To feel my negative husband is ruining our marriage?

[Strawbsss]

I’m really struggling to figure out how to deal with our marriage problems. My husband, who’s been my partner for ten years, the dad of our three kids, and always my best friend, has been super unhappy for the last 18 months.

To everyone else, he seems cheerful, friendly, and always ready to lend a hand. But at home, he’s just a bundle of negativity and complaints. He’s always saying things like “I hate this” and “I hate that” about everything from our family to products, events and even celebrities.

We’ve had tons of arguments about this. He admits he’s got a negative outlook but blames our kids for his outbursts and swearing. Sure, our kids are kids and they fight and complain, but that’s just what kids do. He has a hard time dealing with their noise and occasional antics because he’s neurodiverse himself.

A few months back, we had a huge row. I told him I couldn’t handle the constant negativity and feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I mentioned I felt like my only option was to leave the marriage. He promised to try and change, but after a few weeks, he went back to being miserable and complaining.

I feel bad for our kids because they get tense when he’s around. They’re worried they’ll say something that’ll set him off. He’s never been physical to anyone, and I don’t think he ever would. But his constant frown and negative attitude are just as upsetting to me.

In the past, he tried antidepressants but stopped because of the side effects. He’s also tried herbal remedies and making time for himself, but he just ends up complaining about how expensive things are and how strangers behave etc.

I dread our weekends because as soon as he wakes up, he starts moaning. There seems to be no joy in his life anymore, and it’s really affecting me.

My kids and I love him, but I feel like I’m slowly drifting away from him. I don’t want to have sex, cuddle, or spend time with him anymore. I just escape to bed early to lie there in silence.

I’m at a loss for what to do or think. Am I falling out of love? Is our marriage doomed?

Is there anything people have tried and tested to improve their moods that I could maybe suggest?

This sounds exactly like him.

Thank you, it really is exhausting. I really don’t think he means to half the time but I find myself rolling my eyes the second he says “I hate…” x

Does he do exercise? I found yoga extremely helpful when I had a depressive episode. It still helps me regulate my moods.

My dad is like this, it's so horrible to grow up around and he's even worse now he's older. We all went out for lunch yesterday and the only times he spoke were to complain about his food and to say something racist. I wish my mum had left him years ago, he is draining to be around and I don't like spending time with him. I bet your kids will feel the same way.

Testosterone deficiency maybe?

Is there anything people have tried and tested to improve their moods that I could maybe suggest?

You cannot improve his mood
Ask him what he Can to improve his mood? He knows what works for him
And it should not mean kids have to stop being kids

Nope
He tried to change a few days could not keep it up
He doesn't care
He isn't willing to continue a d s or speak to gp about them

Separate
mean what you said

I was going to say this too. Either depression or testosterone deficiency. Get him to ask GP for a blood test.

You've had some great suggestions but what you also need to consider is that you gave him an ultimatum and he didn't adjust so if you don't end it now what message does that send? Will you just get into a cycle of ultimatum>short term adjustment>relapse>ultimatum etc becauuse you weren't serious this time?

Also this, for all the great ideas, why hasn't he explored any of this himself?

He is ruining your marriage. And your life. And your dc’s life.

We only have one life. It’s too short to put up with this.

You’re looking into this and that, you have tried this and that - what the actual fuck has HE thought about or tried to help himself???

I’d leave him. fuck that.

@Strawbsss

You need to either leave or kick him out for your kids' sake. Growing up in a toxic household like this is extremely damaging for children and if you're not careful will leave them with life long issues. They are already tense when he's around and worried about saying the wrong thing. This is no way for them to live. You need to separate before any more damage is done.

Stop thinking about the miserable twat who won't help himself and complains about his own children being children and put them first.

He definitely sounds depressed to me. Tbh anti depressants do have side effects especially at first but they tend to wear off - you really have to just stick with it.

This sounds like my husband. He eventually listened and worked through various antidepressants until he found one he could tolerate. He is so much better. Even he can see it. It's been life changing for us both.

