To not want to be the "fixer" anymore

[fallinlovenothate]

For as long as I can remember I've always been the friend that people go through when they're going through a shit time- I then generally get dumped again until the next crisis.

Around a year ago I made friends with a woman, who can be lovely, however she has gone from crisis to crisis... I've been patient, I've spent hours listening to her, I've helped her put things in place to help manage everyone situation, I've checked in on her- it's been draining and at points I feel like I've got nothing left to offer.

I've taken the last week to re-evaluate quite a few things, I work iny dream job and although I love it, it's very emotionally heavy, added in to the fact that I have 2 primary kids and about to start a degree, I no longer want to be the friend that constantly fixes others...

But how do I change my "role" in the friendship group? How do I stop being the person people come to to fix everything?

Just stop being so available

Can you afford some therapy? That could help you learn to have better boundaries.

I can't right now - however in July I'll have health insurance which will cover it. I'm already planning on taking advantage of that.

I've had my own struggles with mental health and I think thats part of the reason why I struggle with telling people no (I don't want anyone to get to a point I did) but I also know that I'll end up in burnout if I don't try change, I just don't know where to start

Any idea why you're more concerned about others well being than your own? https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/24/oliver-burkeman-book-extract-meditations-for-mortals-people-pleasing

This is a good read.

You make different choices. Ask yourself what was in it for you when you chose to regularly drop everything to be the shoulder to cry on, because, whether you are aware of it or not, you will have behaved like that for some benefit that accrued to you. Now that pattern of behaviour is no longer working for you. The costs are outweighing the benefits. I would think of your precious free time as a very finite resource, and choose to spend it doing things that sustain and nourish rather than drain you. That might be yoga, exercise, doing something creative, spending time with friends in a non-fixer role etc. Or making new friends and not setting yourself up as the fixer.

But I think there are two key things here — take some responsibility for having contributed to this dynamic (because if it’s happening in most or all of your friendships over a long period, it’s something you’re doing), and recognise that the only behaviour that you can change here is your own. You clearly can’t prevent your friends having crises, or telling you about them, only what you choose to do next.

Also I just saw a recommendation on another thread for a book called Let Them by Mel Robbins to help you stop people pleasing.

By spending more time on yourself and your own needs you will have less for other people. Changing your mind set is the important thing and you've already done that and realised what you need to do. Good luck. 💐

When people are offloading to you and you feel like you want to step in and offer solutions/fix things for them, take a deep breath and say nothing.

Honestly there's alot to unpack into why I've allowed it to continue 😅 (thankfully therapy is on the horizon)

I never really had friends growing up, I have abdonement and self esteem issues... It became a case of if I help them then maybe they won't leave, which is stupid because they'd go quite when I wasn't useful for their needs.

That's really good advice! Thank you

Ohh I'll give it a read, thank you!

Say Marge comes crying to you about her latest crisis. You listen and sympathise and tell her she’s a wonderful person. Then you suggest that they talk to a counsellor.

They will probably refuse, because you are their free counsellor after all.

Next time Marge calls you for a heart to heart, you make small talk about other things, and when she brings up the heavy subject say “Well Marge, I don’t know what to say or suggest, have you thought about the counselling any more?”

She will likely say that she doesn't need suggestions, just somebody to listen, so then you have a choice. Either you let her know that you don’t have the emotional capacity to listen after a day at work and reiterate the counselling option.

Or (and this is what I do with my needy friends) plan a time that suits me and I have some patience in the tank, and just Listen. No suggesting. Just empathising “oh dear me” “really, I’m so sorry” and nodding along. They will eventually talk themselves out. And as you have clarified between you that all they want is somebody to ‘listen’, that is all they are getting. If they ask your opinion bat it back with “I’m not sure, what do you think?” and the conversation will either be therapeutic for them as they have got it all off their chest (whilst being minimally taxing on you), or it will be disappointing for them because they weren’t really honest when they said all they wanted was somebody to listen, and you have made it clear they really will have to go to somebody else if they want advice or somebody to chew the fat alongside them.

I have been in exactly the same situation. I would just quietly back away till you get to a level which is sustainable for you. Some people always have drama. It's fine to help and support them but make sure it's at a level you are happy with. I have found that the best way to do this is to create boundaries, so if she is messaging a lot, only check messages from her once a day. If she wants to see you all the time, just commit to one a week or once a fortnight. Socialise in a bigger group so she can't pin you down to talk about all her stuff etc

This is really good advice! Thank you

If you have to reply, try to say something neutral like "that must be difficult". Or ask a coaching type of question such as, "what do you think you should do first?" Turn the focus onto them solving their own problems. Tell them at the outset you won't offer advice but will listen. I have been a fixer all my life and it's hard to move away from wanting to solve others problems. The best advice given up thread is to say nothing

Try reading ‘the subtle art of not giving a fuck’. Helps with recognising that others people’s shit is THEIR shit, not yours and that you choose what to ’let in’ and what not to. You have many other demands on your time and self-care needs also, and being so generous with your headspace and time has not served you well.

