Tired of being the only one

[Burritowrap]

My partner and I have been together for a year and a half. We haven’t been actively “trying,” but we haven’t been preventing either—we’ve had unprotected sex, and we both know I want a child, and he’s expressed that he does too.

I take my health and fertility seriously: I don’t drink or smoke, I eat well, exercise, and I’m really conscious about creating the best possible environment for conception. But my partner is 14 years older than me, and he still drinks, vapes, and occasionally smokes weed. I’m starting to feel really alone in this.

This month, I timed everything right. I tracked my ovulation, took care of myself, and now I’ve started using ovulation strips and even booked a pre-pregnancy screening with blood work to make sure I’m healthy. Meanwhile, he’s been away on a two-week boys’ trip—drinking and smoking—and I just feel so let down.

I really want him to go for a fertility analysis, because I can’t help but worry that his lifestyle and age might be affecting our chances. But I know I’ll probably be met with “if it happens, it happens” or “I’m not ready anyway.” It hurts, because I do love him, and I don’t want to lose him—but I do want to start a family, and time is not exactly on our side, especially for him.

Can anyone relate? How do I navigate this? I feel like we need a serious, honest conversation—a reality check. But I’m scared of what that might mean.

'my partner is 14 years older than me, and he still drinks, vapes, and occasionally smokes weed.'

He is not good father material.

Don't have a child with him .

Honestly if he isn’t willing to help before the baby is even conceived ( fun part) what makes you think he will change when the going is tough with a screaming newborn ( seriously tough part) . Sounds like you want a baby and it’s a bit like meh he will do….

But think like a mother … is this the male role model you want for your child?

He doesn't want to be a father.
He doesn't even want to have a fully committed relationship.
He uses drugs.
He drinks.
He's refusing fertility investigations.

If he doesn't already have children, there's a high probability that he's infertile and running down your clock so that you're there to do all the work whilst he sits on his arse all day looking at an attractive younger woman.

You can do better than this, and your future children deserve better.

Does a 44 year old man who goes on 2 week! ‘lads’ holidays and takes drugs, sound like a man ready for parenthood??

Sure partners don’t have to stay in each others pockets even with kids they can have holidays/short breaks but imagine being left with a couple of small kids while he goes off to drink/smoke/get high for two weeks?

Urgh no thanks.

You’re only 30. Go and find a man who’ll be a good father. Thank your lucky stars you’re not pregnant and run!

To be honest have you really, really had a serious conversation about becoming parents? It all sounds a bit casual - you say you aren't 'actively trying' but then you are eating and drinking sensibly, exercising and 'preparing yourself for conception'. You say you both know 'you' want a child. He on the other hand is carrying on drinking, vaping, having lads holidays and generally acting like a single bloke.
Parenthood is really hard - I don't think you can just 'hope for the best'. You need to have a serious conversation to see if he wants to be a parent as much as you.

Responsible parenthood starts with the very careful selection of the other parent.

Getting pregnant is a journey not a destination. How will this man parent with you? he is 44yrs old, no kids but wants them, is drinking, smoking, going on 2 week lads hols and smoking weed. Of all the men on the planet, this is the father you choose for your DC?

What a catch. I'm surprised another woman didn't lock him down before you, OP.

You both need to be t- total and completely free of smoke and drugs for a doctor to even book an appointment

lack of effort on his part tells you everything you need to know

I’ve got a couple of male friends like this. Charismatic, funny, clever, would do anything for a friend. But would I inflict either of them as a romantic partner on a woman who wants a baby? Nah.

At 30, you have time but not masses of it. Find someone else. Don’t sleepwalk to age 35 with this guy.

This.

OP, please raise your bar out of the gutter and find someone else to have a baby with.

Hes very kind, considerate and fun.

lol these are NOT useful traits for someone to have a kid with

hardworking
does all the housework / cooking
caring
has lots of initiative

yes - kind, considerate and fun - he’s not putting himself out for you is he?

have one last chance convo then see what happens but you’d be better off having a child by yourself than with a useless man.