To not go to wedding on other end of the country

Furiousfive · 2025-04-19T09:27:37+00:00

In the summer, DH step brother is getting married and we are invited (me, DH and our 2 kids). They live over 400 miles away which takes us a good 8 hours to get to (more if bad traffic which is quite likely at that time of year). When we go back to visit -yearly -we usually make it part of a several day visit to see DH parents (not the stepbrother as he lives elsewhere), but the issue is that the wedding isn't taking place during the school holidays. This means we'd have to leave after work/school on Friday, arrive very late, attend the wedding Saturday and then all of Sunday would be spend travelling back in order to be ready for work/school Monday. I don't really want to go due to the timings, the fact that DS is autistic and needs his downtime at the weekend from school, and want to suggest to DH that if he does want to go he could go alone. For background, he isn't close to stepbrother - there's a 20 year age gap and they didn't grow up together, and we see him at the odd family gathering maybe every 2-3 years. Is it unreasonable to suggest this? I don't want to be unsupportive but equally feel that the hassle outweighs the benefit of me and the kids going. If he does expressly say he wants us to go with him, I guess I'd go along with it (reluctantly!).

FamilyofTrees · 19/04/2025 10:29

Seems totally reasonable not to go! If you're not close they may well be totally fine or even prefer having a few less guests (if you've ever planned a wedding this may well ring true!)

Coffeeishot · 19/04/2025 10:32

It's up to you if it is a total hassle then just don't go, people might be miffed you are all not there but that's on them, if you wanted to go could you maybe fly then hire a car or take your Dc out of school for a long weekend?

CopperWhite · 19/04/2025 10:39

Not at all unreasonable to not want to drag autistic children 800 miles away for a wedding of people you aren’t close to in the middle of the school term, especially when you are supportive of your DH going alone.

It was kind of them to invite you all so I’d send a nice gift with well wishes and not worry about it.

neverbeenskiing · 19/04/2025 10:43

YANBU because I know there is no way my own Autistic DC would cope with an 8 hour journey afterschool on a Friday, followed by a long day attending a big event such as a wedding on the saturday and then 8 hours journey back on Sunday. That would be a definite recipe for meltdowns and they would almost certainly need the Monday off school to recover. Some of the pressure could possibly be relieved by you all taking the Friday off to travel and staying over the night before. But that means having to use annual leave, the expense of 2 nights in a hotel and possibly 2 days off school for DC (if they are exhausted on the Monday) which I would only be willing to contemplate for someone I was very close to.

BlondeMummyto1 · 19/04/2025 10:44

Send DH on his own.

MumChp · 19/04/2025 10:45

Husband would go here.

Fiver555 · 19/04/2025 10:46

Send DH alone. They'll understand that an 8 hour drive in a Friday night with kids, autistic or not, is going to be a nightmare. Send a lovely gift and card, and say you'll look forward to seeing the photos.

Can DH fly? Is there an airport nearby that would make it easier?

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 19/04/2025 10:47

I think you are being unreasonable.

I understand this will be annoying, that it will make the week before and the week after (not to mention the weekend itself) difficult and more stressful and it will require a lot of organising and time on your and DH’s behalf to calm and regulate your son.

But it’s a wedding. It’s not a random Sunday lunch, or even something else relatively big like a graduation or christening or 18th/21st/40th birthday. It’s that one time when family and friends all get together, people make an effort, hire the professional photographer, get the photos etc. I think people remember those that don’t attend their weddings.

I think, for this one occasion, I would go. I’d be annoyed, I’d be cranky, but I would hide it all and do it, because we make an effort, and do hard things to show up at the big occasions in life, and we want family/people to show up at the big occasions in our life.

dottydodah · 19/04/2025 10:47

Could you maybe fly? It would seem a better option .If this is not feasible then say the truth ,too long and difficult for DS .Send a lovely gift and tell DH hes welcome to attend alone

PickledElectricity · 19/04/2025 10:49

dottydodah · 19/04/2025 10:47

Could you maybe fly? It would seem a better option .If this is not feasible then say the truth ,too long and difficult for DS .Send a lovely gift and tell DH hes welcome to attend alone

Came here to suggest this. Driving 8 hours with children is madness imo. Fly and rent a car when you're there.

However your DP might appreciate a trip on his own, think you've just got to have a chat about it.

AutumnLeaves24 · 19/04/2025 10:50

CopperWhite · 19/04/2025 10:39

Not at all unreasonable to not want to drag autistic children 800 miles away for a wedding of people you aren’t close to in the middle of the school term, especially when you are supportive of your DH going alone.

It was kind of them to invite you all so I’d send a nice gift with well wishes and not worry about it.

Basically, this.

Only you know how your DS would cope with it.

But given everything you have said, it's not at all unreasonable for DH to go on his own or for him to decide not to go. But everyone's family is different and there may be some upset that you and the children aren't going so sometimes you have to weigh things up.

