To want to leave because of creepy neighbour

[Shiny88]

So I just want to know if I’m being irrational.
iv phoned the police already and they have just made a lon and basically said he’s probably got the wrong end of the stick because I was being nice.

on to the AIBU. It’s a long one I am sorry.

So we have lived here for 5 years and direct Nextdoor neighbour has never caused any issues. He’s early 60s, abit of a drinker but never caused a problem.
last year he made a comment at me - can’t quite remember but I let it slide.
we had some glorious weather 2 weeks ago and he was sat on his door step. So just being neighbourly we chatted for a couple of mins. The following day he was there again.
me and my partner were painting the fence. He ignored my partner and just wanted to talk to me. Thought nothing of it but did think it was weird.
the following day I was out cleaning my car and he came out in women’s pyjamas and a dressing gown and said
‘I was going to call over the other day to see if you wanted to sit in the sun with me’

so I replied - again being neighbourly and feeling Abit sorry for him as his wife passed away 2 years ago so thought he might be lonely. - ‘aww whens it’s nice next il sit and have a cuppa with you.’

and he said - ‘well we can sunbathe’ with that he then lent in and said ‘I only want you in your knickers’

at the point I was uncomfortable so I said I’m going to finish cleaning my car now.

the next two days he was watching me through his window and he can see into our house from the side windows.

then yesterday I hear a Knock on the door. It’s him again in the same clothing as the other day.
I open the door he tries to step in. I shut the door too so he can’t. He’s whole mannerism is off and he was giving off a strange vibe if you will.

he said ‘ you’ve not popped over to see me yet’

I reply ‘no Iv been busy it’s half term’

at this point my 6 year old daughter comes to stand by my side.

he proceeds to say ‘Iv come to do a trade with you, do you want to do a trade’ - while he is asking this he is rubbing his crotch area through his dressing gown.

I said ‘what you you want to trade’ (again maybe I’m naive but I thought he might want milk or something)

he said ‘you know a trade’ and then proceeds to get something out of his pocket and tried to hand it to me. And made me take it.

i opened it and it was lingerie shorts. - must have been his wife’s as they looked used as in old and worn.

and this point I hand the back to him quickly and said I’m not interested and repeated this three times and slammed the door.

today he’s been watching me through the window when I was outside and as soon as my partner came out he left the window.

I don’t feel safe and I want to move from this house. I feel as though it has escalated so quickly and he is clearly unhinged. AIBU?

my daughter was so unsettled yesterday after it and didn’t want to be in her own in her own house.
I feel dirty it’s horrid.

Don't engage in any conversation from now on. Ignore him. I need to ignore my neighbour next door for different reasons but it can be done. Sorry to hear of what has been happening to you with these incidents.

I wouldn't say I'm busy, that just let's him believe there's a chance when she's not busy. Instead say "There's no chance I'll be having a cup of tea with you. The way you behaved this week was absolutely appalling. I've contacted the police about your perverted behaviour and ill be continuing to log any unwanted attention from you. Please do not ever speak to me or my family again."

Put in official complaint to police. That will make the sit up and listen

I'd put a letter through his door telling him he's a grubby old pervert and you've reported his sexual harassment to the Police.

If he wont answer the door to your husband, and have a confrontation with him, that tells you everything you need to know. I detest men that bully women because they think theres nothing they can do, then hide behind the curtains when a bloke comes round. He's probably thought it wouldn't have consequesces, and is likely shitting himself. I personally would send DH round a few more times, so he feels uncomfortable in his own home. Ram the message home a bit.

You are doing everything right (ring doorbell, police contacted, keeping a log) But I would also contact the people you rent from and ask if the fence can be made higher (you mention not being able to put a 6’ fence up so assume it’s a small fence?). Explain why. Or if that’s not possible could you plant something to give you privacy in your garden, or put up bamboo (I think) fencing that can be attached to the lower fence to give some height.

Does your neighbour rent his house? If so find who owns it and report him.

I would also be escalating with the Police after the encounter when your daughter was there. The behaviour is grim, and his confidence is scary.

I would speak to them to see if they’ve had the same issue with him and keep contacting the Police. His behaviour is vile.

I agree with PP who say you need to make it clear to him that you're disgusted and horrified and that his behaviour has made you feel awful. He's a disgusting perv who thinks you're his friend, who has offered to have a cuppa with him, and who hasn't really objected when he's been very inappropriate (not that you should have to.) Your DH banging on the door means, in his head, that your husband is unhappy about this, but not you necessarily. I would absolutely tell him that you're disgusted and horrified and disappointed in him too- he's made you feel uncomfortable in your own home and what would his late wife have to say about that? Tell him too that you're logging every incident with the police so that every time he's watching you, it is noted and logged.

Thirty or so years ago the answer would have been to send your husband and a couple of other men to knock on the door and make it clear in no uncertain terms to this man that he should never call on you again.

Unfortunately nowadays the police would probably take action against your husband and the couple of other men.

Complain to the police. Emphasise that you have a young child. I agree about talking to the neighbours.

Fucking creep. I feel angry for you, OP 💐

I’m so sorry OP. In your position and with a young child I’d look to move if you can afford to.

In the meantime you need to override your impulse to be kind and polite, and instead get angry and be direct, which can feel very uncomfortable.

If he approaches you again - even says something over the fence - say very firmly and loudly “go away and stop harassing me”. Every single time. If he’s at your door, don’t open it, just shout “stop harassing me and get off my property, I’m calling the police”. And call them.

