Why do young people never go out anymore?

[BavarianHound]

I'm 37, so grew up late 90s/early 2000s. I would go out with friends a lot, we'd sit on park benches and wonder around, we'd drink WKDs and could be happily bored in each other's company, we'd call each other or knock the door. I am not saying this was peak socialisation at all, but it was something, we knew how to communicate, how to be bored, had confidence to go to our friends door.

I have 2 sons, 10 & 14. 10 year old will meet with friends, but I'll loiter in the background (he has ASD&ADHD). But my 14 year old never goes out. He plays some sport, but other than that, he is home. He has all this physical energy so can be incredibly hard work because he takes it out on us, just in a playful but annoying way. Very few people he knows seem to go out too, but are home gaming. It feels stunted, and they will never get this time back.

As an aside, local Facebook groups are a hive of "just seen boys hanging outside CO OP, just warning' or 'boys still on a roof, parents shouldn't be allowing such behaviour ' and they attach photos. Not saying anti social behaviour is acceptable, just highlighting that where there was no social commentary on teenagers previously, there is now.

I'm not sure girls are as affected?

Feels like a lost generation ?

My ds13 on a typical day this holiday has gamed in the morning and goes to the park in the afternoon until dinnertime. They play football, climb trees and go to the local shop. It's a village if that makes any difference.

Sorry this thread has got caught up in some silly examples I gave from being 16 years old. I absolutely do not my son sitting on a park bench drinking WKDs. It's really lovely to read about others experiences of teens going to the cinema and beach, things I also did. I would love it if my son did the same, but he does go to the cinema with me quite a lot.

I don't know if some of it boils down to confidence, why is why I gave the example of going to each others houses when I was younger.

My son still does family activities, out with grandparents and garden centres and walks the dog with me.

My son recently fell out with his 2 childhood best friends, I don't think it was a fall out as much of a growing distance, I think he is struggling to find his feet, he has got other friends though but admittedly I am worried. Perhaps my thread was started on what I thought was a general observation but on reading posts, may be more isolated to personal experience. Although, I think gaming has really left teens more isolated.

Could have wrote this myself! I too have said DS who is 13 also has ADHD and all he wants to do is game, we do go out spend a few hours because it's forced, but he will not do it alone has online 'friend' but no real actual friends sad maybe because his ADHD can be a bit much. Sometimes I don't know what's best, all his old school friends (went to different schools) out on bikes groups of them. My son worries about having his bike nicked being stabbed (thought process is different) so completely understand you! Me born in the 80's loved climbing trees catching frogs, grass hoppers swimming, roller skates whatever.. not that I like it but times have changed sadly!

Can you stop your son gaming? Mines not started gaming yet, he’s tried but he’s just rubbish at it. If yours is gaming too much I’d limit it

I’m not sure, but it seems to carry on when they’re adults as well, I work with quite a few young adults (21-25) and none of them go clubbing, to bars or festivals etc. They spend most of their spare time at home with their families.

It’s quite bizarre talking to them because I’ve never known a generation of young people who are so sensible and cautious, I can’t help but feel it’s a bit sad tbh. They seem so concerned with safety and money that they’re missing out on so much fun and socialising.

My Grandsons go to the skate park and hang around with other skaters.
Then go to McDonald's.. meet friends for the cinema.
My daughter always seems to have a house full of teenage boys too.. usually playing basket ball in the garden or darts in the garage.

Ds did not socialise much until he got his full time job. He is now 20 and the past two years he has gone out way more. It used to concern me but the pandemic ruined his teenage years once he was 15.

Do Not remember all the trouble that used to take place in parks in early evenings ?
At least one of my friends got sexually assaulted by the older lads at school under the influence of alcohol.
They were fights
At least there were no knives back in the day, but there were still plenty of black eyes dish out.

How have you jumped from terms socialising outside to causing a nuisance?

Is that because of the way you were brought up? Like the OP is spent a lot of free time outside with a group of friends, no one caused any trouble, everyone managed to get into uni, get jobs etc and I also think it's a shame that's not the norm now.

My two (20 and 17) don’t go out much. Well DS does now he is at uni, and has always played sport. DD will go to cinema now and then with friends, but is always at home. I look back at my teens with fondness and still close to my school friends as we approach 50. But that said, i’m glad they aren’t doing what I was in my teens.

The world has changed. Pre-smart 'phones and social media if you were bored you rang a friend or knocked on their door.

That's not necessary anymore and many people think it's rude to turn up at someone's house unannounced.

I have always been an extreme introvert and socially anxious so never did the 'knocking on' thing and instead spent hours upon hours tying up my parents landline chatting to friends with less frequent outside school meetings.

My 2 years younger brother however was extremely gregarious and I vividly remember being pissed off with the frequent door-knockers.

But to answer your question, yes, mine see friends and I don’t need to do much facilitation of their social lives other than driving them places or going to collect friends because we live fairly rurally. I don’t need to hover around in the background. In fact, we have a WhatsApp group just to figure out where the kids might be. 😂 They go between our houses and they go for walks in the woods, swim in a friend’s pond, they spent most of yesterday except for when we were having Easter lunch on the trampoline with friends. Sometimes someone with have a campfire and they’ll cook sausages. They definitely aren’t stuck inside gaming.

Also agree to an extent.

I think my upset at this likely towards myself, otherwise it may not be on my radar so much?

Both boys did go out more when we lived in our old village, my youngest still does. We lived there for their whole lives, until my LL told me she was selling, and In the stupidest mistake I ever made, I left before i thought I would be pushed and we were homeless for a period, until I bought a house about 15 minutes drive away in a place we have no connection to because I was desperate and could afford it. I am hoping to try and move back within the year.

