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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to see past this?

47 replies

PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 15:50

When I was in my mid twenties and still living with my mum, she moved in her boyfriend from overseas who she had only met a handful of times and married him abroad so he could get a visa.

She ignored my protests of him moving in and once here, I was basically ignored by both of them, but especially him. I moved out ASAP. He's barely had a conversation with me in the 15+ years he's been here, despite me being more than pleasant and trying hard to get to know him. She defends him to the hilt and makes me out to be a trouble causer when I bring up how he never makes the effort with me.

AIBU to bear this grudge even now? I think I need therapy to get over my mum being shit.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 20/04/2025 15:54

You were an adult when they got together. It would be nice and polite of him to make an effort but it's not mandatory. I think you need to let it go, just accept he isn't interested in you. That doesn't make your mum shit, she probably rightly thinks that you are overreacting. Why does it bother you so much that he doesn't make an effort with you?

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 15:57

JLou08 · 20/04/2025 15:54

You were an adult when they got together. It would be nice and polite of him to make an effort but it's not mandatory. I think you need to let it go, just accept he isn't interested in you. That doesn't make your mum shit, she probably rightly thinks that you are overreacting. Why does it bother you so much that he doesn't make an effort with you?

Because it's just respectful. I'm totally ignored or talked over if we're together with my mum. If I ignored his family, there'd be words had with me.

OP posts:
PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 16:01

PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 15:57

Because it's just respectful. I'm totally ignored or talked over if we're together with my mum. If I ignored his family, there'd be words had with me.

Show quote history

But how often do you encounter his family, who presumably live in another country?

I agree with @JLou08 — if you were in your mid-20s when she married, it really wasn’t up to you what she did, or who she had living in her house. Moving out was the right thing to do.

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:03

PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 16:01

But how often do you encounter his family, who presumably live in another country?

I agree with @JLou08 — if you were in your mid-20s when she married, it really wasn’t up to you what she did, or who she had living in her house. Moving out was the right thing to do.

Show quote history

I just feel like he's been a complete dick at times too and no matter what I bring up about him, she defends him to the hilt and I'm the bad one for saying anything against him.

OP posts:
milleniumstar · 20/04/2025 16:06

Well I think your mum sounds horrible but loads here will defend shitty behaviour

PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 16:12

PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:03

I just feel like he's been a complete dick at times too and no matter what I bring up about him, she defends him to the hilt and I'm the bad one for saying anything against him.

Show quote history

Honestly, OP, while obviously we’d prefer if our divorced and windowed parents remarried people we liked and got along with, it doesn’t always happen, especially when we look at their choice with adult eyes, and unless you have serious concerns about your mother’s husband’s behaviour (eg is he abusive towards her?), I don’t know why you would continually ‘bring things up about him’ to your mother. She married him and presumably loves him. Of course she’s going to defend him. It will only sow discord between you and your mother.

I mean, what outcome are you looking for here?

junebugalice · 20/04/2025 16:24

You’re not BU to hold a grudge in the situation you outline, I’m guessing this isn’t the first time your mother has made you feel this way? Putting others ahead of you? Taking the sides/viewpoints/opinions of others and rarely, if ever, yours? You also say your mother is shit, was she always shit or is it just since her marriage? I would strongly recommend therapy to get a handle on your feelings, you’re entitled to feel how you feel and you deserve to get those thoughts and feelings out. I’ve spent a number of years in therapy dealing with issues from my childhood and my relationship with my parents, I found it invaluable and I would strongly recommend it.

regista · 20/04/2025 16:26

From what you say, she puts him first and makes excuses for his poor behaviour. It's sad when adults do this to their grown children but it happens. I wouldn't frame it as a grudge if I were you. As hurtful as it is, your mum has made her choice, she's an adult, that is her prerogative, just like if you married someone that didn't like your mum. Hurtful as it was, although it was your home, at 25 you were an adult when she married, it was time for you to fly the nest.

Approach this as an adult. It's okay not to feel great about your mum favouring a new partner. You can't change her or him, but you can change you, try and give less fucks about it. Drop the rope and avoid argument. If that means you are less involved, and are challenged on it, just say something short and to the point - e.g. 'you know X and I don't get on/I feel uncomfortable because X never speaks to me, let's leave it at that'. Then don't engage further.

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:30

PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 16:12

Honestly, OP, while obviously we’d prefer if our divorced and windowed parents remarried people we liked and got along with, it doesn’t always happen, especially when we look at their choice with adult eyes, and unless you have serious concerns about your mother’s husband’s behaviour (eg is he abusive towards her?), I don’t know why you would continually ‘bring things up about him’ to your mother. She married him and presumably loves him. Of course she’s going to defend him. It will only sow discord between you and your mother.

