To feel bad for not enjoying family time as a nuclear family?

[SoddingSoda]

Last christmas we went to my sibling’s house and the deal was that Christmas coming would just be me, Dh and DD.

We’ve just spent this Easter weekend as our nuclear family and to be honest it doesn’t feel like we’ve done ‘Easter’ at all. If anything it felt like a lazy Sunday where we didn’t bother to plan anything. We went for a walk and got a takeaway in.

The plan is for us to spend Christmas Day doing the same.

I know marriage is about compromise and DH evidently enjoys the laid back/just us vibe. I should feel extremely loved that DH would
prefer to spend the day just with me and DD (18 months) but instead I feel lonely/bored.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love it when we have a lazy Sunday, time spent the three of us under a blanket on the sofa/going for a walk/getting a takeaway but not when it should be a holiday. I got DD changed into a new dress/tights and DH laughed that we were weren’t going anywhere.

I grew up that Christmas/Easter meant eating a roast on a camping chair. Different generations playing games. Basically a party. DH keeps asking me if I’m enjoying myself and I don’t have the heart to say that this is incredibly dull.

I always argued that we could spend any weekend day on our own - why would we not spend Christmas or Easter with family? I have a small family which I'm always rather sad about - would love to have been part of a big family and enjoy big family get togethers.

We tend to have big gatherings at Christmas, always at ours as we have the most space. Fortunately everyone lives locally so no one stays.
Covid year I got my secret wish for a quiet Christmas and it was the best one ever but the evening time did feel a little flat. Quiet and relaxing, definitely. But something was missing.
We do quite a lot just the 5 of us, weekends if we have no plans we’ll go for a walk, drink at the pub and then home for a roast. So the same but on a significant day doesn’t feel as special as sharing it with others.
I don’t know, neither of you are right or wrong really.
I’m always outvoted when I suggest just having Christmas just us 😂

This…

add the fact that my dh’s family has no other children whatsoever, so no cousins, 2nd cousins- no other children for our kids to run around with

invariably our kids end up sitting in front of the tele, while a room full of adults drink. Not harmful as a one-off, but not a fun experience for them, either. DH sees no problem with this, as it’s how they’ve always been… I could get on board if there were cousins to play with, but I simply don’t enjoy the company of his parents etc enough to sit around and drink all day, whilst my kids are effectively in front of the tv.

There are lots of reasons why partners don’t enjoy the big extended get-togethers, OP you need to talk to your DH to understand his reasoning

When our children were young, every special holiday was spent with extended family and I usually cooked huge meals and generally ran myself ragged. Even though I enjoyed seeing family, it usually meant houseguests and endless cooking and washing up. I love them all but found it exhausting! Now the children are adults and I'm very happy to have a quiet chilled day doing nothing much ☺️ DH and I did a leg of lamb and vegetables in the slow cooker yesterday and had it for tea with mash watching tv, it was bliss! Today, two of my adult sons have popped round and taken a portion home for their dinner 😂

I agree with this perspective, but unfortunately it does also depend on the behaviours, dynamics, and age ranges of families.

i like Christmas and Easter to be be a busy family time. DH prefers it just just. I usually win though. In 22 years we’ve only had maybe 3 Christmases just us.

though tbh. Now that the dds are adults and great company I really wouldn’t mind it being just us but if we don’t invite DHs parents then his sisters don’t and they’d be on their own. MIL has dementia and is quite hard work for FIL so we always invite them so he gets a break and some normal conversation. It’s also nice for MIL to not just be stuck with FIL as he can get quite short with her at times.

we’ve had my parents this weekend too. Again it’s nice for my dad as my mum has mental health issues and is really hard work. So it’s nice for my dad to have other people to talk to.

these days in many ways it’s easier if it’s just us (and DD2s boyfriend most of the time). But we feel like we need to have family over for their sake.

It doesn't sound really dull.

Could split the day? Half with him and half enjoying some merriment with your family?

Sorry but I think you are being very unreasonable. Only boring people get bored so why dont you make it more fun? Make plans, arrange stuff to do? It doesn't have to be sofa vs party, there is a whole range of other stuff you could do. Be grateful you have a dh who's wanting to be a family man and spend his time with you rather than being distracted by hobbies.

I feel the same at Christmas, I think Christmas should be with lots of people and if it isn't it doesn't feel the same

I like a mix of chaos and calm unstructured time. This weekend we had calm Good Friday just us three, then my family came over easter saturday and I cooked, then easter sunday we met friends in the morning then were at home just us in the afternoon, then Monday I cooked for 11 people. Phew. I like the rollercoaster. I love seeing people and socialising but I also need recovery time. Its all in the contrast.

