Finding the willpower to change my lifestyle and habits

[miniegghead]

How? I am almost 40. Two stone overweight. Really poor physical fitness. I have a bad diet and hate the way I look. I feel like I’ve aged a lot in the past few years and I don’t like shopping or really going anywhere that requires wearing more than leggings or baggy tops because I’m so self conscious about my figure.

But it’s all my own fault. I eat crap. I drink too much. I don’t exercise (other than a short walk everyday). Every week I promise myself this is the week I’ll make changes but by Wednesday I’ve slipped back into my usual habits. I just have no willpower. If I’m hungry I just forget all of the promises I’ve made to myself and binge on whatever is available. If I tell myself I won’t drink during the week I get to Thursday and think oh fuck it. It’s just an endless cycle of the same old habits and I have no idea how to break them.

I work and have two dc and by the time they are in bed I have no energy to do anything than fall on the sofa.

I just need a total overhaul of my mindset and habits. Has anyone else managed to get themselves out of this kind of rut? Does it get easier as dc grow up and you get a little more time and independence back? I know my health isn’t great and I need to start looking after myself but even the small goals I set for myself feel so hard to work towards right now.

I know that healthy eating and daily exercise is the complete norm for some people. For me it’s an effort and one that I don’t seem to be able to maintain for more than a few days. I’m really starting to hate myself not just because of how I look but how pathetic my willpower is.

2 stone is not a huge amount and you can do this. But you need support. A weight loss and exercise buddy to keep you accountable. Having zero crap in the house (especially if you work from home). Your family need to be on board too to encourage you.
Fine exercise that you enjoy. Some hate gyms, but love zumba or dance for example.
Buy yourself something nice every half stone you lose

You can do this OP!!!

Your willpower isn’t pathetic. You’re just using all of it up on other people, your dc and work. Like a lot of women do.

Rather than think of having to deprive yourself and maintain control, could you think about adding positive things to your life? So, do you get any regular time to yourself to do something that you enjoy, not necessarily exercise related, but just an activity or pastime that you like to do? Rather than think about what to take away from your diet, could you think about adding things that are more nutritious and better for you. Etc etc.

Tackle one thing at a time. It's hard to change everything at once, most people fall off the wagon when they try.

Pick something and get that embedded, then after three months pick something else.

So maybe:
Introduce exercise
... 3 months later change diet
... 3 months later reduce alcohol

I have tried this but it never lasts. I just go back to my usual convenience crap (crisps, pre packed sandwiches, loads of bloody carbs).

Dh does all of the cooking in the house and we do try to come up with healthy ideas together but I sometimes feel a bit out of control with the evening meal which tends to be my biggest meal of the day. I see people having great success with calorie counting but however hard I try I just go over or lose track. I don’t have the mental capacity or time to weigh every single thing and in any case I go on stupid binges when I’m hungry. This is what I mean about no willpower or discipline.

I associate a takeaway and a glass of wine as a comforting treat. I look forward to it, feel lovely and content for a few minutes afterwards and then when it’s all gone I feel disgusted with myself again.

Yes, have a look at this thread, the op is really inspiring and there's lots of help. Start your own thread maybe

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/general_health/5280165-upf-help-my-lifestyle-is-killing-me

I know exactly the feelings that you describe, I have been obese for nearly all of my adult life and I’m nearer to 50 than 40.

I think that looking at your sleep, your amount of time for yourself and reducing stress levels is probably just as useful as diet changes. Those are easier to put in place when you are well rested and lower in stress.

I am tired a LOT and definitely notice my diet and motivation levels plummeting on the days when I’ve really had a bad nights sleep.

I think lack of time is the root cause of my issues. I exist in a constant state of dashing around, going to work, facilitating kids activities etc. The only time I get to myself is in the evening by which point I’m exhausted and demotivated anyway.

My house is full of clutter, I have endless unfinished DIY projects on the go and all of this links into my chaotic mindset I think. I sometimes think if I could have a child free fortnight off work I could totally turn my life around. Alas that will never happen.

I just have no willpower. If I’m hungry I just forget all of the promises I’ve made to myself and binge on whatever is available.

make it easier for yourself by making surenas much as possible of the available stuff is healthy..I'm terrible for eating all available chocolate in small portions (just one bit more...) so either I don't buy it or recently when got given some I asked my husband to hide it so I can only get it by asking which makes me think twice about it.

