To not want to be the "fixer" anymore

[fallinlovenothate]

For as long as I can remember I've always been the friend that people go through when they're going through a shit time- I then generally get dumped again until the next crisis.

Around a year ago I made friends with a woman, who can be lovely, however she has gone from crisis to crisis... I've been patient, I've spent hours listening to her, I've helped her put things in place to help manage everyone situation, I've checked in on her- it's been draining and at points I feel like I've got nothing left to offer.

I've taken the last week to re-evaluate quite a few things, I work iny dream job and although I love it, it's very emotionally heavy, added in to the fact that I have 2 primary kids and about to start a degree, I no longer want to be the friend that constantly fixes others...

But how do I change my "role" in the friendship group? How do I stop being the person people come to to fix everything?

@PowderMonkeysi think some it is a case of choosing people who have poor MH/are ill- some of these friends are people I met during my own MH crisis, and although they're lovely people they've never really been stable for a long time. The issue when it comes to those friends is that because I now work in mental health and have gained even further insight into crisis management/pathways/the who system, it's become even more obvious that I'm the person they turn to in a crisis.

And the others are people I've been friends with for a long time who have just naturally had some shit stuff to deal with over the last few years (family bereavements, sudden health issues that couldn't have been predicted type stuff) a couple of them are fab and there is some mutual support there but I also don't tend to talk about my issues and feelings I'm more of a keep quiet and deal with it alone kind of person (again something I'm aware of, and aware of where it comes from but also something that needs to be unpacked in therapy)

Needy people smell out those they can use.
Be unavailable.
Be busy.
Don't answer the phone or texts for a couple of days.
Work was busy.
You were unwell.
Haveca list of excuses and simply not bd available.
Users move on when they don't get fed what they want.
Better no friends than user friends.
When you stop giving off the vibe of being a fixer.
You WILL attract nicer people.
Learn the gift of silence and nodding sympathetically but offering NADA.

@fallinlovenothate

I think you're doing a knee-jerk reaction to people please. This is not uncommon and something that needs to be worked on, from what you've said.

You need to work on some stock answers which when you use these practised answers will gain on your confidence.

I was like this for many years until I practiced and used stock answers. I didn't like being caught unawares but when I had answers I gained confidence.

I agree with the pp's who suggest stock replies such as "oh dear", "that's awful", "how frustrating", "really?", "poor you, that's so hard", and so on.

Ah look up the drama triangle - you are taking a rescuer role in life..will really help you understand

there is a winners triangle you can move to where you transform that role into a mentor rather than actually rescuing people

I've actually done this the past 12 months and I found a slow step back worked best , be less available, take longer to message back or return their call , usually by then things have calmed a bit . I also found talking more about how busy you are helps as well . Sadly taking this step back caused a few people to no longer be in contact but it showed they were only using me to off load, one friend in particular got very nasty about it but that's about them not me. I wasn't put on this planet to fix peooles problems

This isn’t stupid…you’re trying to get a different answer to the one you got growing up in attempt to heal that wound.

BUT

you are unwittingly setting yourself up for more of the same if you keep rescuing people

develop boundaries is the answer and good relationships you can rely on will follow

OP, your post really resonated with me. I've also been the 'old reliable' fixer friend. A stranger told me I have a 'counsellor voice' the other day 😭

I've stepped back from a few friendships that I felt were one-sided and feel much better for it.

I've also been honest with friends who I feel have taken me for granted e.g. 'I don't always want to be the one organising things' and 'I feel used if someone is constantly asking for favours. If we can't just enjoy each others company, I feel that there is something wrong'.

I oftem get told I should be a counsellor 😂 (I'm actually starting a psychology degree oddly enough!)

I think I need to, I've actually muted a couple of people on WhatsApp today and it's felt weirdly freeing

I thought I'd come update this thread because it's been a rollercoaster of a week 😂

I started to withdraw support from the person that kicked all of this off and made me realise I didn't like the dynamic.. I was less available, and not offering solutions but still there in a kind of like oh yea it's shit kinda way... She obviously didn't like because she's now blocked me and our mutual friends on social media 😅

Not the least bit surprised. Well done.

Lean into exactly how much of your time you WASTED being her endless support.

Lean in to exactly how quickly she blocked you when you stepped back from providing an endless free ear.

Learn from the above.
Practice not offering advice or support for the next 6 months.

You have enough going on.
Just offer nothing. Absolutely nothing.
People will fade away, you may have the odd moment of loneliness BUT the extra energy and headspace will be worth it.

You will attract a better type of people.
Healthy people who don't dump on the first ear they meet.

Lean into all of this and what you want to learn, practice, and attract going forward.

A much better life awaits you.

@fallinlovenothate blocked your mutual friends too?!! Seriously, you’ve had a lucky escape from this ‘friend’. Bet you’re breathing a huge sigh of relief!

I was gonna to suggest this. Its not necessarily a choice between being a fixer Vs ignoring them/shutting them down. You can sympathise without directly helping.

'Oh no that's AWFUL' instead of 'have you tried x,y,z, I can show you.'

If you think you can't moderate like the above because it's so difficult to adjust your patterns then yes perhaps bring less available is best.

I sympathise as I've had to do something similar. Unfortunately I can't really avoid them as they are a family member. Helpful suggestions often don't work anyway. I'm convinced that some people just enjoy a moan and all they require of you is to sit and agree how bad it is with them. If you would be happy with that relationship then go for it.

You may find that you naturally step back as you are simply too busy.

I actually don’t think being a ‘fixer’ is at all a good qualification for a career in counselling — quite the reverse. Especially as what you describe in your OP sounds as if your ‘fixing’ involves poor boundaries, if you’re continually being dropped by friends when they’re not in need of a shoulder during a crisis. But all the reputable therapy training I’ve ever had any experience of via family and friends has involved extensive therapy for the trainee, so I imagine that’s something you would address if you dud choose to train.