People will still like you even when you say no and protect your boundaries. More importantly, YOU will still like you. Starting to say no and protecting boundaries will surprise and piss some people off while they get used to the new more assertive you, but tough - you’re not the world’s doormat.

I think there’s something similar that often looks like people pleasing.

Some people are just more altruistic and have a genuine need to make the world a better place, sometimes at their own expense. They can’t resist helping people.

The solutions are probably the same as for reducing people pleasing, better boundaries etc.

In the meantime, pursue finding books or stuff online to help you preserve your own emotional resources. Sometimes labelling yourself as a people pleaser
can make you think it’s a personality failure, whereas being genuinely a kind and altruistic person can only be a good thing (as long as you keep yourself protected).

Just be aware that a lot of people won’t be like you. Not because they are selfish or bad, just because they operate a different way. Just be prepared that some friendships will fade when you are no longer such a selfless person with them.

Your children will remember your love and compassion for their entire lives.

Have a Google on the drama triangle

So your role is the Fixer in your friendship group and now it's taking it's toll. I can tell you what I did (been there): I started to ask for help to let others step up for me as well. That changed the dynamics: I didn't have to be the one who was always strong.

That’s great that you have that level of insight — some people can get very defensive about their own people-pleasing, if asked to view it in terms of choices they made to obtain a particular result. Which is almost always from a position of insecurity, and trying to ‘lock in’ friendships by providing services, and understandable.

The problem is, though, that it doesn’t work (as you’re discovering).

If you present yourself as the shoulder to cry on, the person with no needs or personal crises, you become a semi-invisible service provider, not a full and equal person in the friendship, with her own needs, problems, etc. You’re the crisis helpline on the day someone’s feeling fine, or the garage mechanic when the customer’s car is running fine — not relevant, not thought of. No one calls up the Samaritans to check that a volunteer listener is doing ok.

It happens so often on Mn that this happens, and a lot of posters start throwing around cries about ‘cheeky fuckers’ and ‘users’. I don’t think this is helpful, as it removes any responsibility from the people-pleaser themselves, and presents their friends as 100% exploitative.

OP, I would think hard (in therapy, once you start, too, but you can certainly start now on your own) to think about the role you take on in friendships. Is it even possible that you are unconsciously choosing as friends people with problems, so you are needed to help and support? (My mother does this, unconsciously but perpetually choosing people who are ill, in crisis situations, have poor MH, are unlucky etc because it makes her feel needed. I can even hear her switching off if I happen to phone her in a good mood — unconsciously, she clearly hears happiness and confidence as ‘There’s no need for you here.’)

Slightly reformed fixer here. I second therapy too but for a practical tip..

Next time she comes to you with a problem, instead of leaping to fix it for her say “oh dear, what are you going to do?” . Practice variants in the mirror (seriously). Imagine her coming to you with a problem and practice saying “That sounds messy, what’s your plan?” “it’s so irritating when that happens isn’t it?” Or appropriate variants of that

I was that person, to the extent that I spent 25 years trying to problem solve and fix a highly abusive marriage.

Therapy taught me boundaries. You decide how much you want to give, and if you re asked to give more, you think hard about whether it is going to breach these boundaries before you respond.

Regarding this situation:

Stop checking in on her.

If she calls you and asks to meet up, decide if it will make you feel better or worse that day. If it will make you feel worse, you just say, sorry, you already have plans. You don't need to justify.

Remember, some people always create chaos around them. It is not your job to fix them. If you don't, they will simply drop you, and move on to someone else.

I was terrified that I'd end up bitter and unkind, but actually I think I'm a better friend now to my real friends.

This is brilliant advice.

I’ve also stolen a great line from my DH who will say “Yes, you said,” if people moan about the same thing multiple times.

To change this, do three things:
Ask for help as frequently as you need it, from people who lean on you. They will probably sidle away and find some other mug to take from without having to give back, but they may be supportive and if they are, you're in a more equal friendship.

Next, don't respond much if new 'friends' start leaning on you. Be non committal. Kind, but no more than others.

Finally, learn to value light hearted friendship. I used to think real friendship meant heart to hearts about problems. Now I think real friendship is 90% a good dog walk and chat about holiday plans or sharing gardening tips. Small talk but upbeat and warm. It restores you, not drains you.

I actually ordered the Sarah Knight books (the life changing magic of not giving a fuck, get your shit together, fuck no, you do you and get your shit together) so I'm hoping they can help!