Also found it helped to avoid getting peckish as much as I can eg I delay breakfast and then have something filling, instead of just eating toast as soon as I wake up. That means when I have my mod morning tea or coffee I'm less likely to feel hungry. I still really want the biscuits or pastry but easier to resist cos I still feel full

I also wish I could have a fortnight without family to just crack on at work, and then a fortnight without work to sort out my home/meal plan etc

I also empathise with lacking motivation and self control when tired, and the house chaos and the internet lack of time!

I definitely find it a bit easier now that they are all at school, so I think there's an element of being kind with yourself while you are in the thick of little kids. Think about small changes and focus on what you do achieve. I have bookmarked a particular you tube channel which has lots of ten minute gentle workouts, I do one every morning and it probably makes not much difference to my health in itself but it does make me feel like I'm taking care of myself and it helps make me more motivated overall. BUT when I still had kids at home even ten minutes every day felt too much. I did it whenever I could manage it and tried to focus on that small positive not the hundreds of other things I hadn't done. I have more thoughts but my current ambition is not staying up all night on phone so....will maybe write a bit more tomorrow

Can you afford professional help? Dietician? Therapy?

An expert might be able to help get you back on track.

We don’t always have the expertise to do it ourselves.

Once you know how, it will be easier to look after yourself.

Start adding things, don't take things away. Start small eg, I'll have a glass of water when I get up, I'll start eating a piece of fruit a day, I'll walk five minutes longer for my daily walk, I'll eat a handful of mixed nuts, I'll add fruit to my cereal and so on.

Hey lovely! I could have wrote this post myself! I am 40, 3 stone overweight, bad diet, no motivation! If you wants a workout/weightloss buddy online I'm here just inbox me and we can sort it out 😊

I have recently taken myself in hand and lost a stone since February just following a calorie deficit diet. We’ve cut out bread and high carbs, eat a lot of chicken and fish. I sneak the odd vegetarian meal in and try not to snack or eat on the run.
I stopped drinking years ago. I think I would start with cutting out alcohol to start with. It is an all round win,win. Reduces calorie intake, helps with sleep pattern and detoxes the liver.
Gradually reduce calorie intake but don’t deprive yourself. If you want a day of indulgence once a week do it. Healthy weight loss should be gradual.
Do a bit of goal setting. And invest in a decent set of scales, I bought some of the fancy ones that tells you your BMI and a whole host of other stuff. Knowing your approximate fat percentage is a real motivator. Mine are attached to an app that also has a calorie counter. It also works out your body type. Apparently I’m standard muscular and I have a high skeletal muscle content which explains why I am heavier than I look, apparently.
It has kept me focused and although my weight loss is slow and steady it is still going down.
My next stage is increasing activity. Walking is my thing but I take Anastrazole ( post breast cancer) and most days are a struggle due to muscle and joint pain, a side effect of the drug. My dog had a serious spine injury last summer so walking in the cold weather is not a good idea because she has loss of feeling in her rear legs. She has improved significantly as the weather has warmed up recently.
I have considered swimming but will need to join a gym so I’m still thinking about it.

What struck me about your post is that you notice a pattern of going off the rails by Wednesday/Thursday. I watched an interview with Dr Chris or Xand (not sure which now!). Anyway he said that we don't actually have poor willpower, we just don't plan for who we actually are. When we make these decisions which require willpower, we're planning ahead with the best version of ourselves, living the best version of our life. But it's not real, because we're not constantly at our best and life is not easy. So we need to have a plan for what happens when we get home after a terrible day at work and the kids are arguing and you want to reach for chocolate and wine for the dopamine. We need a plan for that moment that doesn't involve food.

You know that it all goes to hell for you on a Wednesday/Thursday. What else could you do to make yourself feel good that doesn't involve food? Go out somewhere? See friends? Cinema? Do something self carey? Buy something for yourself?

But I'm right there with you! I'm early 40s, a stone and a half overweight now and zero fitness. I managed to loose a stone last year. I have no love of exercise at all. I love good food and a good glass of wine. Cannot be bothered with the nitty gritty faff of calorie counting.

Things that helped me.
I eat a filling breakfast. If I stay full, I don't make stupid food choices later. (protein powder in my coffee and highbran cereal for the fibre)

I always have sensible food in for lunch (batch up veg soup and freeze) otherwise I'd just eat very buttery toast.

I drink spirits not wine - fewer calories and there's something psychological in me that says while it's socially acceptable to drink a glass of wine every night, it's wrong to drink spirits regularly. Once a week/2 weeks is sufficient for the hard stuff!

I eat what I like for tea and don't worry about it. I figure I have 1200 calories left after my standard breakfast and lunch with a decent deficit built in

No snacking at all, ever!

