To think that sometimes, it’s better to just let people believe what they want about you?

[SnugShaker]

I used to feel the need to correct every misunderstanding or false assumption people had about me - whether it was at work, in friendships, or even with strangers. But lately, I’ve started to wonder: is it really worth the effort?

People will believe what they want and often, they’ve already made up their minds. Defending yourself can sometimes make you look guilty or just exhaust you for no real gain. And honestly, does it even matter what certain people think?

Of course, there are times when setting the record straight is necessary, but in many cases, I feel like it’s just wasted energy. If someone is determined to misunderstand or misjudge me, maybe it’s best to just let them.

AIBU to think that trying to change people’s minds about you is often a losing game? Or do you think it’s important to correct false assumptions when you can?

It depends who these people are. I would want the people I am closest to know the truth about me. I would want my employer’s opinion of me to be based on facts so my advancement wasn’t hindered by misinformation. Those people matter.

Everyone else, not so much if at all. And there are people who want to see the worst. Some people never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Absolutely not. If someone’s ongoing impression of me is unfavourable, that is their issue not mine. I am happy with how I am, who I am and how I present myself. I’m not about to change that because someone else doesn’t like it.

And some people will have an issue with you being so open and direct. They will perceive it as rude and arrogant. I’m sure you don’t believe that about yourself, so you wouldn’t care or want to change it.

But sometimes it might be to your advantage to consider how you are perceived. It can sometimes take quite small shifts in presentation to achieve improved perception.

You are right when you said ”And some people will have an issue with you being so open and direct. They will perceive it as rude and arrogant.”

If people regular perceived me as arrogant or rude it wouldn’t just be their problem would it?

If people dislike me or find me difficult to work with then it’s going to be hard for me to get promoted or work effectively with team members or even just make friends outside work. And that definitely would be my problem.

It’s possible to be both open and direct without being either rude or arrogant. It’s to my advantage that I make sure I present my views in a way that makes sure they are received positively. I don’t need to change my core personality just make sure I’m polite and make sure to seek other people’s opinions and feedback.

The OP indicated that she’s a naturally reserved and calm person but is sometimes perceived as aloof or uninterested. It probably wouldn’t take much to think of ways to negate that incorrect initial impression. She doesn’t need to change her personality, just consider ways to put her “best foot forward” so to speak.

Hard disagree. If people have an ongoing perception of me that doesn’t change after spending time with me, and it is incorrect, they haven’t taken the time to get to know who I am. Or, they have done and they have a different set of rules for how they think people should behave. Neither of those circumstances would make me change who I am or how I present. I know who I am. My solution in that situation is to find different people. In the highly unlikely event that every single person thinks the same thing, then the conclusion is, I’m not a people person. If I am happy and confident in who I am, that’s more important.

In a work scenario, if how I am is impacting my ability to do my job or get promotion the conclusion is, I find a different workplace as obviously I’m the wrong fit for that team. Over my career I’ve been in that situation. I’ve discovered it doesn’t work for me to be in a team who are uber social, like to chat and all go to lunch together etc. If I were to try to change to fit in, I would hate it. That team might find it difficult to work with me because they think I’m aloof or anti-social. That is not the case but that’s their problem not mine. I’m currently in a management role, the “big boss” thinks I’m too soft (which I am not), but actually he is a bully who people refuse to work directly with. Do I change to emulate his style? Or let my results speak for themselves (which they do)? If it turns out that was hampering promotion for me (which it isn’t) I’d find another job.

Changing who you are to suit other people is not sustainable. Be true to who you are and don’t be afraid to let other people dislike you.

If people don’t like me, that’s fine. But it won’t be because I haven’t made any effort to form a relationship.

It’s not about people pleasing, it’s about finding common ground and a common communication style.

But we all have different approaches, there isn’t only one right way to do things.

I used to extremely self conscious and worried what everyone thought of me.., Until I turned 50.
I’m 60 now and give no fucks

YADNBU

Theres a school mum who thinks I fancy her husband. All because we organised an event together once (and barely spoke). She tells people this! I’ve actually been asked if it’s the. I’m married too to someone who’s about 10x hotter than her DH. She also does this weird exaggerated cuddling into him whenever I’m near them.

I think it’s hilarious and Rather than confront her I go on the wind up - my best friend is also a school mum, if this woman is in earshot my friend asks me if I’m still a husband stealing slut, and I’ll say something like “Yes but only the ugly ones”

Why bother putting the effort into reassuring people who aren’t my friends, who are rude and who spread gossip about me? Not worth the sweat off my upper lip frankly

I’d love to say I’m the same but I’m not quite there with not caring what family say bit.

YANBU. SIL has convinced herself I'm an abusive wife who stops her brother contacting her. The reality is, she's an awful person who only texts if she can get something out of it. At the point of her accusations she'd left multiple of DHs messages on read for months. He stopped bothering, and then she crossed a line so he cut contact.

Her accusations hurt at first, but then I realised her accusations are a reflection of her not of me. I can't control what she talks about, but I can remove myself from the situation, so I have absolutely nothing to do with her.

I got divorced years ago, my ex husband started a campaign around the village about how mentally unwell I was, the affair I was having etc etc. all deflected behaviour as it was he who was threatening to jump off bridges with the children and had got another lady pregnant.
any way a whole group of friends that were my friends sided with him, believed every word rather than thought about the friendship and person I was during those years. Not one reached out to me during that time. ( it would’ve had to be via social media as my ex stamped on my phone but they had the means and chose not too)
I have had to see one of the group through a situation at work and I would still support her due to the situation she’s in but another came to see her and I turned my back on her. When I needed them the most they chose the gossip and left me struggling, 16 years on I don’t need to try and win them round and it was very powerful for me to have that ability to turn my back on her. Let them think what they want I don’t owe them a thing

Those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter

Life is a lot easier to navigate when you don't care what other people think of you. I tend to work on the basis that those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.

Obviously you need to be a fairly decent sort of person, rather than a serial killer, but most people care far too much what random people think about them.

Let them. They can't have much going on in their own lives if they feel the need to dissect others.

Maybe if people got on with being themselves and stopped obsessing about others people may be healthier, i don't care what people think about me i just try and be the best I can be

I’m okay with being cast as the villain in the story, if it brings me peace.