Leaving husband

[Flyinghigh27]

I've been married for nearly 27 yrs.. i am 45 and hubby is 50 with 3 grown up children. Ever since we have been together he told me I cudnt go out with friends ... but he cud always go out with his friends. We always do everything together. He has a fetish with satin/shiny/latex clothes and will only have sex with me if I'm wearing this type of clothes with stocking. He thinks I shud always be dressed up in skirts and nice tops with my hair and make-up done which I don't always feel comfortable. He likes to watch porn and look at pictures of woman dressed the way he likes and this has always made me self-conscious and also that I'm not good enough. I recently started chatting/sexting a man at work who is 10 yrs older than me and he makes me feel absolutely amazing, he tells me I shud be myself and we recently have kissed and a couple of other things and we have actually fallen in love. He is also not happy with his marriage. I have not been happy in my marriage for a very long time but this man has brought something out in me which I really like. We are both planning on leaving our current partners.
I am being completely mad or shud I just put up with wot I've got.

Op I have to agree that you need to leave your husband. Set up by yourself. Learn to live as a single, free independent woman for their time in your adult life. And IF this relationship with the OM is worth having, make sure it ONLY happens once he has himself ended his marriage. You’ll do yourself no favours by entering into a relationship with all the drama that involves, if he is still married. Develop some boundaries. Possibly consider counselling as it sounds like your self esteem has taken a bashing.

one thing I’m concerned about though is your assertion that you and your husband are not financially tied? You ARE. By virtue of the fact that you are, and have been married for a very long time - especially as you’re in a council house. I’d be seeking some legal advice before you take the plunge, to get your ducks in a row so you know where you stand. Good luck.

As it is a council place I think that your first port of call should be them. Explain the situation and ask them to spell out what you can do, what help they can offer etc.

Who earns the most? Do you have any debts on either side or savings on either side? Then you need legal advice. Get together as much information as you can regarding your and his pensions and earnings (pensions are considered an asset of the marriage to be divided if required) and write a list of questions in advance so you make the most of your appointment. Dont go for the cheapest solicitor, it can be a false economy. Try and get personal recommendations if you can from other women who have been divorced.

Good luck.

Following on from my original post, I have decided to cut contact with this other man but while we was talking he made me realise that my marriage is definitely not want I want anymore. I haven't spoken to him in over 4 weeks and I actually feel better in myself and I do actually think I need to be by myself. He actually showed me that I am worth more than what my husband gives me. My question is how daunting is it actually leaving everything u know behind wen u decide to leave.

OP 15 years ago I left my ex. I still remember the relief I felt when I walked through the door of my new flat, a new life without him in it.

It is daunting OP, but remember, you're not the same girl you were at 17, you're now a grown woman with lots of life experience. Presumably you take some part in paying the bills where you live? You know what it takes to run a home, how to cook, how to do your washing and ironing (if you bother with that, I know lots don't). You probably know how to organise a holiday, and what to do and say if you go to a pub, restaurant or hotel. I presume you know how to budget, to make sure that you don't run out of money for food by the end of the month? None of this will be different, other than the fact that you won't have to worry about this horrible man you're married to, looking over your shoulder waiting to criticise whatever you choose to do. I imagine your kids will come and visit, and you can visit them. Do you have any friends that you could invite to your new place to visit, for a meal or a few drinks, if so, then you'll be able to do that without him objecting or complaining in any way? Do you have any hobbies currently? If not, you will have the free time to try out new things, go swimming or to the gym, join a book club, take a night class, absolutely ANYTHING that YOU would like to do, with no one to have to rush back and cook a meal for. If you want to have sex with a stranger, you can do that too, but only if YOU want to.

So basically, life will be much the same as it is now, but with the freedom to explore new things, and without all of the misery that goes with sharing your life with someone who criticises and dictates what you wear, etc. Most women in this position, find themselves wishing that they'd had the courage to leave years ago, but it's not until you're in that position that you are able to visualise this.

I say go for it! You CAN do it, and if you struggle with anything, you can always turn to MN! 😁

I basically do everything in the house as it is ... the only bill I dont pay is the Internet, he pays that....so i know I can pretty much pay for everything and budget aswell. I literally organise everything anyway but it was only ever me and the kids that went away and that was only ever to visit family. I have also recently changed jobs and now do nightshift but he acts as thou he is the only one with a full-time job and still doesn't lift a finger to help ( he will wash the dishes after dinner on the nights I work ) and thats about it.
I think the only thing im worried about now is how do I tell him .... I want all of my stuff sorted before I leave because I know that if I dont do this he will not let me back in the house to get anything. I also want to set myself a deadline for wen to go so that I dont chicken out.

