To want to leave because of creepy neighbour

[Shiny88]

So I just want to know if I’m being irrational.
iv phoned the police already and they have just made a lon and basically said he’s probably got the wrong end of the stick because I was being nice.

on to the AIBU. It’s a long one I am sorry.

So we have lived here for 5 years and direct Nextdoor neighbour has never caused any issues. He’s early 60s, abit of a drinker but never caused a problem.
last year he made a comment at me - can’t quite remember but I let it slide.
we had some glorious weather 2 weeks ago and he was sat on his door step. So just being neighbourly we chatted for a couple of mins. The following day he was there again.
me and my partner were painting the fence. He ignored my partner and just wanted to talk to me. Thought nothing of it but did think it was weird.
the following day I was out cleaning my car and he came out in women’s pyjamas and a dressing gown and said
‘I was going to call over the other day to see if you wanted to sit in the sun with me’

so I replied - again being neighbourly and feeling Abit sorry for him as his wife passed away 2 years ago so thought he might be lonely. - ‘aww whens it’s nice next il sit and have a cuppa with you.’

and he said - ‘well we can sunbathe’ with that he then lent in and said ‘I only want you in your knickers’

at the point I was uncomfortable so I said I’m going to finish cleaning my car now.

the next two days he was watching me through his window and he can see into our house from the side windows.

then yesterday I hear a Knock on the door. It’s him again in the same clothing as the other day.
I open the door he tries to step in. I shut the door too so he can’t. He’s whole mannerism is off and he was giving off a strange vibe if you will.

he said ‘ you’ve not popped over to see me yet’

I reply ‘no Iv been busy it’s half term’

at this point my 6 year old daughter comes to stand by my side.

he proceeds to say ‘Iv come to do a trade with you, do you want to do a trade’ - while he is asking this he is rubbing his crotch area through his dressing gown.

I said ‘what you you want to trade’ (again maybe I’m naive but I thought he might want milk or something)

he said ‘you know a trade’ and then proceeds to get something out of his pocket and tried to hand it to me. And made me take it.

i opened it and it was lingerie shorts. - must have been his wife’s as they looked used as in old and worn.

and this point I hand the back to him quickly and said I’m not interested and repeated this three times and slammed the door.

today he’s been watching me through the window when I was outside and as soon as my partner came out he left the window.

I don’t feel safe and I want to move from this house. I feel as though it has escalated so quickly and he is clearly unhinged. AIBU?

my daughter was so unsettled yesterday after it and didn’t want to be in her own in her own house.
I feel dirty it’s horrid.

I would complain about the police but I would also never engage with him again, or when you have your ring doorbell explain clearly to him that his behaviour is inappropriate and then never speak to him again
It is absolutely harassment and a criminal offence it’s not for the police to second guess his understanding without interview

The police possibly won’t do anything until he physically harms you. As you are in rented accommodation I would move in your position. I know it costs money to move but a lot less than if you owned your home.

I think you're going to have to be a lot more direct with him. Next time he tries to engage you in conversation, I'd say "I'm NOT interested, now fuck off." If he's at the door, slam it shut. He's a dirty, old perv, I wouldn't be worried about hurting his feelings. Also, keep your doors locked at all times. Ugh, what a creep.

Hopefully if your husband keeps on trying to 'speak' to him then the guy will be too scared to come to your door again or approach you again. Your husband needs to be protecting you.

What a creep. I’d move.

So sorry this has happened to you. Especially in front of your daughter. Take care.

I was raped in my own home. Don’t answer the door at all if you think it’s him. Ring doorbell is a good idea. You can speak through it and say “go away, your behaviour is unacceptable” and it will be recorded. Lock your doors every time you come in. Don’t scare your daughter, but train her (mine is 14 now and still follows this rule) that NOBODY answers the door or unlocks it unless an adult is present. My DD still ignores even Amazon as instructed (pretends not to be in) if I’m out for something or she gets home from school before I’m home. Make locking doors a normal thing we do. Make ignoring someone at the door normal. Make being impolite to someone at your door (by ignoring them) a normal, not scary or awkward thing. Also arm yourself. I can’t say much as in the uk but don’t be vulnerable. We can teach kids safety without scaring them. Locking doors and ignoring strangers and staying out of sight of a stranger at the door is normal in my house. It was taught as just privacy in your home.

when I had an issue with a neighbour and logged it with the police they were very dismissive. A friend who is legally qualified told me to keep reporting and logging everything and to point out to the police that two or more incidents constitutes harassment.
I insisted a Sergeant come out and explain to me why they were refusing to deal with it.
They then did have words with him and he stayed away from me.

Log everything with the police, keep a diary of every interaction. As well as harassment it could also be considered anti social behaviour but comprehensive evidence is needed.

I also had a different neighbour who started to make inappropriate remarks to me, I was very blunt and told him to stop.
Please don’t be afraid to tell this man to leave you alone

OP this sounds awful. All of it, and even more so the police gaslighting you. Tell the neighbours. Get the doorbell. Keep access doors locked. Get a camera on your back garden covering the fence, so if he’s looking over there is a record.

