Daughters friend physically aggressive - no more play dates?

[Solocatmum]

I’m not sure how to manage an awkward friendship situation.

I have a DD (age 4 Reception) and she has quite a wide friendship circle so we always have people over. One of our friendship group (more my friend) has a son who is a month younger but preschool as the school year cuts off between them.

He’s a nice kid underneath but highly strung and has aggressive rages if doesn’t his own way. No additional needs / known neurodiversity, but he’s been in middle of parental breakup and a bit of change (moving house/nursery). Result is his behaviour is, at times, really rather challenging.

Mum is a very gentle parent and tends to use some of the reasons for his behaviour as excuses for it. She tends to pander to / excuse the bad behaviour. It would be fine if that was just her affected by it.

Problem I have is the physical aggression towards my DD. She’s pretty stubborn not a wallflower but never physical as she’s tiny, just stubborn at times (mainly at me). If she plays up, she gets told very firmly.

I had a gathering with number of kids and parents. The kids were playing together but my DD got fed up with kids messing stuff in her room and wanted them out of her room (none of them should have been up there but I was hosting alone and sorting food etc). Anyway, as I understand it, during this my friends boy punched my DD in face and another dad chastised him and told me. I told his mum he had hit DD. She made him apologise (was forced no contrition) but she came up with excuse about some argument over the doors upstairs. I don’t think any excuse for a punch in face even if my daughter was annoying or in the wrong (other witnesses suggest not but she can be annoying and I wasn’t there so I’ll be neutral on that). Later there was also an incident in playroom with him pushing her. Again, I was in other room at time of incident but others parents commented that it was unprovoked other than dispute over toys. When I entered room I told kids to calm it and (very low tone quietly) gave the “no pushing/shoving in my house. If you are feeling annoyed please go and calm down” lecture. The kid then went full red faced angry rage and threw various toys on floor and actually at me. I felt quite stressed /nervous by the hard flying objects.

Now, I like mum very much. She’s a good sort and hasn’t had easiest time. But my DD is pretty clear she’s now not keen to play with the boy again. Frankly I don’t really want him in my house or near my DD if he’s going to get punchy. And I don’t want hard objects thrown at me.

So do I deal with the mum and land the “no more play dates/invites” message (and how do o do this - she’s a lovely and sensitive soul). Am i being too harsh to cut off play dates until he sorts his anger issues?

YANBU - no more play dates
YABU - give the kid a break

I’d just avoid having play dates with them from now on. There were lots of kids over the years that came to our house once and never again.

If another child is a nightmare, never inflict that on your dd. Role model to her from an early age that she should not have to put up with other people’s shit and particularly aggressive male behaviour. The ‘gentle’ indulgent approach from the useless mother is doing him no favours and he’s only going to get worse so nip it in the bud now.

Sorry pressed the wrong button YANBU.Do not let this child near your DD.
I wouldn't care if his mum is a 'sensitive person' your child needs you to
keep her safe.

My DS was still quite aggressive at 4, he would hurt other children if he got overwhelmed or frustrated. He wasn’t a bad child, just a 4 year old struggling to regulate emotions and he needed a lot more support with that that either of my DDs ever did. He improved loads once he was in reception and doesn’t do this at all now at 6, but it took a lot of us supporting him and helping him with strategies to deal with his frustration to get to this point (as well as him just getting more mature).

I always completely understood when friends of children he hurt (and no matter how much I tried to monitor situations, not leave him alone with other kids etc etc, it still happened on occasion) didn’t want their kids to play with him. This was my problem to deal with, not theirs. I completely stopped meeting friends at soft play, because it was so hard to keep a close enough eye on him, and he’d end up hurting someone.

You can have understanding and empathy towards your friend and her child, but ultimately your primary duty is to your DD, so avoiding play dates for now (especially large ones where groups of kids are unsupervised- no judgement, just not the place for a child having difficulties), sounds sensible.

If she’s a really good friend and you want to be supportive, could you maybe suggest a trip to the playground with just the two of you and the kids? But only if your DD is happy to.

I had similar happen many years ago. At first I put up with it, until it escalated. I felt horrible as I'd put my friendship before my daughters safety. I realised I had to speak up so I messaged her, "I've asked x (daughter) and she doesn't want to meet up anymore." She understood and stopped asking. We were cordial whenever we saw each other, but we were no longer friends. Your daughter needs to know that in your eyes, her safety comes first. You'll make other friends.

I had a good chat with DD this morning. She’s clear she used to like him (they have fun normally) but he has hurt and scared her now and she’s clear he’s a meanie she doesn’t want to see. So there’s no question that won’t be meeting up with kids again.

I was in two minds about how to explain sudden no play dates to mum, but am inclined towards the kind but direct “I don’t want to arrange anymore play dates for the time being. My DD is still upset about what happened at our house and is scared [boy] will hurt her again when he gets angry. I have to put her safety and feelings first”

I'd go with the kind but direct explanation too.

I don’t see why you need to put the blame on dd in the explanation. I think that just makes everything worse for your friend and distracts from her son’s behavior.

Just say “Sally it looks like little nevill is struggling a lot to manage his big emotions. I think we will not be available for playdates for a while. I would love to catch up with you whenever we can arrange child free time, though. Just let me know what works.”

I'm so sorry to have to say this at this tricky time for you but we need to take a break from play dates. The safety of all the children is the priority, including that of your DS.

Make it quite clear your meaning, it's hard on her but other people cannot do her parenting for her.

This where chatGPT is your friend!

You don’t need to send any proactive explanation. Just don’t invite the boy. If she suggests a playdate then you can say sorry, but DD isn’t keen to see X. She will know why.

Please don’t send any of the suggestions above saying things like “due to your child’s violence”. Unnecessarily hurtful. If you say no to playdates and stop initiating/inviting she will know very well that her child’s behaviour is the problem.

I have a child who used to lose her rag at this age including some hitting. (There was a SN reason it turns out but that doesn’t mean I expect other kids or parents to be ok with it). Believe me, parents know when their child is “that kid”.

The best thing she can do tbh is keep him out of unsupervised playdates especially group scenarios, otherwise he will burn all his bridges. He needs supervised social practice with immediate intervention and if you’re not up for heavily supervised playdates (or if mum doesn’t supervise properly anyway) then he’ll need to get that elsewhere, probably nursery and no playdates.