How many boy-hood trophies does a man need to keep?

[Happyspendingthedayinthegarden]

Sorry for the long post, but after 5 years together DH & me are having the first disagreement that we've ever seriously had.

For context: DH & me have been an item for about 5 years when I moved to live in the bungalow opposite him. We got married 3 years ago, but, until now have retained our own homes - though in reality we spend most of our time in my home for convenience. I have a nicer bed, better TV & a dog with dog-proof garden. Whereas his bed is knackered, his garden isn't dog-proof (meaning either take dog over the road to mine or take her out on a lead to do her business) & his TV small & doesn't have pause/rewind etc.

We've decided ridiculous to spend 2 lots of Council Tax, Utilities etc & have had our offer on a bungalow on the same estate accepted. The new place is bigger than either of our houses, in perfect condition, lovely wrap-around dog-proofed garden & in all ways perfect for us. Means we can halve our expenses as only paying for one house rather than two.

Now the 'discussions' have started about what of his & mine we have room for...

I have (admittedly) a large collection of a certain Art Deco designer's ceramics. I am talking large-he doesn't know the half of it as I have stuff packed in bubble wrap in boxes - not the mention the stuff that I have on display.

He has a rather large collection of trophies that he won when at school (55ish years ago) including cricket balls & bats won for getting so many wickets/runs all in a cabinet - not to mention the rugby balls (won for getting so many tries in a game) that fall on my head every time to go into his wardrobe!

He's keeping on at me to get rid of my ceramics which I have been drip-feeding onto eBay. But I've said that I can't put too much on at a time as I will flood the market & they won't sell for what they're worth. He says that I need to get rid of all my ceramics as they're not used & no point in keeping them. I say what about all those balls & bats then? His argument is that he has 7 GC & is keeping one for each of them when he dies. He then points out that I have quite a lot of stuff inherited from my GPs, GGPs & parents to pass on to my one DS whereas he inherited nothing from his father & (for various reasons) very little from his mother.

His argument is that he won his trophies whereas I bought my ceramics so no sentimental connection. My argument is that I've built that collection over 45 years & yes, some items are sentimental as they have a connection with my father who encouraged me to buy these items & often bought them for me. I say to him OK keep some of your trophies - but how many cricket balls & bats from their childhood does one man need to keep in order to pass on to their GC?

I don't have GC of my own & I am unlikely to ever have them (another story) but I love sharing his & my will leaves his daughter most of my jewellery to her with the intention that they go to her daughters. His daughter (who I am very close to) also inherits my ceramics as she's often admired them & has said how much she admires that particular designer.

so - AIBU? Or should I suck it up & get rid of 90% of my Art Deco ceramics? If so I may as well box it all up & take it to the local auction house & be done with it.

Why don’t you pass stuff onto children and grandchildren now?

Why not give the stuff away now to his GC/daughter? What is the point of hoarding things in wardrobes or in bubble wrap for possibly years when you could hand them to people who will apparently appreciate them now and you get the joy of giving as well?

Haven’t you posted about this recently?

Your mistake is getting into details of what items are being stored as this is irrelevant. Define the cubic metres that can be fairly allocated for each person and use them to store whatever you want. If you don’t have space for all your things, decide whether to dispose of them, or create or rent more space.

Didn't you post this before?

A few on display, everything else in the loft.

Yes.

I see his point the he earned the trophies. I personally don't see the value in having a lot of stuff around. But your both clearly do, so you should each have the same amount of space for your stuff.

You're quite right, she did, only last week. OP, what was wrong with the last lot of answers?

Because GC under the age of 11 &, when I put it to his daughter that she could take what she wanted she got very embarrassed & said that she didn't fell comfortable with that as she's only my step daughter &, by rights, should go to my son.

I think I may have done - but it's come to a head this afternoon when we were de-cluttering.

Will his grandkids really want his cricket trophies! Just agree a space each and have what you want

It’s not a great sign if you’re already disagreeing over something so minor is it?

I'm sorry, just DH & me have never had a serious disagreement before I'm really upset. I don't deal with conflict very well & usually just give in, but have learned to stand up for myself. He's being really strident which isn't like him, but I suppose because we haven't lived together we have always had the option of going back to our own home in order to avoid conflict. We are having to learn how to live together & conflict is part of that. I've said to him that having differing views isn't a problem it's part of living together that we will have to get used to. It's how you deal with it that's the issue.

Please forgive me. I will look at PP to see what advice there was.

So go back to your previous thread?

My opinion is that this relationship is unlikely to work if you can’t agree on the contents of your shared house. Stay living separately surrounded by your collections of stuff.

They won’t be interested as sad as that sounds.

I doubt it - but as his father decided to leave everything to a cousin (parents divorced when DH was about 18) His older brother swooped down when his mother died & emptied the house leaving nothing for him & his other brother, he needs to leave something to his kids & GC

nobody will want his trophies and crap - he’s being ridiculous.

either you both get a cupboard or shelf or whatever to store your things (equal space) or you both get rid of it all

maybe stay in your separate houses ! Might be a better idea tbh

If he’s angry at you about your stuff, and you’re angry at him about his stuff, it looks like you might both have touched a nerve representing other issues. Collections can quickly become clutter and clutter can be a sign of unresolved trauma. I’m not saying this to be dramatic, im saying it because I have recognised patterns in myself where I find I’m walking a fine line between loving my possessions and being burdened by them

But no one is going to want someone else’s school cricket cups, any more than they’re likely to want to s of Lladrò or whatever. One small thing for sentimental value, maybe, but not vast amounts of space-consuming things that only had value for their original owner!

Thank you.

I'm beginning to think that might be the better option. It's worked well for the last 5 years.

I'm also thinking that it's more to his benefit than mine as I still work 3 days a week & have a pension that makes my income up to about £32kpa + a tidy sum in ISAs & other savings. Whereas he was self employed for most of his working life, only thought about buying himself a pension when in his late 40's (which is very small) &, although he has a large sum in savings, he's dipping into it every month to the tune of £2k a month - or so he tells me.

I will talk to him about it.

Because GC under the age of 11 &, when I put it to his daughter that she could take what she wanted she got very embarrassed & said that she didn't fell comfortable with that as she's only my step daughter &, by rights, should go to my son.

You are going to have to tackle this head-on, ask your son if he wants ANY of your ceramics, be clear that he should not feel obliged to take them and if he doesn't want them, you will give them to SD. That will determine if she is actually embarrassed or doesn't really want any of the stuff either.

Don't they say that as soon as you die, your treasure becomes someone else's junk?

The trophies are more important than the ceramics in this case. They were earned.

The link to your dad for the ceramics is tenuous at best.

But ‘leaving something’ to children and grandchildren generally means something of value, not fifty year old cricket trophies and rugby balls!

OP, does your new house have an attic? If so, can you both put most of your collections up there and just have a few bits on display? And you could swap out what you have on display, like a museum!

Other storage options are building a shed/similar structure in the garden, putting your collections into off-site storage, or looking at storage options at places like IKEA. They have chests/trunks, like kids' toy trunks, that you could put in the garage, perhaps, or your attic or spare room if you have one. It's difficult to advise accurately when I don't know the size of your living space relative to how much space your collections take up, but I feel as if there are many solutions to this.

You don't kniw they won't want them. Equal space for you both ( be that house or loft( and then up to you both what to fill.it with OP.