I worked very hard to get myself a Masters and decent job, but I always felt ashamed that I was a single mother, so although I always have made an effort to help out at sports and school, I could have done better at socialising.

Wow, did not expect this thread, just writing it down, to uncover more.

Yes I agree with you . My children are just a few years older ,born mid 90s ,00s and they were out socialising,playing sport,meeting at friends ,festivals and just enjoying their peer group company. A bit of FIFA on Xbox was as far as gaming involved.

OP "we'd sit on park benches and wonder around, we'd drink WKDs"

You want your kids 10 & 14 to drink alcohol on park benches. Wow.

Maybe it depends on where you live. We live in a small, pretty boring town so it doesn't feel too risky for the kids to be out with friends. My DS (12) is going out on his bike today with friends, although that does involve taking him to the next village along which is a bit of a pain. DD (15) has also been for a sleepover and sometimes hangs out with friends. Most of her friends live a bit out of town though, so it's not as simple as just getting together under their own steam.

They do spend a lot of time gaming or scrolling on their bedrooms, but I spent that time reading magazines that don't exist anymore.

In this easter hols alone my 15yr old has taken his bike out goodness knows how many times with his mates, to different bike parks/trails including jumping on the train to get to a couple. He’s taken part in a mnt bike race enduro.
He’s been fishing with his mates, walking up a mountain with me and helped his dad with sanding his boat.

My 11yr old has been up 2 mountains with me, countless dog walks, met friends at the park, been on a boat and climbing both indoors and out quite a few times… all in 2 weeks.

This is not unusual activity for my dc on weekend and after school either.

Yes, they both like their screen time. But they have hobbies!!!… Does your child have hobbies?

I find that children also mimick their parents…. Do you have hobbies? Do you encourage your dc to join in? My kids are only in to some of their sports/hobbies because me and their dad are. They’ve grown up around it.

My son was 16 ( yr 11) when first lockdown started. He was working pt through the 2nd one and at college sobe of the time. He also was out on empty football pitches with his friends .
He regularly toes to cinema or food places ( usually nandos) with his mates. He didn't do clubbing so much but that was because he was working behind the bar at the nightclub. Also played Sunday league football

Also been on a few city breaks and a boys holiday. He obviously was slightly restricted during lockdowns but otherwise carried on as normal.

I never did this. I simply wasn't allowed to roam and I had no inclination to either. My friend group either went to each other's houses, or went the local shopping centre to shop, go to the cinema, McDonalds, Pizza Hut etc.

It's a complete myth that all kids just wandered the streets or got pissed up over the park in 'the good old days'.

Incidentally, my parents were young parents, as were most of my closest friends' and they were all way stricter about our whereabouts than the friends with older parents (this was the 90s, so for 'young', read they had us in their early 20s and 'older' later 20s/30ish at a push).

i have two young adult children (age 24)

they don’t go out clubbing or to bars much because neither of them drink.

neither spend significant time with their families because one is at uni and the other one is a musician in London and I have to book in to see him he’s so busy with gigs and rehearsals and lessons and “Jams”.

all the young adults at uni seem to have no problem socialising - although fewer of them drink so bars and clubbing are less popular.

@BavarianHound the teens I know (boys and girls) do a mix of meeting up and gaming at home. So even the most obsessed gamers will meet up with friends at park to kick about a football, as well as do activities with family - swimming, BMX track, snowboarding etc or meet friends to go shopping, cinema, bowling.

On the other hand visiting a pool recently with younger children and there was a large group of teenage boys mucking about in the pool and you could see the tension from the lifeguards. I felt sorry for the boys as I was just thinking how preferable it was for them to be at the pool! So I can see it might be hard sometimes for groups of exuberant teens to meet up in public places. In general I find even the loudest teens to be unfailingly polite when younger children or older people are about.

The only child I know who is never out, always in room is experiencing really crippling social anxiety and is awaiting support from CAMHS.

I think there needs to be a balance between hanging out in the park unsupervised (which I definitely did too OP) and spending the whole time in front of a screen or being helicoptered from one activity to the next which is what I see with a lot of kids now.

Neither is/was great although I definitely think my experience made me more streetwise and self-sufficient than many kids today.

I think it's to do with ages too.

8-12/13 seems common for playing out, kicking a football about, going on the trampoline etc.

Latest 14 onwards those things seem babyish to teens.

For me that was more meeting friends in town and just hanging about on a Saturday. Going into shops and trying things on, getting a McDonald's to share. And smoking.

15-16 occasional staying over at a friend's and getting booze to drink in the park.

16-18 I went to an independent school with a lot of rich kids (I wasn't one, U had a scholarship) so that was more house parties, driving around in cars and getting into pubs and clubs underage. Occasionally. Wasn't even weekly.

My children rarely went out as teenagers they always wanted to be at home, they had everything they needed right here, gaming, tv, food, access to the internet and able to chat with their friends whenever they wanted to. They a adults now and have no trouble working and interacting with others

I think this goes beyond young teens actually. I think the internet and social media has killed off socialising in person for younger people. My dd is 21 and despite having a group of friends (at university) they barely make the effort to see each other a lot of the time, everything is voice notes and instagram etc etc. When she comes home every few weeks she barely leaves the house (despite having local friends) and we hear her rambling away on her phone upstairs but she barely goes out. None of them seem interested in relationships or sex or any of the standard things we did at teens / young people. I think Covid and the internet has completely changed society. People don’t even need to go out to work now; everything (well, a lot of jobs) are now online from home…!