I go out walking with my DH on an evening. Kids are old enough to be left home and we chat instead of doom scrolling in silence

Small, sustainable progress is the way to go

Try Dry app is good for recording alcohol intake. A bit of accountability might help you to cut down

Hello Fresh helped us to get out of the convenience food rut, but admittedly DH has taken over all the cooking as he only works 2 days a week…

I am with you though. Also 40, need to lose about a stone, drink too much, no willpower and not organised enough to fix any of it. And I bloody hate exercise. ALL exercise. And I CBA to find time for it either! (Dog walking aside, I actually don’t mind a 2 hour dog walk but in the week - again - I just don’t have time)

Crap, isn’t it?!

I think one thing at a time, say no alcohol. I also agree with the idea of doing something such as a cinema visit midweek.

I am in a similar place, and trying to take myself in hand… but for what it’s worth here’s few thoughts (for myself as well!).

Listen to the podcast ‘what’s up docs’ about willpower and strategies.

Eating well at breakfast really helps with controlling cravings for the rest of the day. Savoury high protein breakfasts are very good for this and if you cook more the night before you can have leftovers for breakfast. Chicken or fish might feel unusual first thing but sets you up for the day well.

I think maybe starting from a place of compassion for yourself is a good way to begin. Imagine a friend turning up on the doorstep asking to be helped. You probably wouldn’t invite them in, and then tell them what they can’t eat. You would encourage them to rest and have a nice bath before you start on the tougher things. So maybe go a bit slower and don’t tackle everything at once. Forget the diet etc for a few weeks and start with early nights, some walks and something like giving yourself a manicure. When you feel like you can breathe, make a plan for a better diet. When you have more energy from a better diet make a plan for more exercise…

Good luck and be lovely to yourself.

You need to make smaller changes that you can cope with because your 40s is hard - but getting ahead of the game now will give you so much once the childen are older and you can really focus fully on yourself

Eg let yourself have Wednesday off and then try and be better on Thursday or Friday rather than wait till Saturday to start again. Buy one bottle of wine for Thursday/friday/aaturday

or
pick on one thing - say diet for a month then try no alcohol for a month , then exercise - and then repeat - see what changes you can carry over ( perhaps you are not dieting but you restrict yourself on the biscuits or you carry on doing a yoga once a week )

if you fail one day, that’s fine - no one is perfect - so call it a recovery day not a failure

I agree with PP, quit alcohol first. It really impacts your appetite so you are hampering yourself by trying to diet if you still drink. Read Alcohol Explained by William Porter.

Also agree with adding in healthy choices rather than taking away.

I have lost 2.5 stone this year taking Mounjaro (obese and high cholesterol) and am just above a healthy BMI now. I will probably take it long term. It’s not for everyone but something you might want to discuss with your GP.

Can you start by having just one day a week when you treat yourself to a glass or two of wine and a takeaway? Its something to look forward to and you can control that in your mind knowing the routine.

Really appreciate this thread right now. Am slightly hungover yet again after drinks with friends last night. I find it very difficult to moderate and even sometimes have a cigarette or vape when pissed, which is absolutely pathetic at my age!

I am more controlled with food - lack of willpower booze and not enough exercise seem to be my main problems - but I would also like to lose a few pounds.

Keep the tips on good ways to establish healthy habits coming!

Lots of good advice on here!
Just take one thing....one tiny habit that you cab build on. It could be having a glass of water in the morning or a 10 minute walk after dinner or even just 5 squats before you go to bed.
if you forget or don't do it one day, don't just say oh fuck it that's it I'm going pour myself a glass of wine and eat the chocolate just say OK and then start again the next day.
I'm in a similar position weight and age wise but I'm just doing very small things that hopefully will build as I keep doing them
X

I found Dr Michael Moseley's The Fast Diet really useful, back in the day when I was carrying a couple of stone more than was good for me. And I've kept it off.

He advocates fasting 2 days a week - i.e. only 500 calories on 2 days of the week: mostly vegetables and protein. One eats 'normally' - but not indulgently - the other 5 days.

For exercise, I'd suggest starting with Lucy Wyndham Read, whose workouts are very short, and she is very calm and gentle. Plus a daily plank - try the Bowflex 3-minute plank. If you feel more energetic, look at Rebecca Louise and Heather Robertson.

Meal plan fir the week and don't buy any crap or alcohol if it's not in the house you can't eat it if you get the bus to work get off a stop earlier or park further away. Climb stairs rather than use lifts. It all helps