To feel bad for not enjoying family time as a nuclear family?

[SoddingSoda]

Last christmas we went to my sibling’s house and the deal was that Christmas coming would just be me, Dh and DD.

We’ve just spent this Easter weekend as our nuclear family and to be honest it doesn’t feel like we’ve done ‘Easter’ at all. If anything it felt like a lazy Sunday where we didn’t bother to plan anything. We went for a walk and got a takeaway in.

The plan is for us to spend Christmas Day doing the same.

I know marriage is about compromise and DH evidently enjoys the laid back/just us vibe. I should feel extremely loved that DH would
prefer to spend the day just with me and DD (18 months) but instead I feel lonely/bored.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love it when we have a lazy Sunday, time spent the three of us under a blanket on the sofa/going for a walk/getting a takeaway but not when it should be a holiday. I got DD changed into a new dress/tights and DH laughed that we were weren’t going anywhere.

I grew up that Christmas/Easter meant eating a roast on a camping chair. Different generations playing games. Basically a party. DH keeps asking me if I’m enjoying myself and I don’t have the heart to say that this is incredibly dull.

I feel the same with regards to special occasions. Happy to spend normal weekends at home but if it's Christmas/Easter I prefer spending it with others. We get quite a bit of time 'just the 4 of us' so it doesn't seem particularly special.

You can still dress up and cook a festive meal.

He just sounds lazy.

I hate big family things and love just spending time with people I actually select to see

It's a mismatch of characters

I don't think either of you are wrong per se, I think you just need to alternate/ compromise as you are. My DH and I would be a bit like you but I'm more on your DH's side, they're a big, boisterous noisy family who'll gladly take any excuse for a party or big multi-generational get together, mine are smaller and quieter/more introverted and so while we do gather for special occasions it will definitely be less of a party and more quiet enjoyment of solitary pursuits whilst in the same location 😂and we will definitely take any excuse to just not and all spend time on our own sofas!

Seriously, even as an introvert I do get your point, you can lie on the sofa and get a takeaway any Sunday, it is nice even if you're totally unreligious to mark the holidays in some way. But as your DD gets older you'll likely be more drawn into /nagged for more things to do so I would have thought you likely have more active Easters to come, plus having an 18 month old is pretty knackering, let your DH enjoy this one without pestering him for more right now I'd say, and then do a big family gets together on the next bank holiday which isn't too far away.

One thing I don't think extrovert/ big family gets together people don't always acknowledge is that these huge multi-generational gatherings are quite exhausting for more introverted types, DH thinks his family parties are totally idyllic and picture perfect, he talks fondly about having all the generations in one room, the makeshift catering and seating, the fun and games, the cousins all running round together and so on, all that is true but there's also the other side of it, the hub-ub and overheating of too many people in too small a room, the stress and expense for the hosts (usually the women to be fair), the elderly relatives confused or uncomfortable or unable to hear anything over the noise, there's always at least one child crying or fallen over or feeling left out!of the cousins games, one person whose special diet has gotten forgotten, one simmering row about to kick off, one item of crockery about to be smashed or drink about to be split on the soft furnishings and so on - I'm trying not to sound like a Grinch here and I promise I do make the effort and even enjoy myself while I'm there but just trying to convey why I might groan when DH announces the latest family plan and try to barter him down to only spending some time there and have some downtime at home as well...

I have 51 first cousins. So you can guess I have a lot of aunts and uncles. My parents deliberately only had me. I much prefer having a quite Christmas just me and my wife (we don't have kids). She is from a small family so likes it too. We have our own traditions and things we do.

As a kid, the massive boxing day get together with mum's side. The little kids over tired, over excited. The wasted food. The need to be polite and well behaved. The fact someone had to drive. The occasional argument

Later when I was older, boxing day was dad's family shooting day. Again the need to be polite. To get there on time. The occasional disappointing day of being cold and wet and getting nothing.

No give me a quite day. In fairness we are both now retired but very busy so the chance to be quite is appreciated

But at Xmas you will cook a lovely Xmas dinner, and there will be presents.

You might be bored, but your husband probably finds your ideal Xmas with the wider family exhausting and draining. You've come up with an acceptable compromise of alternating years, which seems fair.

YANBU to find small family occasions dull, he’s not BU to find large, busy family occasions too much. It needs to be a compromise. If you always have the big family Christmas, you’ll always have the Christmas that you prefer and not the one he prefers. That’s not really fair.

Yeah I agree, DH is has hinted that he would like just us for Christmas and I always see on here that people just want to hunker down with the kids and eat chocolate. Absolutely not for me and I don't think it would feel special at all.

Perhaps, just for Christmas/Easter you and I should change husbands?!

