How many boy-hood trophies does a man need to keep?

[Happyspendingthedayinthegarden]

Sorry for the long post, but after 5 years together DH & me are having the first disagreement that we've ever seriously had.

For context: DH & me have been an item for about 5 years when I moved to live in the bungalow opposite him. We got married 3 years ago, but, until now have retained our own homes - though in reality we spend most of our time in my home for convenience. I have a nicer bed, better TV & a dog with dog-proof garden. Whereas his bed is knackered, his garden isn't dog-proof (meaning either take dog over the road to mine or take her out on a lead to do her business) & his TV small & doesn't have pause/rewind etc.

We've decided ridiculous to spend 2 lots of Council Tax, Utilities etc & have had our offer on a bungalow on the same estate accepted. The new place is bigger than either of our houses, in perfect condition, lovely wrap-around dog-proofed garden & in all ways perfect for us. Means we can halve our expenses as only paying for one house rather than two.

Now the 'discussions' have started about what of his & mine we have room for...

I have (admittedly) a large collection of a certain Art Deco designer's ceramics. I am talking large-he doesn't know the half of it as I have stuff packed in bubble wrap in boxes - not the mention the stuff that I have on display.

He has a rather large collection of trophies that he won when at school (55ish years ago) including cricket balls & bats won for getting so many wickets/runs all in a cabinet - not to mention the rugby balls (won for getting so many tries in a game) that fall on my head every time to go into his wardrobe!

He's keeping on at me to get rid of my ceramics which I have been drip-feeding onto eBay. But I've said that I can't put too much on at a time as I will flood the market & they won't sell for what they're worth. He says that I need to get rid of all my ceramics as they're not used & no point in keeping them. I say what about all those balls & bats then? His argument is that he has 7 GC & is keeping one for each of them when he dies. He then points out that I have quite a lot of stuff inherited from my GPs, GGPs & parents to pass on to my one DS whereas he inherited nothing from his father & (for various reasons) very little from his mother.

His argument is that he won his trophies whereas I bought my ceramics so no sentimental connection. My argument is that I've built that collection over 45 years & yes, some items are sentimental as they have a connection with my father who encouraged me to buy these items & often bought them for me. I say to him OK keep some of your trophies - but how many cricket balls & bats from their childhood does one man need to keep in order to pass on to their GC?

I don't have GC of my own & I am unlikely to ever have them (another story) but I love sharing his & my will leaves his daughter most of my jewellery to her with the intention that they go to her daughters. His daughter (who I am very close to) also inherits my ceramics as she's often admired them & has said how much she admires that particular designer.

so - AIBU? Or should I suck it up & get rid of 90% of my Art Deco ceramics? If so I may as well box it all up & take it to the local auction house & be done with it.

I lost MIL a year ago. She kept a tidy house, and was no means a hoarder - but, the amount of, lets face it, crap we had to try and get rid of.

I'm not talking silver christening spoons or anything - just the kind of stuff you fill a semi detached house with.

We donated a lot of it - as I would rather charities benefited, and we couldn't face the hassle of ebay and what have you.

Clarice Cliff?

it’s only storage. Box it all up and shove it in the loft/garage/under the bed.

i have a lot of crap which is no use but sentimental, including sports trophies. It’s boxed and stored. If and when I ever move if I don’t have space I’ll rethink.

I have done this - DS has specified some items from items that he wants from his grandparent's house that he knows belonged to his G. grandparents & beyond. But he has no interest in my ceramics or jewellery beyond my mother's wedding ring, my father's signet ring & the crosses & chains belonging to me & my mother which are specified to go to him in my Will.

"He said I need to get rid of my ceramics?"

I say tell him to take a hike!

I've just skimmed your other thread and read your latest update here. I think you've got bigger issues than ceramics and cricket balls to be honest. Is your DH now "retired" or still supposed to be working? Spending £2k of savings a month suggests his pension provision must be almost nothing! What is he going to do when that runs out? Presumably you have had serious discussions about finances and what your lifestyle together will look like, as well as how it is going to be financed? You also have concerns about his medium/long-term health.

You can be really logical about this and take emotion out of it.

Look at the available space in new home and allocate it fairly between you including display space, cupboard space, loft space.

Agree that you wont have random boxes in corners or behind the sofa.

You each fill your space as you wish. The rest needs to go or be boxed and into a shed or storage.

No arguments about what is more valuable or sentimental just fair division of space.

Yes, mostly Carice Ciff - but also lots of Susie Cooper.

I have a collector family too. If a house cant fit both your collections, it is not big enough. Both of you need to respect each others collections. He shouldnt be on you to get rid of your art deco ceramics, and you shouldnt be on him to get rid of his sports trophies. If you cant fit it all, see what you can do aboit buying garden studio for one of you to house their collection in.

If any of the GC are old enough to be trusted with one of the cricket bats, they should be given it now.

He needs to stop getting you to sell your stuff. You need to stop trying to make him get rid of his stuff. You choose how many ceramics you have, he chooses how many trophies he keeps, and you find some compromise in the display/storage. Bungalows tend to have large lofts.

We have just been through our loft. At no point did either of us pressure the other to get rid of a single thing. It's like trying to lose weight, it needs to come from the person themselves when they are ready.

I think you need to stay in separate houses.

Honestly, he couldn’t even be bothered to dog proof his garden or buy a decent bed so you could stay at his place, I’m sure it has been extremely convenient for him to make sure his place wasn’t suitable for you to stay at.

And now he’s dipping into his savings to the tune of £2k a month because his pension is so crap? Didn’t you also mention his failing health in your other thread?

Heard the phrase “nurse with a purse?”. Yeah I’ll bet he wants you to sell those valuable ceramics!

It's surely solvable? It's just space.
Sit down together amd work out what you both want to "display". The rest of it is boxed up and put in the loft. Someone else's problem when you are no longer here ( well that's what PIL did)

Thank you everyone for your help.

DH & me have had a calm discussion.

We've agreed that, at our age, we don't want to leave a houseful of stuff for his daughter (because it will probably be her) to sort out. So, we've agreed 5 cricket balls & 2 rugby balls to go to his GC (5 play cricket, 2 play rugby) the bats go. I will keep the 5 Art Deco tea/coffee dinner sets. I only have one full dinner set that is Susie Cooper & actually I think I'll get rid of that as has been in bubble wrap for the last 20 years so may as well go. I will get rid of the sundry cups & saucers, bowls etc but DH has specified certain items that he likes & would like to keep.

We've agreed that there's no need to keep his huge collection of CDs as we have a Smart Speaker & can listen to whatever we want whenever we want to.

I've suggested getting rid of my father's Staffordshire figurines - DH won't hear of it as he loves them - even the fake pugilists the irony! He says how my father used to be so proud of them even though he whispered that those were fake😂

Now we move onto the vinyl record collection.....let battle commence 😂

I think I just got myself into a tizz because DH & me don't usually have arguments. Yes, of course we disagree, but usually it's over & done with in a few minutes. There was the evening of his 70th birthday....but that was because he was pissed off that both sons forgot it & took it out on me.

He was so apologetic & asked if I was going to leave him. Of course not - I love the very bones of him & understood that it wasn't me, he was feeling old & neglected by his sons. His daughter, of course, made a big fuss of him (but we women do that don't we?)

But then cards/texts from sons arrived next day so all was fine.