If you live in a rented home I would be moving out as quickly as possible. Especially with a young child as well.

Send your husband round although surprised he would even need sending mine would need dragging back !

Ffs the police again do nothing, expecting women to manage perv behaviour like this. I hope you and your daughter are safe. Although this sounds like an odd sentiment considering what you and your daughter have already experienced. Curious, do you have ring? To record him?

His behaviour is horrific. I’d go round with your OH and hammer on the door, shouting through to him until he answers. Tell him (or shout through the letterbox) that you’ve reported the incident on x date, it’s logged with the police, and under no circumstances is he to approach you or any member of the family again. I’d have no qualms about being overheard.

I know how you feel op as I have been on the receiving end of a pervert neighbour. It made me feel so uncomfortable in my own home. He would be outside as soon as he saw me pull up in my car. He was married and his wife was lovely too. In the end I moved anyway due to other readings but before I did he tried to kiss me one night when I’d gone to put the bins out.
Keep a log op and keep reporting to the police until they actually do something

I would contact your landlord, they may do nothing, but they may go and speak to him or put up a higher fence or do an additional police report. It's not in their interest to have a neighbour issue unresolved.
I would also consider moving as you're renting, I wouldn't feel comfortable as an adult but definitely not with children. However if you do move ensure the estate agent and landlord are aware, and if possible let the new tenants know when they do move in so they know to be careful.

I'd tell him (through the door, preferably) that you've contacted the police about him, the next time he tries to speak to you. State plainly that you want to be left alone and refuse to engage in any other way. Continue to keep a log of and report any other weird or inappropriate behaviour.

Moving would be best, if you can, but in the meantime, I'd put up some type of cheap, temporary barrier (a row of sheets or blankets on a clothesline?) to block his line of sight into your garden. I'd use curtains or privacy window film to obscure his view through the windows that face his home.

Don't leave. He has taken your kindness as a weakness, vile man, do not tolerate any communication from him, be dismissive and rude, he has no issues with being disrespectful. Tell him firmly to fuck off.
Let him taste his own medicine.
Hopefully the police scare the life out if him.

in 5 years it’s such a change of character
Wife died 2 years ago. Big change.

• Ring camera (great you’re already on this)
• Call police, and make a complaint about the lack of action and the reference to you inviting it by being ‘too nice.’ Mention the behaviour that occurred in front of your child.
• Make a log of all incidents that have happened so far, and continue to log any future incidents.
• Do not engage with him at all. Do not open the door. Don’t tell him to go away, just don’t talk to him at all.
• have your phone video recording as you leave the house in case he approaches you.

Sorry you’re dealing with this. There are also stalking charities that may be able to advise further:

• Protection Against Stalking.
• Suzy Lamplugh Trust.
• National Stalking Helpline (tel:0808 8020 300 0808 8020 300)
• Paladin Service.
• Alice Ruggles Trust.

Oh, also, it’s irrelevant whether he has dementia or not. He’s a danger to you either way and it’s not your problem. Also, I’d bet quite a lot that he’s just a common or garden perv.

You can stick up kitchen foil on your windows to block them - ask your Landlord for help

Is he renting. Its not easy to move in the current rental market.
Hopefully you can get somewhere if he doesn't stop. Pick up a bottle of deep heat spray too.

This is surely the threshold for a sexual assault. Can you ask police for a Claire’s law enquiry about him? It would allow you to see if he has previous history of this. Also use reflective film on all windows. You can see out but he can’t see anything. Get a wind sail or wind breakers for the garden. Padlock any back garden gates. Please don’t allow your kindness to minimise these incidents. Loud, firm voice from now on if he approaches. Be clear and tell him go away! No explanation or excuses.

Can you report it to the police in the next jurisdiction from you (not sure how to word it - the police over from the ones where you live)? Just tell them your local constabulary aren't taking it seriously and have a bad reputation for dealing with women.

Also do you have a local District commissioner of police or someone higher up you can contact regarding the local police's incompetence?

Do any of the other neighbours know him well? Or knew his wife? Did they have any family you could approach? If it is a form of dementia as @rwalkermentioned it could be handled differently, he could be moved and you can stay in your home… if he’s a heavy drinker that can also cause dementia.

I mean this kindly, but you have been much too nice to him. At the first sign of creepy behaviour the creeps need to be shut down firmly "That is disgusting, do not speak to me again." DO NOT ever be polite in future with this man, you gave him time to escalate and that put you and your daughter at risk. If someone is touching themselves you shut the door immediately and call 999 / shout for help in public (e.g. "Police! Help me!" then tell any strangers nearby that he was masturbating.

For now find your local community police number to contact, they are more responsive in turning up to have a word rather than 111 / front desk. As the poster above said, be clear and do not minimise: he was not "rubbing his crotch" randomly, he masturbated in front of you and your 6yo, so be loud that you require at a minimum a police visit to tell him that is unacceptable, and for it to be logged so that when he escalates further the incident will be taken into account.

Private rental? Yes, I would move.