Manic bipolar episode - ruined my life and no way out

[feelinggverylost]

As the title suggests.

Really, really desperate for some help or advice before I take my next step because I am not thinking rationally and feel so lost and alone right now. This is a bit of a long post just so I don’t waste anyone’s time.

I’m 30, a mum to a 5 year old boy who is severely autistic & non-verbal with GDD. I also have an amazing, supportive partner who I am very lucky to have, but he is also under a lot of stress so I’m sort of coping with this by myself.

My partner is his main carer whilst I work full time & run my own business which I started after my partner lost his job. It picked up quickly and we were able to live more comfortably so we continued with me working full time. It’s a decision I deeply regret as I feel I have missed out on so much time with my little boy and blame myself for his development often. I absolutely adore him and every night I am ravaged with guilt when he goes to bed.

I have bipolar disorder and I was in a long-term episode of a mixed episode from late 2023 to Autumn 2024 and have destroyed mine and I fear my families lives.

I have never had an episode like it, and it was triggered by ill health and burn out, I think.

In this space of time I was a different person. I got the business £35,000 into debt and now have a CCJ. I gave thousands to a stranger online out of sympathy after watching their lives on TikTok (I am beyond ashamed), got myself personally into £80K of debt, became delusional thinking I was dying, attending 3 different hospitals over 12 months 38 times, which eventually got me cut off from my GP and I had a warning letter for hysterical behaviour. I became convinced my parents hated me and wanted to take my son away, I don’t know who this person was and now that I am not in the same place (but worried I may be soon) I, whilst I don’t remember some of it, a lot of what I do has really traumatised me. And I have contemplated suicide, the only thing keeping me going is my son and my partner, I have let them down horrendously but I know they need me. But I know they deserve so much more and sometimes I think maybe they’d be better off financially and mentally if I wasn’t there anymore.

I got some help when I got into a horrific low, a crash from the mania, and was started on new medication and had some sessions of therapy.

I started feeling better and felt I needed to work to make everything right and managed to somewhat build the business back up to the point I was at least paying my debts.

But in February my meds were changed again, and everything is plummeting. I am more stressed than I have ever been, I’m emotional and agitated, I’ve been rude and snappy to people, stopped sleeping, I have done beyond ridiculous things like the idea to start a bracelet business, spent money on a load of stock which I haven’t touched, and even contacted angel investors. I realise already that is ridiculous so I am hoping that means I’m not exactly back where I was.

But I’ve lost concentration, struggling with low energy, losing clients, I have someone supporting me but it’s still not enough. I’m feeling low, struggling with flash backs from the episode, and I am just so beyond tired.

Paired with our son, who is so bloody bright and just wonderful (and deserves a much better mum), who attacks me a lot (though not to hurt me, it is the reaction, and we also have lots of lovely cuddles and time together) but it is still hard dealing with everything altogether.

I am so overwhelmed that I am starting to just numb myself to everything.

It is my dream to be a full time carer to my son and to just but the business behind me so my partner could go back to work, but I am crippled with debt and feel I have no choice but to keep working, but it’s never ending and I am making myself unwell by trying to work. But as I mentioned I am beyond thankful to my amazing partner who is an incredible dad, and I am emotional in private so not around him.

I don’t remember the last time I felt happy and normal. I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether the crisis point is now or soon and I’m scared.

I don’t know how there is a way to get through this or how to live with with myself going forward.

Please; if anyone has any suggestions or advice, I am desperate.

You need support from a secondary mental health service. I dont know what the situation is now with your GP but you need to get them to refer you - even if you have to register with another practice.

You haven't ruined your lives. I work with people who have done some things whilst manic that they were so ashamed of, like you, but who regain their lives and eventually the awful thing doesn't feel so awful in the context of their lives moving forward x

Are you open to any MH teams? If not call your local crisis line (it's open 24/7) you need an urgent med review, also self refer to NHS talking therapy, depending on the area there can be a long wait, but if youve at least got the referral in that's something that can help.

Focus on mindfulness, grounding, and distraction techniques for the mean time.

