To not go to wedding on other end of the country

[Furiousfive]

In the summer, DH step brother is getting married and we are invited (me, DH and our 2 kids). They live over 400 miles away which takes us a good 8 hours to get to (more if bad traffic which is quite likely at that time of year).

When we go back to visit -yearly -we usually make it part of a several day visit to see DH parents (not the stepbrother as he lives elsewhere), but the issue is that the wedding isn't taking place during the school holidays. This means we'd have to leave after work/school on Friday, arrive very late, attend the wedding Saturday and then all of Sunday would be spend travelling back in order to be ready for work/school Monday.

I don't really want to go due to the timings, the fact that DS is autistic and needs his downtime at the weekend from school, and want to suggest to DH that if he does want to go he could go alone. For background, he isn't close to stepbrother - there's a 20 year age gap and they didn't grow up together, and we see him at the odd family gathering maybe every 2-3 years.

Is it unreasonable to suggest this? I don't want to be unsupportive but equally feel that the hassle outweighs the benefit of me and the kids going. If he does expressly say he wants us to go with him, I guess I'd go along with it (reluctantly!).

i don’t think you would be unreasonable to let DH go alone , he will also enjoy it better and he could probably save money sleeping on a relatives sofa than having to get a hotel. Maybe he could travel by train to take the strain off him driving that far . It will just all be so much less stress this way .

I think it depends what you mean by autistic.
If it could involve massive meltdowns ruining the whole wedding then might be better not to go. If you can largely deal with issues by removing him from the room and is a child who might of been in previous years been described as just odd or a bit difficult then probably good to go to keep up family bonds as your ds will probably struggle to make his own social circle

I didn't go to my BiL's wedding, because of the kids and school.
DH did go, and celebrate with his brother, but the logistics were about as bonkers are yours, and we didn't have an autistic child in the mix. He did fly (8 hours) for it tho.
It's an invite, not a summons. If it doesn't work for you, decline.

I can't say where we are as it's outing but trains are no faster - it's 3 changes and min journey time 7.5 hours. Airports are similar (and prohibitively expensive anyway). If we're going it has to be driving.

Autistic DS travels well but he finds being in big groups stressful and draining. No meltdown, he'd just retreat from everyone and hide away. It wouldn't be an issue if we could chill for a day or 2 after for him to recover but as it is he'd get no downtime. I think I'll talk to DH and see if he's keen to go and if he thinks his family will be upset if we don't - if so, I'll suck it up and go I guess.

Hardly outing for goodness sake, stop being precious.
Why not take them out of school for 3 days, tell them why, even if they don't authorise it, you can still take them.

I’d go and take the children out of school for a day or two to make it less tiring all round. But your call, obviously.

Why would it be outing? I mean if it's scotland to Wales or Cornwall to the midlands, nobody is going to figure out where you are

Exactly!

IF you were to tell us where from and to - ie Cornwall to Aberdeen, we could probably help you!

I think it's reasonable to propose that it's too much and just DH goes.

However YABU to put "cousin" in inverted commas if they are actually cousins. If you only see them at weddings and funerals, arguably all the more reason to attend and see them. It might be a long time until the next one.

When we do long journeys for weekends with our autistic DC (which we do for his special interest) we tend to break the journey with overnight stops. Book hotels that are en route, rather than at the destination and spread the travel over all 3 days.

You don’t want to go @Furiousfive it’s ok to admit that. So dh should go by himself.

YANBU but I’d be inclined to take a couple of days off school for this. You’d be killing two birds with one stone - if you visit your DH's parents yearly anyway I’d use the opportunity to spend a day or 2 with them while you are there. That would free up a week in the school holidays to spend time together or have the opportunity to go somewhere else.
Unless you don’t want to go to this wedding in which case you have a good reason not to go.

You visit them yearly as you said anyway, surely you could all go and this is your yearly visit. Or be honest and tell your DH you don't really want to go and he might actually be happy enough to just go alone.

If DH goes on his own, surely its safer to get the train, otherwise its a very long drive without sharing the driving!

I wouldn’t put my DC through that, even if DH preferred me to go.

@Blackcountrychik83 I do have autistic children

Both dd and I are autistic. If a scenario like this came up in primary, we would have gone, but taken Friday and Monday off. The short trip would have been too much. However, dd enjoyed extended family activities. She also recovered easily from the occasional missed school days.

for secondary school, we would just send DH. Too much disruption and no opportunity for recovery time on the weekend.

It’s his brother’s wedding…. I think you make the effort for this.

I don’t think YABU so discuss it with DH. If it’s particularly important to him that you all come, then I would try to make it work.

This is the crux of it.

YANBU at all. We've declined wedding invitations that were (just) in walking distance from us.

Don't go, politely decline, ask about a wedding present.

I can understand why a wedding is not in the school holidays, as more chance that others will be unable to make it, and hotel costs for anyone will be higher.

My son isn't ND and wouldn't want to travel 8 hours in the car, after school. So therefore I can't imagine a child who is ND coping with the journey, tiredness and different routine. If you are happy for your husband to go alone, then I'd suggest it and see what he says. Do you have family close to where you live? Would your children be willing to stay with them if you want to the wedding or is that not an option? I know some ND children wouldn't cope with this either but some would.