Manic bipolar episode - ruined my life and no way out

[feelinggverylost]

As the title suggests.

Really, really desperate for some help or advice before I take my next step because I am not thinking rationally and feel so lost and alone right now. This is a bit of a long post just so I don’t waste anyone’s time.

I’m 30, a mum to a 5 year old boy who is severely autistic & non-verbal with GDD. I also have an amazing, supportive partner who I am very lucky to have, but he is also under a lot of stress so I’m sort of coping with this by myself.

My partner is his main carer whilst I work full time & run my own business which I started after my partner lost his job. It picked up quickly and we were able to live more comfortably so we continued with me working full time. It’s a decision I deeply regret as I feel I have missed out on so much time with my little boy and blame myself for his development often. I absolutely adore him and every night I am ravaged with guilt when he goes to bed.

I have bipolar disorder and I was in a long-term episode of a mixed episode from late 2023 to Autumn 2024 and have destroyed mine and I fear my families lives.

I have never had an episode like it, and it was triggered by ill health and burn out, I think.

In this space of time I was a different person. I got the business £35,000 into debt and now have a CCJ. I gave thousands to a stranger online out of sympathy after watching their lives on TikTok (I am beyond ashamed), got myself personally into £80K of debt, became delusional thinking I was dying, attending 3 different hospitals over 12 months 38 times, which eventually got me cut off from my GP and I had a warning letter for hysterical behaviour. I became convinced my parents hated me and wanted to take my son away, I don’t know who this person was and now that I am not in the same place (but worried I may be soon) I, whilst I don’t remember some of it, a lot of what I do has really traumatised me. And I have contemplated suicide, the only thing keeping me going is my son and my partner, I have let them down horrendously but I know they need me. But I know they deserve so much more and sometimes I think maybe they’d be better off financially and mentally if I wasn’t there anymore.

I got some help when I got into a horrific low, a crash from the mania, and was started on new medication and had some sessions of therapy.

I started feeling better and felt I needed to work to make everything right and managed to somewhat build the business back up to the point I was at least paying my debts.

But in February my meds were changed again, and everything is plummeting. I am more stressed than I have ever been, I’m emotional and agitated, I’ve been rude and snappy to people, stopped sleeping, I have done beyond ridiculous things like the idea to start a bracelet business, spent money on a load of stock which I haven’t touched, and even contacted angel investors. I realise already that is ridiculous so I am hoping that means I’m not exactly back where I was.

But I’ve lost concentration, struggling with low energy, losing clients, I have someone supporting me but it’s still not enough. I’m feeling low, struggling with flash backs from the episode, and I am just so beyond tired.

Paired with our son, who is so bloody bright and just wonderful (and deserves a much better mum), who attacks me a lot (though not to hurt me, it is the reaction, and we also have lots of lovely cuddles and time together) but it is still hard dealing with everything altogether.

I am so overwhelmed that I am starting to just numb myself to everything.

It is my dream to be a full time carer to my son and to just but the business behind me so my partner could go back to work, but I am crippled with debt and feel I have no choice but to keep working, but it’s never ending and I am making myself unwell by trying to work. But as I mentioned I am beyond thankful to my amazing partner who is an incredible dad, and I am emotional in private so not around him.

I don’t remember the last time I felt happy and normal. I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether the crisis point is now or soon and I’m scared.

I don’t know how there is a way to get through this or how to live with with myself going forward.

Please; if anyone has any suggestions or advice, I am desperate.

OP you’ve done brilliantly to regain your mental health back after your episode - and no wonder it’s slipping. Running a business and having a child with additional needs can cause even mentally robust people to have breakdowns, let alone those with pre existing serious MH conditions.
I know the feeling of being in “reparations” mode after fucking everything up, it’s so tough but you’ve identified you’re not able to carry this now. You barely got the proper support to recover from the last episode.

Much more specific helpful advice will be on this thread but I’d just remind yourself to advocate relentlessly to get more MH immediate help. And consider liquidating the business and the implications of that and starting all over- speak to a specialist in that re its implications. It’s too much pressure as it is.

Firstly OP, it's not your fault. You have a mental illness. Bipolar and mania is a debilitating and severe mental illness.

Do you have power of attorney set up and someone who can legally take over finances if you lose capacity, as you likely did previously?

Could you ask for an advocate support? They will help you attend appointments, appeal debts, attend mental health appointments etc with you, as needed. You can usually self refer through a charity.

Do you have a social worker? It might actually help you, OP. They can support you with accessing the right things and help advocate for you.

It also sounds like you need an urgent meds review from your CMHT, and potentially something to help ease your anxiety short term, like a benzo.

i grew up in a family where close family members had lots of mental health issues.

There have been points where I could never ever imagine us ever functioning normally and if I’m being honest, as the child, ever forgiving my mum and older sister for what went on. I totally understand the debt and other issues that went on.

But today it’s so different. I feel a connection to my sister that I don’t have with anyone else on earth. I appreciate my mums devoted love for me even if she struggled with addictions during a lot of my childhood.

I can chat with them about what happened in a neutral way. In a way it’s made us closer. I’ve no practical advice but as the child in your scenario I just want you to know family bonds are strong and please have faith in the future. I love my mum and sister more than anything despite all the issues. I’m sure your son will feel the same. Please forgive yourself x

The MH charities “Rethink” and “Mind” have advice lines which could be a really good starting point for you or your partner to call and explain where you’re at and how helpless you feel. They should be able to sign post you to other support and help for financial issues too.

Speak to your creditors, you are vulnerable and they need to show that they have identified it and acted on it in a way to help prevent this. I would bet they haven’t and that they could/should have prevented it being this bad.

citizens advice should be able to help

Actually I’ve just remembered what I did when I ran up debts in my last episode
Make an appointment with CAB, they were so kind and non judgemental and dealt with creditors on my behalf.
They will liaise and explain that you are vulnerable and the debts are due to irrational behaviour due to inhibition which is a symptom of bipolar.
You were not in control and it was not your fault

From what I remember( it’s a blur now) some of my debts were written off, some were repaid at £5 a month, or whatever you can afford.I did end up with a CCJ which I didn’t know I had, but just waited 6 years before it was spent
i now have a credit card with a low £1200 limit which my DS oversees.
PLEASEdo not let this make you unwell
Do take the first step with CAB
sent with warmest wishes