Not getting along with step-sibling as adults

[sheenaWild]

Hi all, throwaway account for fear of doxxing, I’ve got a number of step siblings who I get along with well and one I don’t at all who is the most similar age to me (early 30s). They have a number of MH conditions which my dad & his partner on that side blame for their intense selfishness, criminal behaviour and general inability to get on in life. Fine most of the time, I can avoid them well enough as we don’t live near each other. For context, I’ve gone out of my way to be good to them before helping them secure accommodation through my work (known each other over 15 yrs) with absolutely nothing given in return. They’ve been arrested/ charged recently for a booze-fuelled assault on a uniformed officer, at the last family party I put on they stole alcohol from my house (it was BYOB and they didn’t bother to) and littered my front garden with cigarette ends ignoring the black bin next to the door - all other attendees non smokers. They were addicted to drugs in their late teens so didn’t see much of them for a few years but apparently clean now. They never offer to pay for or contribute things when my DF invites us out for a meal, I find them intensely entitled and my bio sibling also dislikes them.

my DF is wanting to pay for us all to go on a holiday to celebrate a few big birthdays, of which I’m very grateful as I can’t afford to take my family abroad, but absolutely dread the thought of due to the SS incessant whinging and dramatic behaviour. DF would absolutely not tolerate the thought of not inviting SS but also won’t hear of us not going as I’m the only one to have had children. I don’t think I can deal with their crappy attitude for a fortnight without a giant bust-up! What do I do?

YABU - it’s not about you
YANBU - you shouldn’t have to put up with this

You don’t go.

DF doesn’t get to tell you what to do. DF needs to respect you as someone who lives a good life and works hard to parent well. You don’t need to respect him in return if he has no respect for you.

You parent your children by not subjecting them to your SB’s behaviour when they have no escape route.

Sometimes, principles are there to be lived by, not just spoken.

What is doxxing?

Ah tricky as holidays are expensive so I wouldn’t want to refuse a free one either.
How many people would there be and what sort of accommodation?
If it was a hotel I might be tempted to say yes as you would have enough of your own space to escape to, a big house not so much as it’s hard enough sharing a villa even when you all get on.

Don’t go.

Or do go but have a strategy in place for dealing with it - eg explain to your dad you need X time away from this person for your immediate family - if your Dad won’t agree to this then don’t go. I would put your children at the front of your reasoning to your Dad - my own feelings apart, I wouldn’t want my children to spend much time around someone like this.

Why are you bothering with this bunch of feckless, entitled and ungrateful losers . I think you've done your wack.

Your father may not like it but that’s too bad. You’re not a child anymore and he can’t force blending on adults. If your father is unhappy you’re not the cause of that, it’s the consequence of him tolerating your SS’s bad behaviour.

This is not a free holiday Op, the price is doing as your Dad asks and pretending you're all a close happy family. Maybe a week would be OK but two weeks with someone you clearly really dislike? If you know it will all end in tears then say No, you'll ruin your Dads holiday and family gatherings will be so bloody awkward after

but also won’t hear of us not going

That's not his choice. Say no and keep repeating it.

If you want a free holiday you will have to suck it up. If you don’t want a free holiday then just say no🤷‍♀️ calling someone a thief for not bringing their own drink to a party is rather dramatic so I imagine you are also making the situation worse tbh

not arguing over semantics - I wouldn’t go in someone’s cupboards and drink what wasn’t mine when I was a guest. If not stealing it’s shit manners.

What do you mean when you say your father won’t hear of you not going?

I have adult DC and would respect any decision they made not to come on holiday with me. Is he a horrible bully?

Of course you shouldn’t go. It sounds like it would be awful.

You don’t have to go. It doesn’t matter what your DF will or won’t hear of. He can’t physically force you.

You need to have a conversation where you explain that you really appreciate the gesture and think he’s very kind and generous, but that you have to put your kids first and you don’t think a fortnight away with SS is in your children’s interests given past behaviour. If he tries to persuade you just keep reiterating that you’ve made your decision and don’t want to discuss further.

You could suggest that you & your kids could go away separately with DF (offer to pay your own way) if he wants to holiday with the kids.

Thanks, this is a very helpful strategy!

That’s the bit I find super distasteful, but you are right - nothing is free right?

Yes it’s a hotel, we have done villas when we were all teens, but they didn’t end particularly well as my DF & partner are functional alcoholics. That was without the SS though as this was during the height of their addiction.

DF is a functional alcoholic with autism (holds down a good job, keeps a reasonable house), but has a short temper and lashes out sometimes. He is bullying sometimes as he only sees things in black and white. He is however, extremely generous to everyone around him, works hard if any of us kids ever need help with DIY and things and is funny and interesting to talk to though, so I overlook his faults.

Could you use your children as an excuse? If its a celebration for multiple big birthdays surely there will be drinking and late nights? Just say you want everyone to enjoy themselves but you think having children there will make things awkward?

Why would you go? Just because holidays are expensive is no reason to set off knowing you’ll have a terrible time for 2 weeks. It won’t be a nice holiday. staying at home would be better.

say to your dad that you hope he has a lovely time but you don’t want to spend 2 weeks with step brother. Keep saying no, keep saying it’s step brothers behaviour that’s stopping you, not dad or step mum. Don’t dance around excuses.

In light of this update OP, I would be politely declining. A holiday with parent/step parent who are alcoholics would be a no from me, never mind a step sibling who has recent criminal behaviours. I absolutely would not want my child to witness any of this, even if it was the only way to have a holiday abroad.

Well that’s yet another reason not to go on this holiday. You want to expose your DC to a fortnight with an alcoholic man on his holidays?!

I can't think of any holiday experience that would be amazing enough to justify subjecting my children to this person.

So she was a guest but had to bring her own drink? And if she served herself a drink of yours she's a thief? Sorry, this doesn't make any sense.
Anyway if you don't want to see her you're free to decline your father's invitation even if he insists.

If your father doesn’t already know what it is that you don’t like about her, then tell him - gently but clearly.

I wouldn’t want my children around someone who behaved how she does, even if you minimise it to being completely at odds with what you consider acceptable within your own home/family. As she is a family member, it kind of makes it more important to keep your children away from her in the sense that they might feel that it’s ok because auntie xxx does it , whereas they are unlikely to feel that way about someone not as close.

While he will have loyalty to his daughter and not exclude her from the holiday, he should also have sufficient loyalty to you and common sense to see why you don’t want your children around her 24/7 for 2 weeks.

But that will mean missing out on the holiday unless you can stay nearby and just dip in and out. I suppose it boils down to weighing up how bad she is against how bad you want that holiday. I say that holiday because it won’t be the only opportunity you ever have for a holiday. Whatever money you would spend while you are there, set aside for a holiday that will suit you better.

Are you even allowed to associate with this person? Some jobs eg the police you would have to fill out a form with that person listed as a criminal associate. It would be helpful if your job wouldn’t encourage the relationship.
otherwise just say to your dad, as a previous poster has said that your children are your priority and you won’t have them spending any more time with this person.
If your dad doesn’t like it then so be it.

If your DF adds to the problems as well, there is no way I’d be going. A free holiday isn’t worth it