Record his behaviour if you can (without provoking him).

Also, just a thought, but could your landlords help you to put pressure on the police? They may have an issue on their hands if you leave the property and they have to put it back on the market with a problem neighbour, so it’s in their interests to intervene if they can. If they lived in the house at one time they may know him.

I would have my partner round there everyday hammering his door down until he answers then telling him to back the fuck off. If he comes round I would shout at him YOU ARE A PERVERT over and over until
he retreats. He is relying on quietness, embarrassment and reluctance to cause a fuss to play out his sick fantasy. The whole family fights back. He’s only one man. The police don’t solve all problems in life.

These type of men are cowards at heart. Tell him to go away and that you consider his actions threatening and perverted. Get your OH to go round too as these men listen more to men. Then if course move as you're renting. You don't need this.

Surprised your DH hasn't kicked or kneed that pervert in the balls already.

My DH would have kicked the perverts door down by now. How unsurprising that he's hiding.

Her DH doesn't need to be violent, and shouldn't be for his own sake. This guy is 60 odd, and unlikely to want a fist fight with anyone! I would've thought just the implied, but unsaid threat of it would be enough. Not to mention the social stigma of someone having stern words on the doorstep. Get the curtains twitching OP. We used to live on a canal barge, with all sorts of crazies on the towpath. I found being very direct and standing my ground worked every time. Even as a bloke, it's quite hard to get most people to actually fight you. Thankfully.

It’s good that you’re renting — easier to move. I’ve recently moved house because of awful neighbours and it’s been a huge relief. I hadn’t realised what a toll it was taking. With bad neighbours, summer is the worst time - you can never relax in your garden.you spend whole days indoors. You jump at every sound from their house. Can’t have friends over or eat outside - it’s awful.

I’d move now before the long summer holidays. These situations only ever get worse. Look how quickly he’s moved from saying hello to handing you his dead wife’s used pants.

I’d report to adult social services then everything is logged investigated and reported
I'm not saying he isn’t an old prev but having had experience of frontal temporal dementia
the change in behaviour ,lack of appropriateness ,sexualised comments , unawareness an inability to control emotions it’s in the general age range when this starts that with what I’ve experienced and dealt with
it fits

Yes I was just going to say the same. Stop engaging with him and being so polite and tell him clearly to fuck off! Shout it through the door or loudly publicly out front if you have to.

Coming round wearing women's pyjamas and rubbing his crotch, handing you packages, and some people calling him 'a bit' of a weido ?! I'd try all the suggestions here, and also take photos of him if he comes round again. He's a complete weirdo though, and if it continues, and you can move somewhere similar without too much difficulty, it would probably be worth it for you all in the long term.

I know this is an oldish thread but I agree that there are MH issues or deterioration here. That’s not normal behaviour and he is a danger. I think the only phrase OP needs to repeat is “Go away!” or “Stay away!” to keep him at a distance from her and her family. She doesn’t need to be polite, he was anything but with her and her daughter.

If it is a mental condition he needs blunt instruction which is clear and repeated. If his behaviour escalates - police. If police aren’t behaving adequately take your logged reports of his behaviour and the police response to a complaints committee.

Whether or not his behaviour is technically his fault, he obv can get away with continuing to do it. If he was in control of his reason then he would respond to negativity and threat to himself in the forms of OP’s partner, which he does by refusing to answer the door to him, so there is the ability to assess situations there.

Get a solicitor to write to him.

Say his previous behaviour had been unacceptable
Require that he doesn't contact you, visit your door, or talk to you in your garden.
Make it clear that if he does it again you'll refer him to the police and apply for a restraining order.

That should keep him quiet.

See the summer out, then decide whether to move.

Yes, keep a log for the police.

This is horrible! As others have said do call the police back and reiterate what happened. Their response is very poor. I’d also get a ring doorbell so you can have any other conversation recorded (if he comes over again). Also, if he does speak to you again I’d be very short with him and tell him you don’t want to speak to him anymore. How dare he behave like this because you’ve been kind!

I second the make a report to Adult social services. It could be a form of dementia although the hiding from your husband calling round does make me think it is more that he is a creepy.

The sail idea is good for privacy in the garden. I have seen a pub that has done similar in their bee garden. I am sure there is a way to put it in without doing any permanent alterations.

No more Mrs Nice, OP. You need speak (loudly) only 3 words to him from now on "fuck off pervert". It's the only language people like him understand.

This is your reply always, even if he says "good morning Mrs X how are you today?"
Or "my house is on fire/I'm dying".

Same response, nothing else. (You can still call the fire brigade or an ambulance if you feel there's a need and want to. Personally I wouldn't. His house burned down or him dead would solve the problem once and for all).

Also get blinds for your windows. And put up the 6ft fence. Ask the landlord, say you're being sexually harassed and that you'll pay for the fence yourself and do all the work yourself. But still leave if nothing is done about the man, it's a rental, the ability to quickly move on if it isn't working out is it's main plus point.

He could be an arsehole and that's coming out now his wife has died.
He could have dementia or alcohol related brain damage (which can look a bit like dementia).
If "a bit of a drinker" is what you see, you can bet that's the tip of the iceberg and he's a fully fledged day drinking alcoholic. With no wife to keep his drinking in check (or sexually abuse) he's out of control.