Maintain friendship with friend sending nudes to a married man?

[WinterKitchen]

I don't know if AIBU is the right place for this but I guess am I unreasonable to continue a friendship with this friend. She has always said she deplores cheating because her husband left her for someone else. Now she's developed several online relationships with men one of whom is married. They share naked pictures and videos of themselves in sex positions masturbating. I've seen pictures that have been doctored to look like they're on a bed together naked when they aren't really. They're traumatising!!!

I remember when a mutual friend had a brief relationship with a married man and she was very judgemental after what happened with her husband cheating. Now she's doing this and says she doesn't care about this man's wife, it's harmless and besides she doesn't fancy him anyway.

I can't get my head around it.

I've seen pictures that have been doctored to look like they're on a bed together naked when they aren't really. They're traumatising!!!

why have you seen these pictures, did she volunteer to show you?

Have you replied and told her your displeasure upon seeing them?

Yes, and yes. I'm judgemental apparently.

She sounds immature, entitled, attention drain, not a friend.

Well it’s two questions isn’t it. Firstly do you want to be friends with someone who SHOWS you these photos? I wouldn’t. I’ve seen friends bodies because of surgical issues or breast cancer scares but never in the context you have described. That’s so disgusting and I would have already bailed on that ‘friendship’.

But also what are your morals around cheating? It doesn’t really matter what your friend thinks - she’s doing what she wants anyway - where do you draw the line? Work out what is acceptable to you and then act on it. Two of my best friends are the best man and his wife from my wedding - because my ex husband cheating and they made the choice to distance themselves from him.

She is your friend. You may not approve of her behaviour, but that's not a reason to ditch her. Just agree not to discuss this aspect of her life.
She may need you for support, if/when things go wrong.

She has zero boundaries with anyone. I'd be stepping back. It's OK to judge her for this behaviour.

I left a friendship as she started dating married men , I have lots of values I don't share with friends . We agree to disagree but this is a step to far . If you don't care about other women should I care about you?

I just read another thread where someone replied to the OP saying that the woman they were talking about thinks with her fanny. This is just the same.

She’s using your reactions to drive up the “illicit” feel of her actions: don’t give her any reaction and I’d avoid from now on

@Arlanymor I detest cheating. Apparently so does she but then does this sort of thing!

She doesn't sound like she's in a good state but you're perfectly within your rights to tell her you don't want to see or hear and don't approve

This - she is getting a kick out of cheating/not cheating.

Its an emotional affair if not physical, they are both titillaying each other in inappropriate ways. Would she do this with an available man? Nope, because available people live in the real world, not fake pics world.

She sounds mentally unwell. You don't need to fix her.

A friend getting involved with a married man, I could continue the friendship. A friend sending me pornographic pictures of themselves, I couldn't deal with 🤮

I think my friends would be really startled if I did that!

That's not just a line crossed
She's stomped all over it.
Why in fuck would she think you'd want to see those pics!
I'd be telling her straight then block.

She's not sent them to me, she showed them to me in her house.

Presumably the bloke involved did not consent to her showing intimate pictures of him to anyone else. She’s also totally out of order for that (and may have committed a crime?)

She definitely doesn’t and she can’t justify it in light of her behaviour. I’d be turning off the oxygen tap on this friendship.

I would definitely distance myself, aside from the whole lack of morals involved with engaging with a Married man she shouldn’t be showing you unwanted images like that. Why would she think you would want to see that?

Also she’s being very unwise, who knows where those pictures could end up! I’ve always said no one will get those kind of pictures of me even if I’m married, because you never know what could happen in the future and where the photos could end up.

Revenge porn is a thing and even if no-one means to expose you, these things have a way of getting out - phones can be lost/hacked etc. And sharing these kind of photos with multiple men willy nilly is surely increasing the risk of something like that happening.

I would be taking some very big steps backwards from this friendship for a while just to get my head round it and reassess.

From what you say, it's out of character so I would be wondering if there was something else going on in her life that had prompted this.

So I might not cut the friendship, but I wouldn't instigate any meet ups, and I might have other plans if she suggested anything. I might just stick to catching up via messages for a while and see what occurs.

It could be argued that she hasn't actually done anything illegal or even anything "real", but it's not great what she is doing, and the general lack of concern about the wife, isn't appealing in a friend. I would be wondering if that level of disregard might creep into her real life - i.e. with me!

I'm not one to sit in moral judgement on things which don't concern me.

@Createausername1970 She's always craving attention from men but I thought it was all in her head. However I do remember when we were doing summer jobs and she was playing two guys against each other and telling each of them that a married guy at work was flirting with her and she couldn't help flirting back, possibly to make them jealous.

Does the man know she’s sharing these pictures and showing them to others? That for me would be the dealbreaker.

Sharing nude photos is bloody stupid, but sharing photos of someone else is appalling behaviour. If the genders were reversed people would be outraged.

I would distance myself from this. I have done in the past when I had a friend who was sleeping around when she had a young child.

What I found was that I wasn't the only friend responding - some of her friends spoke to her directly about some of the risks she was taking. I personally knew it wouldn't really get through from me as she is very head strong, so I just distanced myself. I think the combination of all our reactions meant she realised she was ostracised herself from friends and she got a grip. I do think it's a wierd addictive swipe swipe world and she has a predisposition to do risky things. I was concerned for her child and worried for her safety. It wasn't married men but tbh some probably were, how would she know and she admitted that. Personal integrity is important IMHO.

I would be judgemental too.

I wouldn't want to see photos any friend of mine masturbating and the fact she thinks it's normal behaviour to show herself doing this would frankly repulse me.

I'd be having nothing more to do with her.