I mean, what outcome are you looking for here?

Show quote history

There's been plenty of times over the years she's behaved appallingly. I'd rather she never spoke to me again to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:35

PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 16:12

Honestly, OP, while obviously we’d prefer if our divorced and windowed parents remarried people we liked and got along with, it doesn’t always happen, especially when we look at their choice with adult eyes, and unless you have serious concerns about your mother’s husband’s behaviour (eg is he abusive towards her?), I don’t know why you would continually ‘bring things up about him’ to your mother. She married him and presumably loves him. Of course she’s going to defend him. It will only sow discord between you and your mother.

I mean, what outcome are you looking for here?

Show quote history

I'm looking for her to admit he's an ignorant twat to me and that his only words to me are ever negative, ie him telling me I won't achieve something. He never asks how I am, how a holiday has been, etc. Ever!

OP posts:
Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:36

regista · 20/04/2025 16:26

From what you say, she puts him first and makes excuses for his poor behaviour. It's sad when adults do this to their grown children but it happens. I wouldn't frame it as a grudge if I were you. As hurtful as it is, your mum has made her choice, she's an adult, that is her prerogative, just like if you married someone that didn't like your mum. Hurtful as it was, although it was your home, at 25 you were an adult when she married, it was time for you to fly the nest.

Approach this as an adult. It's okay not to feel great about your mum favouring a new partner. You can't change her or him, but you can change you, try and give less fucks about it. Drop the rope and avoid argument. If that means you are less involved, and are challenged on it, just say something short and to the point - e.g. 'you know X and I don't get on/I feel uncomfortable because X never speaks to me, let's leave it at that'. Then don't engage further.

She does favour him, every single time, and that's hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:37

There was a time when she even gave my stuff to his family. Electronics. I was totally bullied into giving them these things because they were poor.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 20/04/2025 16:40

That sounds really shit , particularly of your mum to disregard how you have been treated.

I don’t blame you at all OP . You can’t control how he acts only how you respond. Be polite so k pone can say otherwise but don’t make an effort any more it’s pointless. Perhaps try and see your mum alone .

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:42

I've tried cutting her out of my life before a few times but she always comes back with 'life is too short' after a few weeks. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. It's the preferential treatment of him too. I was so poorly recently and I asked if she could come round. I live alone and had been unwell for 8 weeks. She refused. She lives near. If he was poorly, she'd be feeling 'so sorry for him' (her favourite phrase when it comes to him). She then did pop round just as I was starting to feel better. She came in for two minutes. I asked her to stay for a brew but she wouldn't because they had the shopping in the car and he can't put it away. He doesn't do anything actually. She refuses to go out of her way for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:43

olympicsrock · 20/04/2025 16:40

That sounds really shit , particularly of your mum to disregard how you have been treated.

I don’t blame you at all OP . You can’t control how he acts only how you respond. Be polite so k pone can say otherwise but don’t make an effort any more it’s pointless. Perhaps try and see your mum alone .

I've fallen out with her again. Anything negative I bring up about them or him, she gets very angry.

OP posts:
Hastentoadd · 20/04/2025 16:51

PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:43

I've fallen out with her again. Anything negative I bring up about them or him, she gets very angry.

Show quote history

Just stay out of their relationship, they have been together quite a long time now so you need to accept that it is the way it is, can you not see your mother on your own sometimes?

financialcareerstuff · 20/04/2025 16:58

Sorry OP, but you clearly hate him and are very jealous of him and are constantly saying horrid things about him….. so it makes perfect sense to me that he would ignore you or take as little to do with you as possible.

you were mid twenties when he came on the scene. Your mum has every right to move on and be with someone of her choosing, and it sounds like you have responded bitterly and been the opposite of happy for her…..

You haven’t said one objective thing about this guy that sounds like a truly good reason to dislike him. Ie you are not expressing concern for your mum that she’s unhappy, abused or mistreated…. Just bitterness that you are being ignored and needing to share your toys with his poorer family?

Either your mum was never a very good, attentive mum…. Or she was and your reaction to this guy arriving has been so jealous it’s made her really angry and she doesn’t want to appease you?

I’m really sorry if it’s the former, but unless there is a huge drip feed, about what’s actually wrong with this guy, I think your ire is directed wrongly.

if you want to be closer to your mum, then put yourself in her shoes and ask what she might want. Stopping moaning about her long term partner, who she clearly loves and wants to be with, sounds like a good start?!