I hate going to other peoples houses for organised fun on these days! We do take it in turns like you are doing but I just can’t stand it! I love being in my house, my little family of three with nowhere else to be and no one else to entertain or be entertained by! Thankfully, this Christmas is ‘my’ Christmas!

my husband on the other hand would prefer that we spend Christmas Eve, Day, Boxing Day and New years eve at his parents with all his extended family! I can’t stand those years!

I think you should have planned the day a little better. A walk and a take away isn’t going to be the most exciting.

Lunch out and a walk some where different to usual walk. Next year, you can have a little Easter egg hunt. Or a night away somewhere.

I wouldn’t like it, I like to have (close) extended family for those events (unless we’d had a very tough year and just needed to collapse perhaps)

You have to compromise though, so alternate years I guess (unless there are particular rellies he doesn’t like and you can work around that).

I also prefer / enjoy spending holidays as nuclear family. However ours are as busy as we’d like them without the mandatory conversations, hosting and noise of other family. Just because you are spending it as a nuclear family doesn’t mean you do nothing- you can go for egg hunts with the kids, plan some experiences etc. we’ve been very busy this Easter weekend although it’s just the 3 of us.

I’m totally with you, I grew up with big family Easter/Christmas and it feels a bit boring and same-y if it’s just us!

I think your husband’s attitude is partly to blame, mine is similar and I think it drags everything down when you’ve got small children. You need other people to care/show enthusiasm.

We do a separate nuclear family Christmas dinner as I couldn't bear not having the chaos of my entire family at Christmas (20+ of us!). We spend Good Friday to Easter Sunday with 18 of us, but go home in the afternoon to get stuff done and enjoy Easter Monday at home.

Gotta have that chaos. I'd be so upset if I couldn't spend these special occasions with my family.

We don't celebrate Easter and I'm not bothered about it and enjoy having some extra time over the bank hols for DH and I to do some more stuff together with the kids. Equally happy to also spend time with extended family or friends too though.

Christmas we do celebrate culturally and I totally agree. A Christmas day just me, DH and the kids wouldn't "feel" like Christmas to any of us.

My mind went straight to 20 people sharing one bathroom. The shower must be going all day!

That’s lovely for you though. I can see how people would enjoy it if they don’t have any sensory issues and have cool families that get along.

For me, I feel cramped, hot, overstimulated by noise and stressed by having to be constantly “on” socially. I wake up feeling panicked knowing I can’t wake up at my own pace in a quiet space, as soon as I step out of the room I’ll have to engage with someone. Etc!

I think the trick is to book in a few things. For Christmas I find one day in, one day out works well and for Easter I plan something each day. It could be cook a roast one day and then go to the cinema that evening, the next day a walk and a pub lunch etc.

It is a tricky one. We had one Christmas at home I was bored, DH watched TV, all in bed by 9pm, never again.

Like you, we had big family Christmas meals with an adult and children table.

We live locally so there are no sleepovers.

There is over 360 days to be together as a family, when it comes to Christmas and our summer meet up, I'm up for meeting with siblings, partners, nieces and nephews, spending over dinner, when my parents were alive they'd be there too.

You are not being unreasonable, however, what are your family actually like?

My Dh’s family are basically functioning alcoholics, every event ie. Christmas, Easter, any random Sunday… is a meal that is fuelled start to finish with wine & beer and I sick of my children being around obnoxious adults with a drink in their hand all day. (Lots of extended relatives who never had children) Nothing harmful about their behaviour per se, but not exactly wholesome child related fun, either.

So you need to fully examine the reasons why he wants to just chill at home

I think... I think I'm a bit fascistic about big families. Taking up all those resources and all that space. Breeding all those kids. Bombarding my soul with their egocentric insistence upon existing.

You know those people who go into a tiny coffee shop expecting a table for 11. Those people.

My ExH was of your opinion. I did give in and we went up to his family every Christmas.

he loved it. He didn’t cook or clean and pretty much ignored our kids. Spent the time drinking and nattering to his parents and siblings etc.

i was the one sorting out the kids, negotiating over what they would eat (no, he’s allergic to dairy and there’s cheese in that please can he have something else), trying to get them to settle in an unfamiliar house and soothing them at 4am when they woke up with nightmares.

honestly one of the best things about being divorced is not having to see his family. Apparently my kids also refuse now as well.

You are not being unreasonable - I grew up the same as you but I think because I was so close to cousins and we were so close in age is why I loved it so much.
My mum hated all the busy, drinking get togethers where she ended up keeping an eye on the children and my brother told me he hated them and was bored as there was no one his age.

So I’ve tried to stop comparing and enjoy what we have. I’ve also tried to connect more with friends who have kids mine love for times like this so they get this feeling even though it’s not ‘family’.

DH keeps asking me if I’m enjoying myself

This is a bit strange on the part of him. It's the sort of question one might ask a child, or maybe even a partner, on holiday or at a theme park, but to ask this about what sounds like a quiet Sunday at home, sounds a bit odd.

You sound like you should be commenting on the thread about why people hate big families.