Page 4 | Husbands phone on silent

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 2025-04-20T20:44:21+00:00

As the title says basically. His phone is always on silent. Every God damn day. Can never get hold of him and it pisses me off so much. He just leaves it laying about on. In his pocket, on the settee, in the baby bag, on the fireplace always on silent. Nobody can get hold of him ever. They ring me or text me. He could be out in the garden for a few hours and dosent check when he comes back in. It's not password protected and he leaves it in plain sight so there is no issue with trust etc it just pisses me off. I can ever get hold of him. He could be at work and just never comes back to me in a reasonable time in an emergency. Can anyone relate

JumpingPumpkin · 21/04/2025 09:13

The issue of him not being contactable by you is one thing, I think I’d actually work on that second.

First, completely refuse to be his messenger. If anyone texts you trying to contact him either ignore completely or give them his number. Do this for everything except medical emergencies.

Make him feel the consequences, and miss out on things or upset others if he wants to. It’s not your problem.

Depending how that goes you can then move onto a discussion on how to communicate between yourselves.

Stravaig · 21/04/2025 09:13

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 21/04/2025 08:51

Its not excessive no. Some days I don't contact him for days. Other days it might just be a case of getting some milk on his way home from work or if I'm out shopping asking if we need anything. Sounds very trivial I know but when it's all day every day and he's missing calls and messages from others it becomes very annoying. He's been like this for 15 years every day. Its relentless

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Ok. So it's his basic communication style. Bluntly, and very unhelpfully, don't marry and have kids with him! (Sorry, but others need to know.) Moving on. Options.

Accept it, stop fighting it, for your own peace of mind. Carrying on working around. If you choose him, you choose this.

Talk to him seriously. Does he truly understand the effect on you? If he can't/won't change, then would him acknowledging that you are carrying all the load as contactable partner/parent help? What do you get in return?

Or leave.

I agree with pp, stop being a message service or conduit for others to reach him. Tell them bluntly No, and they should get onto him about being hard to reach. This is everyone's problem, until it's his problem, but it's not solely yours.

It's shitty, OP. I'm more of a phone-off person, but I can see how this would be exhausting and crazy-making for someone incompatible.

SideshowBobster · 21/04/2025 09:15

gannett · 21/04/2025 07:55

My phone has been on silent since 2007. I check it when I feel like it, which could be 20 times a day or none. It's for my convenience, not anyone else's. No, you can't rely on me to snap to your attention and be there when you want. To all intents and purposes I'm not reliably contactable immediately. (You can try emailing or messaging me on social media - I am a reasonably online person so there's a strong chance I'll see one of the many forms of communication we have at our disposal - but no, you can't guarantee I'll see it.) That's the point, that's how I like it and that's what everyone in my life accepts.

Even if my phone wasn't on silent you couldn't guarantee you'd get hold of me. I might be in the Tube. I might be out of signal. I might be in a different country. I might just be BUSY with the million things I do in my life that aren't to do with you.

I don't think about emergencies because they're rare and unlikely by their very nature. I've received one emergency call in my life (DP collapsed at work) and I didn't get it... not because I had my phone on silent but because I was in fact in the Tube. By the time I got out and called back he was in the hospital being seen to (and the scariest reason had been ruled out so actually it saved me the worst bit of panicking). That's the kind of call we think of as an emergency but actually, the fact that I didn't get it for an hour... nothing bad happened. I wasn't needed for anything practical. There was no real difference getting it an hour later.

The vast majority of emergency calls will be like that.

You should never, ever expect that anyone will be able to take your call and respond to you with any immediacy.

I take it you don't have kids then? Because in response to your last sentence, parents should absolutely respond with immediacy. It's nice for you that you've only experienced one true emergency, and it was to your benefit that no one got hold you immediately, but I can't imagine it'd have gone down well with nursery when they rang an ambulance for my toddler, who was having a seizure, if they couldn't get hold of me because my phone was on silent for no good reason than I prefer it that way and emergencies are rare. It's an abdication of responsibility. If you don't have anyone dependent on you then fine, but having your phone on silent and only looking at it as an when you choose is a luxury a lot of people don't have.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 09:15

WhereIsMyJumper · 21/04/2025 08:59

If there’s one thing I detest, it’s other people believing they have a right to police my phone use. It is for my convenience, not yours.

Mine is on silent all the time. That’s my choice. If I don’t want to be contactable, I won’t be.

If you have young children, would you refuse to give your number as an emergency contact for nursery/school?

OP's DH has a policy of never answering his phone by putting it on silent and never checking and phoning back. He has missed his small child being rushed to hospital but didn't seem to care. It seems to be a foolproof way of evading his responsibilities to his children.

It's his choice but it makes him a crap father.

gannett · 21/04/2025 09:44

SideshowBobster · 21/04/2025 09:15

I take it you don't have kids then? Because in response to your last sentence, parents should absolutely respond with immediacy. It's nice for you that you've only experienced one true emergency, and it was to your benefit that no one got hold you immediately, but I can't imagine it'd have gone down well with nursery when they rang an ambulance for my toddler, who was having a seizure, if they couldn't get hold of me because my phone was on silent for no good reason than I prefer it that way and emergencies are rare. It's an abdication of responsibility. If you don't have anyone dependent on you then fine, but having your phone on silent and only looking at it as an when you choose is a luxury a lot of people don't have.

