Leaving husband

[Flyinghigh27]

I've been married for nearly 27 yrs.. i am 45 and hubby is 50 with 3 grown up children. Ever since we have been together he told me I cudnt go out with friends ... but he cud always go out with his friends. We always do everything together. He has a fetish with satin/shiny/latex clothes and will only have sex with me if I'm wearing this type of clothes with stocking. He thinks I shud always be dressed up in skirts and nice tops with my hair and make-up done which I don't always feel comfortable. He likes to watch porn and look at pictures of woman dressed the way he likes and this has always made me self-conscious and also that I'm not good enough. I recently started chatting/sexting a man at work who is 10 yrs older than me and he makes me feel absolutely amazing, he tells me I shud be myself and we recently have kissed and a couple of other things and we have actually fallen in love. He is also not happy with his marriage. I have not been happy in my marriage for a very long time but this man has brought something out in me which I really like. We are both planning on leaving our current partners.
I am being completely mad or shud I just put up with wot I've got.

Could you be any more smug and patronising?
The op can ask for advice when and how she likes, you can always leave the thread.
Not everyone finds writing easy.

@Flyinghigh27 do be careful and don't rely on the other man.

Ah right yes. He's lying to his wife but only tells op the truth, got it.

Agree with the other posts. You don’t KNOW he’s 100% genuine - you only know what he’s told you. How he acts is more important.

He tells you he’s unhappy, so why hasn’t he left his wife yet?

OP, your husband sounds awful and you should definitely make moves to split.

However this new guy sounds like bad news as well. You say he is 'genuine', yet he is lying to his wife. You say you both 'couldn't help it' - of course you could! You made an active decision to cheat on your husband. I would put absolutely no faith in the fact that this guy has promised that things will work out, he is a proven liar.
I know a couple of relationships that started as affairs, they both ended that was as well.

The ripples caused by leaving a marriage for a relationship with a man who is also currently married will affect every part of your life for the rest of your life. Every Christmas, every family event, every wedding of people you and your soon to be ex spouses know will be a pain in the backside. Your husband sounds vile. Leave him by all means, but set up an independent life for yourself . You have no guarantee that this man will be the man you think he is when the tedium of everyday life sets in . You have no guarantee that he will actually leave his wife. And , most importantly you have no guarantee that the reaction of his adult children to his leaving will not make him feel so appalling that he will go straight back in order to preserve his contact with them and any grandchildren ( my BIL did exactly this after just 3 weeks ).

Well of course you should ltb! He's terrible and you deserve better

But I'd be taking everything this guy had told me with a pinch of salt, sorry

Make your own plans to leave and be alone, and see what he's decides to do

F

Well you should leave but I wouldn’t necessarily leave for this new man. They all show their best side to start with. Make a new life for yourself and get to know new guy. You know the expression out of the frying pan and into the fire. Never rely totally on a man for your happiness. Your husband sounds strange though and I am amazed you have put up with his insistence on you dressing up for him.

My former MIL had an affair ( 2 years) with a married man. He'd been married for 50 years but had organised a brand new life before dropping his wife off at the hairdresser( for her regular wash and set,) and running off to a rented house in a new area,new job, house fully furnished from auction houses in the month before etc etc with MIL. His wife ( aged 70 ,as was he) had a nervous breakdown. My MIL always went on and on about how perfect he was and how happy they were . The thing is that neither of them ever trusted the other. If the person you are with can leave their wife of many years with such ease, then there is nothing they won't do to you. If they ran out of milk they both went to the shop. They had one car. He dropped her off at a set time and picked her up at a set time. No deviation ( no surprise meeting/ needing to pop into town alone) was ever allowed. Its not the romantic wonderland you think it will be. It's always very grubby

OP, can you actually afford to set up on YOUR OWN?

Would you leave your husband, if this man wasn't on the scene, as it seems very unlikely, bearing in mind how long you've been with him, and the things you've put up with?

Ask yourself how you feel about setting up a new home on your own, and how you will cope if your husband gets nasty.

I think in these circumstances, I would want the new man to leave his wife first, and set up his own place, so that he can prove his commitment to you, if you are convinced that he is totally genuine. If he does this, please don't make the mistake of moving in with him, unless you know for sure that you can afford to run a home alone, because as other posters have tried to warn you, things might seem perfect now, but with an upset and angry wife, perhaps begging him to come home, and an angry and aggressive husband, likely threatening all sorts of damage to you both, things might suddenly change. He may feel guilty and go back to her, or you might start arguing, because one or other of your ex's cause aggro, you may even find that he has disgusting habits that you find you simply can't live with, so you DO need to be prepared to live alone both financially, and mentally, before you take the plunge into this relationship long term.

However, having said all this, in your shoes I would DEFINITELY leave your husband, as he clearly doesn't treat you well, and you DESERVE BETTER!

