would be flamed for one reason or another.

Me and the kids really do adore him and I just want to get him back to a happier version of himself x

He sounds hard to live with so yes unless his attitude changes then separation may be best if the kids are also tense around him. I would find it hard to love someone who is grumpy and negative all the time. Life is too short to be constantly living under a cloud. Has he seen a counsellor?

No.
He’s been to the doctor about his moods, thought said moods may stem from back pain / joint pain he’s suffered with, been treated for these things, seen various professionals for holistic treatment etc but after a while he just reverts back to saying the kids stress him out and that’s the reason.

Im willing to try anything and everything so I’ll look into a councillor. Thank you x

your DH is depressed, I don’t think it’s something that can be eradicated without help but he needs to acknowledge that and look for help.

i listened to a very interesting episode of Davina McCall’s podcast about this subject, link below. I know that if I were suffering with depression I would give this a go.

https://podcasts.apple.com/nz/podcast/patrick-cox-reclaiming-my-life-through-psychedelics/id1773104705?i=1000702002133

Thank you so much. X

Also please consider that thee are not only one or two kinds of anti-depressants. If a patient is having major side effects, a responsible physician would at least suggest an alternative prescription. Sometimes people have to try three or four drugs before finding the one that works for them.

My husband was similar, I persuaded him to go to the gp, he started taking medication - it’s a whole new withdrawal genuinely, still can grumble, but is so much more happy and relaxed and so we all are.

My ex was very similar, everything was shit according to him. We couldn't go out for a coffee cos the coffee was always shit and his was better at home. He'd offer to help a freind with something then moan to me why can't people do things for themselves. I'd have an idea on doing something and he'd have to come up with why it might not be a good idea first. It was exhausting. We argued about it a lot and he'd say he can't help himself, and he couldn't really, it was just the way he was wired. When we split I did think he might have been a bit depressed but he wouldn't even consider it.

It sounds like your DH could be too, but thats not an excuse to be a dick to everyone around you. You need to tell him he sorts it out or he can be a grumpy bastard without you

My husband is quite similar although not as bad. Following for advice, it is difficult.

In the kindest way OP it's not your job to "fix" him or find the reason why he's making his own life and that of his entire family a misery. He needs to be pro-active and sort himself out. Your role is to limit the exposure to his moods for your DC. And it sounds like a very unhappy household to be honest. I would suggest he moves out, sorts himself out and then you negotiate being a family again IF and when he's making a genuine effort.