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Amazing that anyone was able to be a parent at all before, what was it, 2010 when smart phones really became the default?

What would have happened if you were in the Tube or in a meeting or otherwise unavailable?

Ineffable23 · 21/04/2025 10:12

gannett · 21/04/2025 09:44

Amazing that anyone was able to be a parent at all before, what was it, 2010 when smart phones really became the default?

What would have happened if you were in the Tube or in a meeting or otherwise unavailable?

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Well, pre 2010, people had office numbers and you also had the number for the main switchboard and if something urgent happened you rang and explained and then someone went got the person in question out of the meeting.

Yes, being in the tube still exists but that hasn't and doesn't apply to the majority of people's days - unless they're a tube driver, in which case I would expect you'd still have contact details for the work switchboard.

I think it's the disappearance of landlines combined with the fact that people still expect to be able to treat a mobile as they did when landlines were still a regular occurrence that causes the issues here.

SideshowBobster · 21/04/2025 10:17

gannett · 21/04/2025 09:44

Amazing that anyone was able to be a parent at all before, what was it, 2010 when smart phones really became the default?

What would have happened if you were in the Tube or in a meeting or otherwise unavailable?

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I agree, things were different in the past but the world we live in today, for better or worse, has the technology of the present and it has come to be expected in certain circumstances, such as the ones I've outlined above, to be reachable. As I said, I imagine anyone taking care of my kids would take a dim view of not being able to contact me in an emergency simply because I prefer to have my phone on silent. As the OP said, it isn't a case of her DH being in a meeting, it's a 24/7 thing. To answer your question, there is world outside London and I don't use the tube. My job doesn't involve meetings so I can't answer that one, and unless you define "otherwise unavailable" I couldn't say.

TY78910 · 21/04/2025 10:21

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 20/04/2025 21:50

I encourage no phone time at home for us both but this is every single second of every day. 🥴 my phone is on silent or vibrate when I'm at work but I always check it intermittently. He just falls off the face of the earth every day. 🤣

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Get him a smartwatch. My phone is permanently on silent and a nightmare when I drop it down the sofa and not wearing my smartwatch, but usually it taps me on the wrist when there’s a message / call. Birthday present idea?

Edenmum2 · 21/04/2025 10:24

If he gets a smartwatch then it vibrates when you get a call/text. My phone is always on silent but I know when someone is ringing. is this is option?

Divebar2021 · 21/04/2025 10:25

Well pre 2010 people also had landlines that they weren’t afraid to answer.

This reminds me of my PIL who used to carry a mobile phone but was switched off unless they wanted to make a call ( because it was just for emergencies). They only imagined the emergency at their end they didn’t imagine that other people might have an emergency and need to speak to them urgently. When MIL was dying we had a phone call to say that we needed to get to the hospital immediately- imagine missing that because you don’t like the noise of a phone? Imagine missing the call that there had been an accident and a relative was in hospital?

Here4thechocs · 21/04/2025 10:29

Me 🙋‍♀️. I couldn’t tell you what my phone sounds like. It’s always silenced. I however always have my watch on so I never miss important messages or calls. I just dislike the sounds of phones ringing.

Original poster

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 21/04/2025 11:02

TY78910 · 21/04/2025 10:21

Get him a smartwatch. My phone is permanently on silent and a nightmare when I drop it down the sofa and not wearing my smartwatch, but usually it taps me on the wrist when there’s a message / call. Birthday present idea?

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I bought him one for his birthday last year which he asked for. Said watch has been sat on the fireplace for the last month untouched.

OP posts:

Original poster

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 21/04/2025 11:03

Edenmum2 · 21/04/2025 10:24

If he gets a smartwatch then it vibrates when you get a call/text. My phone is always on silent but I know when someone is ringing. is this is option?

I bought him one for his birthday last year which he asked for. Said watch has been sat on the fireplace for the last month untouched.

OP posts:

Original poster

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 21/04/2025 11:05

Divebar2021 · 21/04/2025 10:25

Well pre 2010 people also had landlines that they weren’t afraid to answer.

This reminds me of my PIL who used to carry a mobile phone but was switched off unless they wanted to make a call ( because it was just for emergencies). They only imagined the emergency at their end they didn’t imagine that other people might have an emergency and need to speak to them urgently. When MIL was dying we had a phone call to say that we needed to get to the hospital immediately- imagine missing that because you don’t like the noise of a phone? Imagine missing the call that there had been an accident and a relative was in hospital?

Exactly this. I said further up that I'd like something semi serious to happen and when he asks when I didn't contact him I would explain why. He would be so hurt. I don't want to hurt him. He's such a wonderful person and like all of us we have our flaws but this is really frustrating.