Also have a look at hub of hope and try and find local services. If you let me know the area you live I'm happy to try provide a bit more advice around what's around locally for you

Setting the bipolar aside. Anyone could have a break down in a situation like the one you are living.

I would, however, get your meds sorted urgently. You are being messed around by the medical professionals here

I don't know what advice to offer but just wanted to post my sympathy for everything you are going through here.

I would have thought you should contact a GP as soon as possible and explain what is going on. It might be better if your partner found a job and you did the childcare so you have a steady income and less stress.

YOU did not do these things, your illness did.
Please contact your crisis team now tonight and if you can’t reach them speak to the Samaritans.
Your son deserves to have you in his life and you need help now. Turning things around after the last episode must have taken so much effort, but you managed it.
You have asked for help - you are in charge, contact someone tonight.

I’m so sorry, if all sounds incredibly difficult, for you and your partner. I can imagine thinking about it all at once is overwhelming so maybe try not to focus on it all too much. Not trying to be flippant, but what’s done is done, it’s awful that your illness has meant that perhaps you made choices but at a time when you didn’t have the right frame of mind.

Firstly get your medication sorted, don’t get further into debt.

Hoping wiser people than me will come along soon.

I would go back to the people who changed your meds. Maybe ask your partner to come with you, so he can also advocate for you. Does he know how you feel?

Forgive me for being blunt, but I was wondering about your ccjs? If you already have some, would it be easier to declare yourself bankrupt?

I'm sorry for what you're going through girl, but you are not a bad mum! You're a human one! We all have our problems and the main thing is, you've realised the signs now and you want to get better!

You need to get some proper help as soon as possible. Maybe on Tuesday when things start back up again?

You've recognised that you're struggling and now you're not alone as mumsnet can really be a good source of help

❤️

So I have since moved area (after getting evicted, yep) and have a new GP and am back under the community mental health team. Last year they took me off of 600mg pregabalin daily to cold turkey within one week, I went back because of how I was feeling, they took me off lurasidone and put me on quetiapine, and have said if that doesn’t work they will put me back on lithium, which was horrible last time. Also on clomipromine and lamotrogine.

The past 10 years of meds have fried my brains.

I have been distressed and they have written me up as emotional and verbally aggressive because I just felt they were not listening. Kind of scared to go back

Above all op there is one thing to focus on: being there for your little boy.

He needs you desperately, is not judging you and is NOT better off without you.

Honestly I’m outside having a cigarette (I know) crying right now. Thank you so much for your compassion as I was really scared to post.

I am sorry to add, but with the CCJs I was actually paying them off, and have managed to pay back over £15,000 of debt within the time I was better.

But I have thousands owed to HMRC and I’m scared they’ll put me in prison.

I am also scared that because my partner is under stress they might take away my son if I say I’m unwell.

I really will try not to drip feed!

Contact the mental health team and try and get support, I know it's not always great with mental health teams but you need to do what you can to avoid crisis. There may be an advocacy service in your area that can help with accessing services and making sure you are listened to.
Go to citizens advice/ welfare rights about finances for advice. I'd also consider forgetting about work for now, we have a welfare system to support people like you. You need to focus on being stable and being there for your child. If the routine of work helps then you can look for volunteering roles where there is less pressure.

I’m really sorry for what you’ve been and are still going through… I’m bipolar 1, and I too did some ridiculous things which I’m still mortified by.
You ( or DP) need to get hold of your care coordinator/ CMHT urgently and tell them you’re in crisis.
Recently when I was hypomanic, my DS1 phoned GP with his concerns and the GP prescribed lorazepam and Zopiclone over the phone
Its possible, the change of meds has triggered this for you( or even change of seasons)
Please do not feel bad about anything
you got into debt because of your illness which was controlling your thoughts at the time.
Everything between life and death can be remedied, and things will get better.

Your illness has led to you doing things that you wouldn’t have otherwise.

not your fault.

since then, you’ve worked bloody hard to get back on your feet. Your son is surrounded by love. Be proud of yourself.

get some medical help urgently. Ask your DP to help you with this.

you can do this. There is a positive future for you.