You could have a lazy family day any weekend of the year so can totally see why it wouldn’t feel very special or like you’ve done anything. Celebrations such as Xmas and Easter are for families imo. Admittedly being with family for the whole 4 days might be a bit intense but why could you not split the time? Do an Easter egg hunt with cousins/ nieces and nephews and then have a day ‘off’ as such where you did your walk and got a takeaway? Same with Xmas, it’s not just one day so there’s time to have quiet family time as well within the mix surely? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing

It's good that you can compromise to each get what you enjoy. I wouldn't mind at Easter, but I think Christmas would feel a bit sad. I'd definitely make sure to still make it special- prepare the special foods and things like that, make sure to do an egg hunt etc.

Christmas has just never been the same since both my parents passed away 18+ years ago. They hosted the family gatherings for 4 children, spouses and grandchildren. Best of all though was New Year's Day when they also hosted extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins and their children. They were boisterous, noisy and so much fun! DH enjoyed them just as much as I did. It was the best day of the year. Nothing has ever been the same since.

We have family Christmases now with our own children, and two of my siblings and DN's come over in the evening. It's just not the same and it's so much more sedate!

Enjoy those big family occasions while you can, is my advice.

Gawd. I even hate the expression ‘family time’, it really gets my back up. When you’re just at home with the people you live with that’s just ‘living life’ — I don’t know why it needs some forced designation.

I like socialising at home with friends as well as relatives, I don’t know why there needs to be a distinction. My people are just my people, related or otherwise.

We live far from our respective families so quite often it’s just the 4 of us. I agree with you and it doesn’t feel special at all. I made a special breakfast for Easter but that and the Easter eggs were literally the only thing that made the day/weekend any different to a regular one.

My DH is not very sociable so he’s quite happy with this setup. If we ever get invited to spend Xmas with others I jump at the chance. So, no YANBU to feel that it’s just another weekend.

Agree with this too.

I don't really understand people who like to spend special occasions just with their partner and children...that's like every other day to me.

Well, surely you can still do whatever you like, just as a threesome? Dress up, eat special food, do whatever. It was always just DH, DS and I for Easter when he was little because we lived in another country to both families, and we always had special food, did an elaborate Easter egg hunt for DS, went out to a local annual event etc.

Compromising as you're doing sounds fair. But you don't need to lie to him, and you don't need to just get takeaway. DD is still very small but in 2 years when this next rolls round you can do an egg hunt, roast dinner, home made hot cross buns, whatever floats your boat.

Also need this be the whole of Christmas/Easter or just the main day itself? We quite often have Christmas just the 4 of us but we still see family that week, just on a different day. Doing Easter Sunday solo doesn't mean you have to hibernate the entire Fri-Mon or miss out in seeing people.

I agree with you OP. I don't have a big family, but I would always want to spend Christmas and Easter with someone - parents / in laws / sibling or whatever. We had one Christmas with just us during covid and it didn't feel the same!

I was searching for a thread on how I’m feeling and my own thread popped up from Easter.

I’m find DH just a bit too suffocating recently. Might be because it’s summer which I feel is opposite to snuggling up on the sofa together.

I feel like DH wants to constantly spend all his time with me. Wants me to talk to him on the way home from work, doesn’t like watching tv on his own, if he’s at a social event without me he’ll stay for the minimum time before rushing home. He’s definitely a home bird and I guess you’d say he’s an extroverted introvert.

It’s driving me insane. We’ve spent every evening ‘in’ this week (I had a horrible cold), yesterday I complained that I’m getting cabin fever and want to do something fun tonight. I suggested today instead of dinner we go down to the local pub that has food trucks in the carpark and everyone takes a blanket/chairs. I then said about him texting his friend to see what him he’ll be going with his partner as they’re always there but we miss them. ‘Oh I thought it was just going to be us…’ The last couple of times we’ve been we’ve only stuck about for 30 minutes after we’ve finished eating/our drink.

Some evenings when DD has gone to bed I just want to chill by myself. If I want to read a book in bed he’ll offer to come to bed too. He’s disappointed when I suggest that he carries on watching TV by himself (as a general rule I don’t like his tv shows). Same with when I get in the bath, he’ll come in the bathroom to chat to me.

That does sound suffocating. But also it sounds like maybe you’ve just gone off him a bit? 😬

Sounds smothering! Have you told him you feel this way?

Have you told him this? If not, just tell him.

You need to alternate. Personally I like big family events as that’s what makes it special to me and I think provided your relatives aren’t monsters, this is where special memories are created.

Do you have any friends you can go out with to get some time away from him?