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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being made to feel bad for working part time with young kids

40 replies

Chocstrawberry1 · 19/04/2025 17:59

My sister has married a very well off man. He’s a good guy and we all get on generally.

My DH worked really hard to support us whilst I was off work to look after our 2 young kids (under 3). I have recently gone back to work 2 days a week to help financially with the household income and save abit too. My kids are at grandparents and nursery 1 day each.

My sister has recently been making remarks about how she would never go back to work after having a child (they don’t have any yet) and how it’s sad I have to go back as my husband should be sustaining us. I don’t usually let these comments get to me but I can tell she’s looking down on us. In this day and age it’s very rare that one parent can stay off work after kids permanently.

Should I speak to her about this?

OP posts:
Tartanboots · 19/04/2025 18:03

I personally wouldn't be talking to her at all after she's been so nasty about you and your H.

HoskinsChoice · 19/04/2025 18:03

Tell her that the 1970's want her opinions back and then how sad it is that she's prepared to sponge off her husband whilst showing a complete lack of ambition and setting back her chance of a decent career (and the money/pension that goes with it). I'd be ashamed to think like her.

ilovesooty · 19/04/2025 18:06

You aren't being made to feel bad unless you're prepared to give her ridiculous comments headspace.

ScaryM0nster · 19/04/2025 18:07

Yes.

She needs a reminder that words have impact.

You may want to gently point out that some people might judge her husbands employment to be unethical, that mothers who don’t work set a poor role model to their children, that some can’t afford to work and need to for their health and well being. And crucially, that all circumstances are different but being judged and made to feel guilty doesn’t do anyone any good. And maybe have a think on the example she sets her nieces/ nephews on that front.

MidnightPatrol · 19/04/2025 18:07

Tell her it’s important to you to remain financially independent and not be reliant on a man for your income.

Alternatively, just tell her to bore off and that she’s being offensive and unpleasant.

PatsFruitCake · 19/04/2025 18:08

I think both parents working creates positive role models for the DC regardless of financial situation. Your DC need to grow up understanding relationships are equal partnerships and that it's important for women to have financial independence.

Your sister might have a different perspective but she's putting herself (and potentially her children) in a vulnerable situation if her marriage breaks down or her partner can no longer work.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/04/2025 18:08

I think it's fine to have that preference for yourself and your own family but that's not an excuse to judge others for a different decision. I'd ask her to keep her opinions on this to herself.

GardenGaff · 19/04/2025 18:08

Tell her you would never make yourself entirely financially dependent on a man.

BethDuttonYeHaw · 19/04/2025 18:09

Your sister is a total bitch

arcticpandas · 19/04/2025 18:09

Tbf sometimes it doesn't make sense to work because you pay all in chilcare.

Rhaidimiddim · 19/04/2025 18:12

Remind her that this is the 21st century and suggest to her that she would be setting a really bad example to her children if she were to go trad wife.

Or tell her to mind her own fucking business and keep.her (poor) opinions of your husband and your choices to herself.

IdaGlossop · 19/04/2025 18:12

Appalling behaviour from your sister, who seems to lack the ability to climb out of her own Jimmy Choos into the Clark's of others. My DD went to nursery three days a week from seven months and thrived. At a family dinner, my high earning DB with a stay-at-home wife made the following pompous pronouncement: 'I wasn't having any child of mine being a nursery child.' I gave him a gob-full (no swear words) on the spot. Please do the same for your unsisterly sister 😡

CheeseAndHamToastieAndCrisps · 19/04/2025 18:16

Tell her to bore off.

Shes not even got children so how the fuck would she know how she would feel.

alwayslearning789 · 19/04/2025 18:19

PatsFruitCake · 19/04/2025 18:08

I think both parents working creates positive role models for the DC regardless of financial situation. Your DC need to grow up understanding relationships are equal partnerships and that it's important for women to have financial independence.

Your sister might have a different perspective but she's putting herself (and potentially her children) in a vulnerable situation if her marriage breaks down or her partner can no longer work.

@Chocstrawberry1

This post OP.