PhilippaGeorgiou · 20/04/2025 16:59

PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 16:43

I've fallen out with her again. Anything negative I bring up about them or him, she gets very angry.

Show quote history

THen why keep criticising him and her decision. You don't like him, you never have. That's fine. Why do you then need to say anything at all? To be honest you are an independant adult, but you sound as though you are competing for her attention with him, and object to the fact that you are losing. Get on with your life, stop criticising hers.

Redpeach · 20/04/2025 17:01

They both sound awful

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 17:02

financialcareerstuff · 20/04/2025 16:58

Sorry OP, but you clearly hate him and are very jealous of him and are constantly saying horrid things about him….. so it makes perfect sense to me that he would ignore you or take as little to do with you as possible.

you were mid twenties when he came on the scene. Your mum has every right to move on and be with someone of her choosing, and it sounds like you have responded bitterly and been the opposite of happy for her…..

You haven’t said one objective thing about this guy that sounds like a truly good reason to dislike him. Ie you are not expressing concern for your mum that she’s unhappy, abused or mistreated…. Just bitterness that you are being ignored and needing to share your toys with his poorer family?

Either your mum was never a very good, attentive mum…. Or she was and your reaction to this guy arriving has been so jealous it’s made her really angry and she doesn’t want to appease you?

I’m really sorry if it’s the former, but unless there is a huge drip feed, about what’s actually wrong with this guy, I think your ire is directed wrongly.

if you want to be closer to your mum, then put yourself in her shoes and ask what she might want. Stopping moaning about her long term partner, who she clearly loves and wants to be with, sounds like a good start?!

He's lazy and arrogant. There's much more than I've wrote on this thread of why I don't like him.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 20/04/2025 17:06

If I had a pound for every poster on here who says ‘If I could just get him/her to admit…’ I could retire.
I have said it myself many times.
The thing is, and it took me a fair bit of therapy to learn this, life isn’t fair and you can’t force other people to be fair, either.
Expecting your mum or this man to ‘admit’ anything is a waste of time. They are living their lives. You are wasting your precious life reacting to the pair of them because it’s clear you won’t be treated the way you would like to be treated.
You either go no contact, or entirely change your expectations.
And in an odd way, take a leaf out of her book. Go and live a little, and make your own way in life. Do things you enjoy with people you like.❤️

BobbyBiscuits · 20/04/2025 17:06

It's perfectly reasonable for you to lament the fact you don't have a close relationship with your step dad.

But the fact he came from abroad is neither here nor there, as it's clear it wasn't simply a convenience marriage if they're still together.

I hope you can just keep your relationship with your mum as strong as possible.

Superfoodie123 · 20/04/2025 17:07

Honestly they both sound awful. She sounds like a terrible mum. People defending her saying you were grown are missing the point. I have children but wouldn't turn my back on them just because they reached an age.

PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 17:13

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 20/04/2025 17:06

If I had a pound for every poster on here who says ‘If I could just get him/her to admit…’ I could retire.
I have said it myself many times.
The thing is, and it took me a fair bit of therapy to learn this, life isn’t fair and you can’t force other people to be fair, either.
Expecting your mum or this man to ‘admit’ anything is a waste of time. They are living their lives. You are wasting your precious life reacting to the pair of them because it’s clear you won’t be treated the way you would like to be treated.
You either go no contact, or entirely change your expectations.
And in an odd way, take a leaf out of her book. Go and live a little, and make your own way in life. Do things you enjoy with people you like.❤️

Agreed.

Honestly, OP, your issue is with your mother, but either way, you’re poisoning your own life by setting up her husband as some kind of favoured rival for her affection. Surely it’s obvious that continually criticising a man she’s been married to for a decade and a half isn’t going to smooth your relationship with her — so why do it? You don’t like him, but you don’t have to like him. He’s your mother’s husband. If you’d like a better relationship with her, time to change the record, stop bitching about him, and focus on you and her. If you don’t want a relationship with her, step away. That’s your choice either way.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 20/04/2025 17:15

PinataHeeHaw · 20/04/2025 17:02

He's lazy and arrogant. There's much more than I've wrote on this thread of why I don't like him.

Show quote history

There's a lot more threads than this one though, isn't there? Bottom line - your mother is entitled to marry whoever she wants. You don't have to like him, you clearly don't, and that's fine. If you don't want a relationship with her, that is also fine. But they have been together for 18 years, so whatever you think about it, it works for them. None of your business. You were mid 20's when they married. Surely by this stage of your life, after 18 years, you can find better things to do with your life than be eaten up with hatred? It isn't going to change anything, and the only person being damaged here is you.