And never underestimate the enormous, and toxic , pressure of being in a new relationship( that began with the destruction of your previous lives) that absolutely cannot be allowed to fail . You'll both have blown up your existing lives when you don't know each other as proper partners.Youve presumably not even spent a week alone together or slept all night in the same bed. Leave your husband, but not for another man

Well, he’s hardly going to say otherwise, is he?

what happens when your husband manipulates your children and they refuse to speak to you?

You can't help your feelings but you can help having an affair.

Leave your husband he sounds awful but I wouldn't rely on this other man being around.

Update...
Since my original post I have stopped speaking to this other man(which he is fine with wen I explained why). Putting aside my husbands sexual preferences with the clothes and stuff I have tried to see if my marriage can work, but since I cut contact with the other man I have noticed that my husband constantly remarks on my weight and figure, if I don't reply to him in a certain manner he accuses me of talking to him like shit, which I don't. Yesterday wen he was out i realised that we didn't have any rice for the dinner, so I jumped in the car to go to the shop(he was out on his motorbike). I wasn't home wen he got back, I got back about 5 minutes after him and straight away he was questioning where I had been and why even thou I told him I popped to shop to get rice. He made me feel like I had done something wrong or that I shud of waited for him to come back. I don't know if I'm trying to find things that are annoying me or if they are just now being really highlighted because of the way I'm feeling. Sometimes wen I'm feeling like crap about my marriage he doesn't even realise that I'm upset. He's quite happy to just sit on his computer downloading porn or playing stupid games. This other man is quite happy to have no contact at the moment while I try to figure out if my marriage is worth fighting for, I have seen him a couple of times at work and we only ever say hello to each other but even this does actually make me feel so happy and wanted, he has told me to do whatever makes me happy and that he will be there for me when I need him. Why do relationships and feelings have to be so complicated?

Why do you need to figure out if your marriage is worth fighting for? It’s blindingly obvious that it’s not.

I have thought that it is over but then I think should I just stay put and accept that this is the way my life will be or do I take the plunge and leave and be happy( whether it be on my own). A friend said to me that I'm still young and do i really want this for the rest of my life and when I think about it like that, I realise that I don't want this. I just know it's going to be so hard and I think I'm also just trying to figure out the best way to do it .

Of course your marriage isn't worth fighting for. Your husband is a controlling dickhead. The answer to your problems is to leave your husband, NOT to jump straight into a new relationship with a married man you've been 'sexting'. Why on earth you'd believe him when he assures you that 'everything will work out' is beyond me. Even if he thinks he means it, nobody can ever guarantee that everything will work out, especially before a proper relationship has even started!

No, you should not stay put and accept this is the way your life will be. Your friend is correct. It doesn’t matter that it will be hard.

GreenCandleWax ... I have taken ur advise and dialled it back with this other man, no contact apart from the occasional hello at work, we had one conversation where I told him that I need to get my head straight first and he said that he is happy to wait for me. I'm coming to realise that I shouldn't have to put up with my life like this if it makes me unhappy(which it does). I'm now just thinking about how and when do I leave and then telling my children(all 3 grown adults).

Your dh sounds exactly like my ex dh. I also met someone who made me realise that there was a better life out there and this wasn’t what a loving relationship looked like.

I left my ex, the relationship with the other man didn’t last long, but it was because I didn’t leave for him, I left for me. After 10+ years of being financially, emotionally and sexually abused it was like a whole new world for me to explore

Oh well, if he REASSURED you, that's different. 🤔I wonder what reassurances he's been giving his wife lately? She's probably noticed he's acting a bit strange / different. But he'll be reassuring her. Wonder if she's buying it?

How has it worked out so far, placing so much weight on what a man tells you? I mean, you're with a man who tells you when you "can't" go out, ffs. Wise up.

Whether you leave and whether you continue to see this other man need to be treated as two completely separate issues. If you're leaving, leave alone - for yourself. You need to be able to support yourself alone, and live alone. Don't fall straight into being financially or emotionally dependent on one man just to escape another.

If you're leaving, do it by yourself, get your new life and home sorted out, and THEN you'll be able to approach this other relationship (or any other future ones) with a clear head and be sure you're only getting into it for the right reasons.

Your husband sounds awful, and whatever being single looks like, it would be better than existing alongside this inadequate sexually deviant bully. I would not be surprised if your children were all absolutely delighted.

In 40 years ish you will be dead and buried in the ground. That's it, life is over. If you want to stick with this 'man' for another 40 years ~ go for it.

I am looking at your age and your marriage length and I am guessing that this man you married is all you have ever known?

Going to take a leap and ask.....did you marry him so young in order to escape a crappy home situation? I am only a little bit older than you and to marry at 18/19 was unusual then, so I cant help wondering.

He is an abusive arse and yes you should leave. You did the right thing by backing off from your friend.

What is your financial and housing situation?

I have been with him since I was 17 years old, my first proper love, my home life was good so it wasn't to escape that. I thought we would be happy together forever but I think as I have got older everything is changing, like my feelings and I am definitely not the same person I was when I was 17. I have a job so money wise I'm fine, we live in a council house so no issue there. Financially we are not tied to each other if that makes sense.