You do You. Childcare costs are temporary and Pension contributions are worth more the earlier they are put in.

She on the other hand can stop working if she likes. Life is long and unpredictable.

Nod, ignore and please don't let it get to you - It's a marathon not a sprint.

CornishDew · 19/04/2025 18:20

It’s all well and good her having that attitude until divorce and she needs to head out to work standing on her own two feet. However due to a long career break, she is not skilled for employment nor has she built up a substantial pension to live off in old age. In this day and age of high divorce rates, I would be uncomfortable relying on a man to provide the income for the rest of my life

I’d pop that view in the box alongside non-parents judgement of parents choices in food, screen time etc.

GardenGaff · 19/04/2025 18:28

I hope her husband truly is a "good guy".

She might drop the supercilious attitude if she finds herself having to go cap in hand to him to ask for money for a haircut or a new bra. You see far too often on the relationships board.

Ruffpuff · 19/04/2025 18:28

I don’t understand her perspective at all. 2 days a week is nothing and if anything the children get exposed to new experiences which may be beneficial to them.

‘Perfect parents’ like her are always people before they’ve had children. I would honestly tell her you’re not interested in her opinion or views on the matter and if she wants to play trad-wife then she can crack on…but then I am intolerant of people passing judgement on how others work full-time, part-time, or STAH. I’ve done all three and I’ve reached the conclusion that each experience is difficult in its own way and not all options will suit every family, whether it be down to financial factors or other.

I’ll never understand why people can’t just let others be.

pizzaHeart · 19/04/2025 18:40

MidnightPatrol · 19/04/2025 18:07

Tell her it’s important to you to remain financially independent and not be reliant on a man for your income.

Alternatively, just tell her to bore off and that she’s being offensive and unpleasant.

Edited

This^
And tell her the latter calmly using a bored tone of voice, don’t give her a satisfaction of emotional reaction.

Will see, by the way, her DH might have a very different view on that issue.

Suzuki76 · 19/04/2025 18:42

arcticpandas · 19/04/2025 18:09

Tbf sometimes it doesn't make sense to work because you pay all in chilcare.

This is all well and good until you're a mum of a primary-age child, not only trying to get back into the workforce after 5 years out but also into something where you can make school dropoffs and pickups work between you.

WhereIsMyLight · 19/04/2025 18:43

My sister has recently been making remarks about how she would never go back to work after having a child (they don’t have any yet)

”When/if you have children, you’ll realise how hard it is to stay home with small children. My husband is perfectly capable of supporting us. I go to work for me”.

Liz1tummypain · 19/04/2025 18:44

Yes, tell her to butt out. Or donate a few thousand quid every couple of months.

Mydadsbirthday · 19/04/2025 18:44

arcticpandas · 19/04/2025 18:09

Tbf sometimes it doesn't make sense to work because you pay all in chilcare.

Please stop thinking like this. Childcare costs are a family cost, and should be viewed as an investment into the woman's career, or future earning potential, or pension, or future security, or all of the above.

It's a lot of money but it's for a relatively short time and it's not helpful to express it the way you have.

Hatty65 · 19/04/2025 18:45

I'd say, 'What a rude and judgemental thing to say. IF you ever actually have children I hope no one is as critical to you about your own life choices'.

Said in brisk tone of voice.

arcticpandas · 19/04/2025 18:48

Suzuki76 · 19/04/2025 18:42

This is all well and good until you're a mum of a primary-age child, not only trying to get back into the workforce after 5 years out but also into something where you can make school dropoffs and pickups work between you.

Show quote history

I never went back to the workplace so I didn't have that hassle to deal with. Got a disabled child to deal with for the rest of my life so not playing Desperate housewives:).

Fupoffyagrasshole · 19/04/2025 18:49

I’d never quit my job! It’s so hard to get back into it if you step out.

ive been promoted twice since my daughter was born (she’s 4) and im Just about to go back after second maternity leave - I earn 16k more than I did when I returned after my first maternity leave.

if I hadn’t went back to work we’d have way less money. And also yes childcare is expensive - but it’s only for 3 more years!

time flies