I think you urgently need a medication review and probably intensive/crisis type support. I would make notes before you speak to anyone and ideally take someone with you to appointments to help you advocate for yourself.

It definitely is possible to overcome all of this, but from experience it comes from having proper oversight and support from mental health services. It can be really hard to get that in place sadly.

Maybe in the longer term you could check with step change to see if there is something that can be done to make the debt more manageable, especially if you were unwell when building it up. Could your partner take control of bank cards etc for the moment if you’re still spending a lot? Set weekly amount in cash and remove card details from your phone etc?

First of all I’m so sorry you are feeling this way.

In our area you can dial 111 or 999 and be put through to a crisis MH team. Would it be better to contact them now when you are on the edge rather than when the crisis hits? I have a PTSD condition and understand about being labelled ‘difficult’ when you’re in the grip of something.

Regarding finances contact a charity such as National Debtline for professional help. Would it be so bad if you had to declare bankruptcy and had to start again?

Hope things improve for you.

OP - it might be worth you posting on moneysavingexpert - there may be an argument to say that you shouldn't have been given so much credit whilst you were unwell so you might be able to get some of your debt wiped off but please don't pay for advice on this, moneysavingexpert debt forum will help and HMRC will work out a payment plan with you and there is support out there for you. Please contact your GP the 111 MH crisis team if you are having suicidal thoughts, your local Mind will also support as will the samaritians and there are always people willing to cheer you on and give you a virtual hug on mumsnet.

Wow OP you have a lot on your plate.

Mental illness is shit, and a particularly shit aspect of it is that it makes you feel like things are your fault. I've been there, felt that I ruined my own life, not bipolar but a different mental illness, it's an utterly awful feeling. Your actions during a manic episode are not your fault.

I really hope that you can get better support for your mental health. It sounds like you need to find the right meds, but also could do with some therapy too help you with the trauma of what's happened. Also do you know others with bipolar? Building a support network with people who truly understand, whether that's in person or online, can be invaluable. It's easier to have empathy for yourself when you have friends going through similar struggles.

Dear Op, you sound like an extremely dynamic and brilliant person and it's just going to be a case of finding compassion for yourself and the right support. You wouldn't blame yourself if you broke a leg and couldn't walk so fast for a few months would you? Sending you a virtual hug also xxooxx

I feel stressed just reading your story 🤐

Have you had any proper psychotherapy to understand somewhat of where your bipolar came from? What was your childhood like?

Medication only manages it to a certain extent and lifestyle and therapy are the way to really control it.

I don’t know what to say about the financial situation other than it sounds stressful af, and I hope you can keep on top of it

What’s your partner doing to help?

In my experience with familial serious mental health can I suggest that you contact step change with evidence of your mental illness and get some of this debt written off. Especially any loans you have received as you were not capable of entering into a contract when you were unwell? This worked for a relative of mine and got 10s of thousands written off.

OP I'm sorry for your troubles. Having a child with MH troubles, I have no trouble believing you that the professionals often don't listen and then judge you for being stressed by this. It's hard.

Getting you on a stable medication regime that works for you seems the first priority. Is there anyone who can advocate for you, come with you to appointments, help amplify your voice? Maybe from a charity like Mind?

I also second the suggestion up thread that whoever gave you that much credit when your behaviour was likely observably erratic has questions to answer. Try debt charities or CAB on this.

And don't kick yourself, whatever you do. Have compassion for yourself. You are fighting a terrible foe, setbacks will happen. But you're here seeking help. That's a start.

You need to hire an assistant immediately. Probably a temp PA for a month who will sort out the practicalities. And organise your life for you.

I know you're having money worries but you need two levels of practical support immediately: someone to remove the mental load, run your diary and keep you on track, and someone who can look at your long term plan and advise you about where your expertise is best placed.

As a pp suggested in regards to the debts please speak to step change and be totally honest about your mental health - they can help get debt under control and in some instances written off.

Please speak to your DP and explain how you feel - you really need to speak to your crisis team and access help urgently. You need some time and space to get well and that may mean your DP working rather than you but you need to be transparent with him and not hide your emotions.

I've been there. All I can do is send you my love and compassion. ❤️