In your DHS position, I'd probably fly up on my own

Original poster

Furiousfive · 19/04/2025 10:51

Thanks for the replies - I'm relieved to see the concensus is I'm nbu. What was making he hesitate is that DH dad and stepmum will be disappointed as they'll see it as an opportunity for the kids to meet their 'cousins'. However they have no relationship due to only seeing each other fleetingly every couple of years and being very different ages.

Flying not an option as neither of us live anywhere near an airport.

OP posts:

Lanzarotelady · 19/04/2025 10:53

Furiousfive · 19/04/2025 10:51

Thanks for the replies - I'm relieved to see the concensus is I'm nbu. What was making he hesitate is that DH dad and stepmum will be disappointed as they'll see it as an opportunity for the kids to meet their 'cousins'. However they have no relationship due to only seeing each other fleetingly every couple of years and being very different ages.

Flying not an option as neither of us live anywhere near an airport.

Not all of us live near an airport! Come on OP, you must live nearer to an airport than an 8 hour drive!

Jshrbt · 19/04/2025 10:53

Not unreasonable but if you do end up going I’d take DC out of school for the Friday as a one off

Cucy · 19/04/2025 10:58

If I was DH I would probably jump at the chance to have a weekend away on my own.

I think it sounds like a great idea.

Of course if he does want you to go as a family then I would respect that and try and make the most of it.

FluffyBunnyTails · 19/04/2025 10:58

Nope not unreasonable. My dad is getting married in the summer…. On a thurs, during school term time and I’m going with my daughter (who’s not yet in school) and my autistic son will be staying with his dad. The 4/5 hour drive would be too much, he wouldn’t sit through the ceremony or wedding breakfast etc, has no idea what the day is about and it would be incredibly stressful for me. So he won’t be attending his grandads wedding, do what’s best for you and the children

TeenToTwenties · 19/04/2025 11:00

I too would say DH goes on his own due to the logistics and ASD.
I think as step brother has invited it would be good for him to go, even if not so close.

Heronwatcher · 19/04/2025 11:02

Could DH go with one of the kids? Then he or you take the one who is autistic either to see them or somewhere else when you have a bit more time.

There are thousands of threads here where step kids/ wider family have massive fallings out so I’d want to make the effort, plus two of my own kids would love it, but I don’t think YABU not to take your autistic DC.

Darkclothes · 19/04/2025 11:03

If you can't fly, what about a train?
You and DH could get a twotogether pass and save 30% off your tickets for a year. At least you could relax and sleep it needed.
https://www.twotogether-railcard.co.uk/

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pinkdelight · 19/04/2025 11:04

YANBU. DH can go. It's not in term time and any disappointment they may feel doesn't trump your feelings. They'll enjoy the wedding anyway, and you'll enjoy not having all that hassle.

Lanzarotelady · 19/04/2025 11:06

Or take both kids out of school Monday and Friday, make a weekend of it. Drive 4 hours long break or stay over.

Coffeeishot · 19/04/2025 11:08

My children's cousins live in an entirely different country with different age ranges family gatherings are perfect for them to meet, you are just looking for excuses now, it's absolutely fine not to go because you don't want to take your autistic child, but don't say family doesn't matter.

neverbeenskiing · 19/04/2025 11:17

Coffeeishot · 19/04/2025 11:08

My children's cousins live in an entirely different country with different age ranges family gatherings are perfect for them to meet, you are just looking for excuses now, it's absolutely fine not to go because you don't want to take your autistic child, but don't say family doesn't matter.

She didn't say "family doesn't matter".

I also don't think she's "looking for excuses", she's simply explaining why, in her view, the benefits of her DC interacting with their cousins who they see once every few years does not outweigh the logistical challenges of making a 16 hour+ round trip to attend the wedding.

Coffeeishot · 19/04/2025 11:21

neverbeenskiing · 19/04/2025 11:17

She didn't say "family doesn't matter".

I also don't think she's "looking for excuses", she's simply explaining why, in her view, the benefits of her DC interacting with their cousins who they see once every few years does not outweigh the logistical challenges of making a 16 hour+ round trip to attend the wedding.

Show quote history

She did say it she said well they only meet at these things they are not close, paraphrasing obviously, but I do think if she doesn't want to travel with her children that's reason enough.

Blackcountrychik83 · 19/04/2025 11:21

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 19/04/2025 10:47

I think you are being unreasonable.

I understand this will be annoying, that it will make the week before and the week after (not to mention the weekend itself) difficult and more stressful and it will require a lot of organising and time on your and DH’s behalf to calm and regulate your son.

But it’s a wedding. It’s not a random Sunday lunch, or even something else relatively big like a graduation or christening or 18th/21st/40th birthday. It’s that one time when family and friends all get together, people make an effort, hire the professional photographer, get the photos etc. I think people remember those that don’t attend their weddings.

I think, for this one occasion, I would go. I’d be annoyed, I’d be cranky, but I would hide it all and do it, because we make an effort, and do hard things to show up at the big occasions in life, and we want family/people to show up at the big occasions in our life.

Tell us you have no experience of autistic kids without telling us … jeez !
When you have autistic kids life isn’t about anyone else BUT them .