To not be able to see past this?

[PinataHeeHaw]

When I was in my mid twenties and still living with my mum, she moved in her boyfriend from overseas who she had only met a handful of times and married him abroad so he could get a visa.

She ignored my protests of him moving in and once here, I was basically ignored by both of them, but especially him. I moved out ASAP. He's barely had a conversation with me in the 15+ years he's been here, despite me being more than pleasant and trying hard to get to know him. She defends him to the hilt and makes me out to be a trouble causer when I bring up how he never makes the effort with me.

AIBU to bear this grudge even now? I think I need therapy to get over my mum being shit.

This. I can't believe some of the replies.

I'm sorry you've gone through this OP, whether you're an adult or not, your mum has chosen this man over you given how he's been with you. A decent man would want to know his partners family and socialise with them and make an effort. A decent mum would realise how cold he is with you and had words with him. It's difficult I know. I hope you can get some therapy for it.

Totally agree. What kind of parent forms a relationship with someone who then treats their children like rubbish? I know it’s easier said than done, but I would keep my distance and not be particularly amenable to helping out when said parents gets old.

Thank you. He's all nicey nice with the rest of the family. Just me he doesn't make an effort with. I can say hello to him or ask him something and he can completely ignore me! My mum passes it off as just his way and he ignores her too. Lovely man there then. I just know if I had kids, grown or not, and my partner didn't make an effort to at least ask how they were in their company, then that man would be history. He's been like this with me from day one.

I've fallen out with my mother yet again about it. I don't know why I hold this grudge. It's not healthy and eats me up. I suppose because my mum put someone she barely knew before me. Someone who takes no notice of me whatsoever. I may not exist to them.

You need to get to the point where this doesn't matter to you. At the moment you keep pushing for your mum to prove she loves you more than him, and she's not doing it.

I would keep your focus away from them, find people who make you happy, or spend time with friends who you know will be a laugh.

You don't have to cut them off completely, just grey rock them. You'll feel the weight of it lift quite quickly.

Does either of them work?

But you hate him, and you make it very clear that you hate him! Why on earth would he bother trying to be nice to you?

I can't believe what I just read. She has every right to be annoyed her mum favours some man she met over her when he is so rude to her. If I had a partner who made no effort with my offspring, even if they are adults, I would seriously reconsider the relationship. Any good mother would.

He's been like this from the very beginning and I make a real effort with him that's not reciprocated. I've never let on I don't like it. Maybe he can tell but I have always made an effort to be nice to him.

You were an adult. Your mum moved on with her life and rightfully so. You sound very unreasonable .Would you rather her stay single and at your beck snd call?
You moved on with your life doing what you do. She did too. He doesn't have to like you, you don't have to like him but just be civil and take that chip off your shoulder

I honestly get on with most people and have made a massive effort with him with no reciprocation.

They've been together 15+ years. No, he doesn't sound ideal but it isn't like she inflicted him on you as a child/teen and you must now be around 40.

He is her choice. He doesn't have to be yours and perhaps you need to look at ways of having a relationship with her and little contact with him, if that is what you want. Arguing with her about him all the time will achieve nothing good.

You've made it clear for years to your mum that you don't rate her husband. Whether you have right on your side or not, that's not going to change anything. He's very unlikely to start treating you any differently. It's been years now and nothing has changed; he still treats you with contempt and your mum just ignores it. Assuming this is how it's going to be for ever, you have two choices: for this to continue as it is (with his ignoring you and your mum ignoring your complaints and getting angry at your criticising him), or for you to take a step back and stop engaging with a couple who are making you stressed and annoyed.

If I were you, I'd be taking a step back and not getting involved with them. Why bother? Spend your time with people you do like and who treat you well. There's no law that says you have to go to family events if you don't want to. See your mum on her own if that works better, and just don't bring up her husband.

You're wasting your time expecting him to start being nice to you or expecting your mum to defend you. Neither of these will happen.

Look, he clearly doesn't think you're "relevant" to his situation. Why not just mirror that in your own behavior? Instead of attacking your mum, ignore him.

Agree, show him the same respect he is showing you, he probably isn’t going anywhere anytime soon as they have been together a long time

But you keep criticising him to your mother! And appear to have been doing so for over 15 years. Do you not think your mother may have mentioned your attitude to him, even if you’ve been putting on an Oscar-winning performance of niceness to his face?

Have you asked him why he is funny with you?

I think @PinataHeeHaw starts a thread, doesn't get the replies she wants and starts another one.

Stop making the effort with him then if he's rude and ignores you. I'm sorry that your mother isn't the mother you want and need her to be - that is tough to take. I think accepting that this is who she is and that she is not going to change is healthier going forward. Then you can decide what you are prepared to put up with and how much of a relationship you want to have with her. I do think some counselling will help you work through these feelings. You can't change other people, you can only control your own response.

I really feel for you. Your mum sounds emotionally inadequate. I think you’ve got every right to feel utterly let down.

She's not going to do that, because that would mean that she is in the wrong.

He sounds like a prick who is best avoided.

@PinataHeeHaw Do you have a life outside your mums marriage?
Friends/partner of your own?

You sound like a spoilt child who needs to grow up.