Our 1 year old was rushed to the hospital with complications from pneumonia and I rang my friend as she works with him and I knew she would answer. He was mortified and promised he would make more of an effort.

OP posts:

gannett · 21/04/2025 11:07

SideshowBobster · 21/04/2025 10:17

I agree, things were different in the past but the world we live in today, for better or worse, has the technology of the present and it has come to be expected in certain circumstances, such as the ones I've outlined above, to be reachable. As I said, I imagine anyone taking care of my kids would take a dim view of not being able to contact me in an emergency simply because I prefer to have my phone on silent. As the OP said, it isn't a case of her DH being in a meeting, it's a 24/7 thing. To answer your question, there is world outside London and I don't use the tube. My job doesn't involve meetings so I can't answer that one, and unless you define "otherwise unavailable" I couldn't say.

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On a flight. On a hike up a mountain. Somewhere with dodgy signal (or no signal). Playing sport. Doing a job where you can't break off what you're doing. In a crowded bar or at a party or other social event where you might not be able to hear your phone or have a conversation and where it would be rude to keep checking it. Having a nap.

I consider myself unavailable for phone calls for the majority of my day tbh. Which is why I have it on silent and don't check it. Other people can be as unimpressed as they like - I consider the expectation that anyone is available when you snap your fingers to be even less impressive.

Itiswhysofew · 21/04/2025 11:10

I don't even know where my mobile is at the moment.

gannett · 21/04/2025 11:10

Divebar2021 · 21/04/2025 10:25

Well pre 2010 people also had landlines that they weren’t afraid to answer.

This reminds me of my PIL who used to carry a mobile phone but was switched off unless they wanted to make a call ( because it was just for emergencies). They only imagined the emergency at their end they didn’t imagine that other people might have an emergency and need to speak to them urgently. When MIL was dying we had a phone call to say that we needed to get to the hospital immediately- imagine missing that because you don’t like the noise of a phone? Imagine missing the call that there had been an accident and a relative was in hospital?

I've missed that call. I got it an hour later and everything was fine (as fine as it could be with DP in hospital but you know what I mean).

How many of those calls do you even get in one lifetime anyway? I don't go through life expecting genuinely urgent emergencies at any stage.

ClaredeBear · 21/04/2025 11:11

It’s the other way around with us as my phone is always on silent but recently I changed settings so that if certain people phone me, the phone will audibly ring.

Original poster

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 21/04/2025 11:18

gannett · 21/04/2025 11:07

On a flight. On a hike up a mountain. Somewhere with dodgy signal (or no signal). Playing sport. Doing a job where you can't break off what you're doing. In a crowded bar or at a party or other social event where you might not be able to hear your phone or have a conversation and where it would be rude to keep checking it. Having a nap.

I consider myself unavailable for phone calls for the majority of my day tbh. Which is why I have it on silent and don't check it. Other people can be as unimpressed as they like - I consider the expectation that anyone is available when you snap your fingers to be even less impressive.

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Yes I appreciate this totally. I would know when he's on a hike or on a plane. I'm talking day to day annoyance.

I don't expect him to be sat with his phone in his hand waiting for my call but what I do expect is to find the time throughout his day to check sporadically.

It's quite obvious he's not a phone person and not a social media person and that's fine, I wish I was similar but no contact throughout the day or at least returning any calls at any point personally I find a bit poor.

We have small children, family trying to reach him.

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Ohnobackagain · 21/04/2025 11:27

@Couldntthinkofausername24 definitely would push back on passing on texts and messages to him, you’re not his answering service!

TheMimsy · 21/04/2025 11:36

@Couldntthinkofausername24 i agree with @Ohnobackagain - stop being his message PA.

Would the inconvenience of his own family and friends not being able to contact him possibly make him step up?

By accepting the role of phone PA you make it easier for him to not need his phone.

give his family and friends his work number and email address. They can contact him that way.

Treat this like you would a child - they have to learn the consequences of their actions.

And ask him to put the watch in rather than waste the money it cost to get it.

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2025 11:38

Take it off silent.

Sahara123 · 21/04/2025 11:39

AnonKat · 20/04/2025 21:51

Mine is always on silent unless I'm expecting a call like my GP. I hate phone noise!

Me too ! I hate the constant pinging and buzzing. If he’s in the house can’t you just go and talk to him? If my husband is at work I wouldn’t contact him anyway , unless it was a proper emergency.

Laserwho · 21/04/2025 11:46

When my teens aren't at home I have my phone turned on and with me all the time ago n case they need me. When they are at home with me I don't know where my phone is half the time.

Hastentoadd · 21/04/2025 11:49

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 21/04/2025 11:05

Exactly this. I said further up that I'd like something semi serious to happen and when he asks when I didn't contact him I would explain why. He would be so hurt. I don't want to hurt him. He's such a wonderful person and like all of us we have our flaws but this is really frustrating.

Our 1 year old was rushed to the hospital with complications from pneumonia and I rang my friend as she works with him and I knew she would answer. He was mortified and promised he would make more of an effort.

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He was mortified and promised he would make more of an effort.

So, why hasn’t he?