Are you scared of his reaction when you tell him OP? If so, then you may find it easier to move out on a day when he's not around OP, and just leave him a letter, perhaps you could book a day's holiday when you know he'll be at work and do it then? Do you have anywhere at work where you can take important papers and keep them there until after you've moved out? Do you perhaps have a friend who would be willing to store a few clothes for you? My friend did this, she kept putting a few clothes in a bag and popping them in her car, then would drop them off at her sisters, so gradually it got to a point where she didn't have quite so much to have to move. Maybe, depending on how many clothes you have, you could fill a couple of bin bags, and when/if he asks you what you're doing, you can just say you've had a good clear out, and are taking stuff you don't wear anymore to the charity shop.

You say you have grown children, is it likely that one of them would be willing to be there when you tell him, or would be willing to collect things after you've moved out, if you think he won't let you move back in?

How long do you think you will need to get yourself ready OP? Could you perhaps set yourself a target of say 3 months, and then aim for that?

Do you have somewhere in mind to go? If not, start looking, start getting stuff out of the house, particularly the paperwork that you will need. Get some legal advice, at which point you could check what help might be available to you, if he refuses to let you back in to get anything that may have been left behind. Also, if one of your kids would be prepared to help out, you could make sure they have a key to the property, so that they could collect things if needs be. If money's an issue, you could try Citizen's Advice, or look for a free 1/2 hour with a solicitor, but make sure you make a list of the things you want to know, before you go, so that you can make the most of the time.

You CAN do this OP!!

I always wonder with these situations why the person hadn’t already left if the marriage was that bad. I’d far rather someone left me for that reason than stayed and strung me along while they test-drove my replacement.…

Sorry that sounds mean, but so many people seem to justify their cheating with stories about how awful their partner was.

Im not leaving him for someone else now ... I have cut complete contact with the other man ( he has already left his wife and not for us to be together). But i do think speaking to him helped me make my decision clearer and that i should of left a while ago.

That all sounds very sensible. And I hope it works out for you whether you end up back with the other guy or not.

He really isn’t ‘a genuine, kind and caring man.’ As proven by the fact he’s cheating on his wife. You get that right?

100% leave your husband but you need to focus on yourself not some other disappointer.

Whatever day i decide to actually leave it will be easy enough as i will leave wen he is at work. The advice u have given about getting my stuff is very helpful, I have already started gathering important stuff like paperwork and i have also made a list of everything i want/ need. Im not bothered about material stuff like TV'S/ furniture or anything like that, it will mainly just be my paperwork and stuff that is important to me.
I also think it's the children's reaction that im worried about, i know they are grown up and understand the way the world works but it still worries me.
Ive a date in mind wen I want to be gone by so if im doing it I need to get my arse into gear now.
Thank u so much for ur advice it is extremely helpful.

He has already left his wife and it wasn't for me .. I think there was other problems but because I dont speak to him anymore I wouldn't know why.
But ur right I am concentrating on myself and being on my own... I need to believe in myself and build up my self-confidence again.

Good luck for the future OP.

OP I can see things have moved on from your initial post. I agree with others that the new man isn't the answer.

Is your current house mortgaged or rented? If it's mortgaged get some legal advice!

I'd also advise you reach out to women's aid. He is abusive op. Be safe.

No the house is a council house so i know I will have too go speak to them.
I have already been in contact with estate agents to look at rental properties.

I'm glad my suggestions were useful OP.

I doubt very much whether all those years have gone by without your kids being aware of the tensions between you. Unless you want to go into specifics, then I would just tell them that you've outgrown each other, you got together when you were very young, and thought at that age that you'd be together for ever, but sadly you've grew apart a long time ago, but stayed together because you didn't want to subject them to a broken family, but now is YOUR time before you get too old, and they simply have to understand that. This actually happened to me, I married at 17 but by the time we'd reached our 30's we'd grown into the adults that we were meant to be, and had different hopes and wishes for the future, but put up with things for the kids, until they left home. If they give you any grief, ask them if they would want to be stuck in a marriage which made them very unhappy, and if so, why?

Can I ask what the date is that you've set yourself OP, or is that too much a case of writing it in stone?

I'm glad to hear that the other man DID leave his wife, as if you do decide at any point to get together again, you won't have to worry about whether he will or wether he won't.

Sent u a private message

Of course if that's what turns him on then you should oblige