To think that sometimes, it’s better to just let people believe what they want about you?

[SnugShaker]

I used to feel the need to correct every misunderstanding or false assumption people had about me - whether it was at work, in friendships, or even with strangers. But lately, I’ve started to wonder: is it really worth the effort?

People will believe what they want and often, they’ve already made up their minds. Defending yourself can sometimes make you look guilty or just exhaust you for no real gain. And honestly, does it even matter what certain people think?

Of course, there are times when setting the record straight is necessary, but in many cases, I feel like it’s just wasted energy. If someone is determined to misunderstand or misjudge me, maybe it’s best to just let them.

AIBU to think that trying to change people’s minds about you is often a losing game? Or do you think it’s important to correct false assumptions when you can?

I’m not sure I’ve ever been in that kind of situation.

Do people regularly misunderstand or misrepresent you?

I don’t think it’s usual to need to constantly correct false assumptions. What kind of thing do you mean?

it depends what the false assumption is really.

Not all the time but it’s happened enough, especially in situations where people make snap judgements or assume something without context. I’ve just found that explaining yourself doesn’t always help and sometimes it invites even more assumptions.

Not constantly but enough that I’ve noticed a pattern - like people assuming I’m aloof when I’m just reserved or thinking I’m unbothered when I’m just composed. It’s more about people projecting things that aren’t really true and feeling like you have to explain yourself to be understood.

I live by the adage, what other people think of me is none of my business.

Can't get along with everyone, it's exhausting to think you can.

we would drive ourselves mad constantly striving to appear a certain way in the eyes of others. It is tempting to fight against injustice but it is also exhausting

I don't really care what people think of me so i don't feel the need to correct or otherwise

It does upset me if I'm wrongly accused of something. But whereas before I would start explaining and explaining, now I ask myself 'Why has that person jumped to such a baseless conclusion? What does it say about them? Do they deserve an explanation from me?' So I might say something succinct, followed up by i'If you don't believe me, bugger off!'

I tend to assume immediately that they're right and I'm wrong - it took nearly 5 years of therapy to try and tackle that one. The best I can do is to say that they have their own view of me and it doesn't mean mine is automatically wrong, it's just different. So I find it hard to imagine 'correcting' someone.

I don’t know if it’s better, but definitely easier. There are very few people about whose opinions I actually care about, especially at work. As long as we can keep it civil and it doesn’t interfere with my work, I don’t give a shit.

Look, either you genuinely need to change how you’re coming across to people or you’re expending far too much energy on having other people’s thoughts for them and need to stop trying to read minds.

I suppose it’s always worth remembering that in any given situation there’s very rarely any concrete truth, and everyone has their own interpretation of other people and things that happen. You think “I am X/Y/Z” (reserved/composed/etc) but that’s not necessarily an actual unmoveable fact just because you think it about yourself - it’s as much your own perception of yourself as other people’s perceptions are. If you come across as aloof to someone else it makes no difference if you think “well I am NOT aloof” - who cares? The aim of any social situation isn’t to establish who’s right or wrong, if you came across as aloof to them then to all intents and purposes that’s what you are whether you think it’s right or not.

Think about a time when someone has maybe seemed rude to you. Quite possibly they didn’t think they were being rude and would furiously dispute owning the label of “rude person” but all that is by the by because they seemed rude to you and therefore in your mind they are rude. They could set you straight or argue their case all you wanted but it’ll probably just make you more certain your first perception was correct. That’s probably what’s happening with you.

I’m not particularly interested in most people’s opinions of me. I can’t change them so there’s little point worrying about them.
What I will say though is the people who really know me don’t jump to conclusions or judge me negatively. They know I’m kind and decent, and so are they. That’s why I spend time with them.
Maybe choose different friends?

I know EXACTLY what you mean and YANBU. Sometimes I feel certain individuals misunderstand on purpose, often subtext and intentions are added where there are none. But like you I simply cannot be bothered with it anymore.

I'm sure the only people who think anything worth noting about me are those who know me, who have no doubt formed their impressions based on how I present and what I share with them. I can't imagine anyone else giving me more than a cursory thought so it makes no real difference whether they're right or wrong in that.

One thing I've noticed about getting older (in my 50s) is that I care much less about what other people think of me. The only opinions that matter are those of the people I care about, close family & close friends.

Yes I can relate to this.

I was always very introverted and shy and couldn't speak to people. And people made the assumptions you describe about me.

It used to really upset me.

When I had CBT in my 30s we talked about this and the therapist said "Does it really matter what other people think of you?" It was quite a light bulb moment for me. I realised actually I don't have a very high opinion of a lot of people myself so why should I care what they thought about me?

I think this is spot on. Jealousy fuels a lot of people who make themselves feel better by believing hearsay, and you will never convince them of the truth anyway.

I think I know what you mean. I used to really be bothered by what people thought of me, but as I've gotten older I've stopped caring as much. Particularly if it's a stranger or loose acquaintance.

Example - I'm currently quite heavily pregnant and a week or so ago I was out with friends drinking an alcohol free beer. A lady at the table next to me kept giving me the evil eye, turning to her friends and whispering, then they were all looking judgmentally - they obviously all assumed I was drinking alcohol. 5 years ago I'd have been mortified and rushed over to show them the 0% label. On this occasion I just smiled and raised my bottle in their direction in a mock "cheers" motion, which triggered further disgust. And I actually quite enjoyed getting them riled up 🤣

You just aren’t hearing them.

If you are everything to everybody all the time, you’re too much of a people pleaser and probably aren’t true to yourself.

Are you talking about first impressions? In which case your ongoing behaviour will correct the impression in time. First impressions are often wrong.

If you are talking about people’s ongoing impression of you then you might want to think about how you present yourself.

Perception might be wrong but it does inform people’s judgement of you, especially professionally.

This is my outlook on it.

As a younger person I didn’t care what randoms thought but would still be wary of what people closer to me thought. Now I’ve hit my 50s, even those closer to me aren’t an issue. I have about 5 people in my life whose opinion of me matters. Anyone else can whistle!

😆😆😆😆

Or alternatively I’m a fairly open and direct person who isn’t often misunderstood?

I think people stereotype others based on various factors and incidents. You never really know friends or colleagues well, not like you know your own family that you have lived with. People are complex. I would have thought most people under that. However, they still do the stereotype thing, it’s probably easier and part of human nature. It’s not that important to me. The only people that really matter are the ones that matter to you and actually know you inside out.