It's no fun for them either, feeling like this all the time and that was the bit I didn't understand. I knew he was making everybody else miserable, and i knew it was because he was depressed. But I didn't realise what a relief it would be for him once things started getting better. And nor did he! I think part of the depression is thinking its just the way you are. That there's no answer. Interestingly my husband also suffered from joint and back pain. And we tried to treat that thinking it would make him feel better. Turns out that treating his mood has done wonders for his ability to cope with his aches and pains.

Solidarity. I know how difficult it is and how much it hurts to see your best mate destroy the best thing in your lives. I really hope he can get through this and you get your husband back.

How old is he? Does he come with any plus points? I don’t mean that in a cynical sense but that over the years I have found it helpful to look at my own DH and marriage ‘in the round’ and appreciate his many positive sides,

Is your third child still a toddler? Could it be that he didn’t really realise the amount of work that a third child would entail? But he had his brief moment to change the course of destiny and has to step up now!

I think with all these situations there is a window for change. In his case it is probably to go back to the GP for antidepressants or seek counselling.

The problem in a relationship is that once you accept something for a long enough time then you yourself adapt to it, get into a routine, begin to see it as normal and it becomes your life. The human brain is programmed to normalise and accept.

That is why you get couples where you think ‘wtf’ and wonder why on earth they are still together, but they go on happily or unhappily together for decades out of sheer inertia.

You’ve both identified his moods as being problematic but only one of you sounds truly committed to trying things to improve his mood and it’s not him. Unfortunately though if he’s not taking responsibility when he understands already the possible consequences (separation) I doubt he will change now, aside from any brief performance of being a changed man he might pull out of the bag if you do separate. I think with his inability to change in mind you need to really focus on your children’s experiences, which is that they live in an environment full of tension, where they likely walk on egg shells, feel responsible for the mood of an adult and have some awareness their dad is annoyed/frustrated by them and thinks they are the problem. They deserve better and sadly he isn’t able to step up so you have to.

Actually the back pain is a good point. I had a slipped disk and was in pain for a whole year. I was also feeling down about something else that year but I think it massively contributed to my mood.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband was exactly the same and I was always like a nervous coiled spring waiting for the next negative comment or moan.
I left. I’m happier, but more importantly my kids have come alive. We have so much more fun and the house is a much happier place to be. He’s actually a better dad now as the time he spends with them is quality time and he really tries to make his time with them count. I know I was really unhappy in my marriage and I think he was too but wouldn’t tell me. So separating had removed any pressure and resentment.
your husband needs to go back to his GP and might be worth NLP support too if you want to save the marriage. I suggest that he looks into NLP etc himself as he needs to prove he wants to change and save your marriage. If he doesn’t take action then his inability to change speaks volumes

Couples counselling. And back to the Dr. I understand when he says the pills gave him side effects. They were the wrong pills for him. There are others. I speak from experience. Tell him he could wake up and just enjoy being alive again. He's got to try.

I find that a lot of men get grumpy & negative as they get older, and they just get worse & worse as time goes on. Wish I had advice OP, am struggling with this myself. Weighing up what is worse for DC - living with the negativity v breaking up our home and family (they’d still have to live with him and his negativity 50% of the time, and without me to shield them as much as I can now).
If it were just me, I’d have been long gone.

Just a further thought - I’ve come to the conclusion that daily, constant, perpetual annoyance & irritation from one’s partner can absolutely eventually outweigh love - and can even destroy love.
So as much as I love my husband, love isn’t enough. Should I stay just because of love, even if my daily life is quite miserable? He won’t change, he can’t, this is who he is, we’ve tried. I just want to be alone, yes without love - but maybe with some level of peace, maybe with an absence of unhappiness.
It feels like there’s an expectation that you should stay in a relationship that has love, unless there is a HUGE reason to leave - eg abuse etc. But I feel that even this lower-level of unhappiness should be seen as an equally valid reason to leave.
I guess this is really a version of that guy’s essay about the coffee cup (or glass?) that he’d leave next to the sink…!

No.... you love the old him. That's not who he is anymore.