Not getting along with step-sibling as adults

[sheenaWild]

Hi all, throwaway account for fear of doxxing, I’ve got a number of step siblings who I get along with well and one I don’t at all who is the most similar age to me (early 30s). They have a number of MH conditions which my dad & his partner on that side blame for their intense selfishness, criminal behaviour and general inability to get on in life. Fine most of the time, I can avoid them well enough as we don’t live near each other. For context, I’ve gone out of my way to be good to them before helping them secure accommodation through my work (known each other over 15 yrs) with absolutely nothing given in return. They’ve been arrested/ charged recently for a booze-fuelled assault on a uniformed officer, at the last family party I put on they stole alcohol from my house (it was BYOB and they didn’t bother to) and littered my front garden with cigarette ends ignoring the black bin next to the door - all other attendees non smokers. They were addicted to drugs in their late teens so didn’t see much of them for a few years but apparently clean now. They never offer to pay for or contribute things when my DF invites us out for a meal, I find them intensely entitled and my bio sibling also dislikes them.

my DF is wanting to pay for us all to go on a holiday to celebrate a few big birthdays, of which I’m very grateful as I can’t afford to take my family abroad, but absolutely dread the thought of due to the SS incessant whinging and dramatic behaviour. DF would absolutely not tolerate the thought of not inviting SS but also won’t hear of us not going as I’m the only one to have had children. I don’t think I can deal with their crappy attitude for a fortnight without a giant bust-up! What do I do?

YABU - it’s not about you
YANBU - you shouldn’t have to put up with this

This just gets worse @sheenaWild , I'm sorry to speak badly of your family but your DF isn't very generous, he gives you things to make up for his anger and bullying and he and his partner drink way too much_ this sounds like the holiday from Hell.
I'm not a parent but if I was there is no way I'd subject my DC to this, unless your DC are very young they're going to pick up on the tensions and the drunkeness. Better for them to be relaxed and happy in the UK than this

would I not be a terrible person though for ruining my DF’s ideal of how he’d like to spend a big birthday, with all his family (some of whom also celebrating milestone birthdays)? My mum when I talked to her (separated for 20 years) has certainly made me feel like that, which is why I would go to keep the peace

• go for a week
• Ask to be in another hotel
• Ask to be at the other end of the hotel

Essentially do something that puts some separation between you all. They personally I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to say no, because they sound hideous. And that you have already been too generous in the first instance.

I would tell you Dad that the only way you’ll go and bring your children is if step brother doesn’t go. Then the onus is on him to make a choice.
You’re going to have a bust up with step brother anyway, whether it’s on holiday or here. Might as well be here.

If you really need this spelling out to make a judgement fine - DH & I don’t drink at home at the moment as we’ve children under 3 and the hangover isn’t worth it. I hosted a party over a bank holiday, told everyone I was doing food but not providing booze so if they wanted to drink bring your own. Step sibling ignored this, went in my cupboard and opened a personalised bottle of champagne from our wedding five years ago. That’s is really rude and if you can’t see that, then I suggest you move on from this thread

Your dad can choose who he invites but he can't make you and your family go. It's fine for you to say no to a holiday that you wouldn't enjoy due to your step-sibling's behaviour.

It doesn’t sound like a holiday that you and your family are going to enjoy. It’s not really a free holiday - he’s paying so that you suck up everyone else’s bad behaviour and can’t complain because you know what they are like and you accepted the free holiday.

I would do something special with my dad on another day or go on the holiday and be prepared to whisk your family off when the heavy drinking began The worst thing you can do is normalise their behaviour in front of your kids and them being dragged into alcoholism when they are older.

You literally could have Googled this.. but it means outing yourself, showing who you are or where you live etc.

You are not responsible for your father’s happiness on his birthday. He wants something that doesn’t exist, you aren’t one big happy blended family. You don’t love your step-sibling like they are your own blood. You don’t particularly enjoy the thought of a family holiday with your dad even if your step sibling wasn’t going, because he’s an alcoholic- this is his own fault.

your dad can’t have a big happy family holiday, at best he can spend a lot of money for you all to have a miserable time together. The Waltons style great time away isn’t possible given who the people involved are.

what he wants isn’t possible. So you get to decide do you want to waste your own time and his money to make him find out the hard way, or do you just say no and make him come up with a more realistic idea of how to celebrate his big birthday.

Your father's alcoholism and short temper are other reasons for you not to go.

Don't subject your children to your step-sibling's behaviour and your dad's alcoholism and bad temper. It sounds like a very disfunctional family.

You don't have to go on a holiday you don't like the sound of. You can thank DF for inviting you and say you have other plans.
You also don't have to invite step siblings to your parties.
If you don't get on with them, you really only have to see them when you accept an invitation to your dad's eg for Sunday lunch. I bet they are easier to cope with in someone else's home.

Of course you wouldn't be a terrible person. The fact that you don't keep alcohol in your home because you have young children shows how badly you have been affected by having an alcoholic father and step-mother. Your step-sibling also has a drink problem. It is likely that everyone except you and your DH will be driving heavily on their holiday, so you are perfectly reasonable to want to keep your children away from this.

I’m sure it does written down, in reality my DF is like lots of people in this country who drink to excess in their own homes. He’s successful in other areas of his life, still my dad and I love him, and it’s easier to keep an arms length distance at home whilst still maintaining a relationship

Thank you, that’s very kind. I didn’t expect to tear up at a comment on here!

I can completely see why you are conflicted. It sounds as though you can cope with your father’s drinking because you love him and he has lots of compensating good character traits. It’s not surprising you find a step-sibling’s behaviour hard to tolerate. You don’t love them and wouldn’t choose to be friends with them and having to spend two weeks with someone you don’t like is incredibly difficult.
How open are you able to be with your father about your feelings towards your step-sibling?Is he accepting of the realities of your relationship with them? Will he feel comfortable with you doing things separately sometimes? Would he be ok with you going for a week?
In the end, you can’t control your DF or SS’s behaviour so the real question is, can you muddle-through the whole thing without getting upset? It sounds as though you have a realistic handle on how it’s likely to go so can you practice letting it wash over you? Do you have a supportive partner who can look after the kids if you need to take yourself off?

No. By going you would be prioritising your dad over your own children. Bad choice.

You wouldn't be ruining your dad's birthday, OP. You can still make a fuss of him on another day and give him whatever present he'd like. If he presses for you a reason you don't want to come on the holiday, you can tell him that you don't like your children to be exposed to parties where lots of booze is consumed, and you expect that this event will be like that, especially with no other children present. You have the right to speak your truth so long as you do it respectfully.

I wouldn't want my young DC around SS and I think that would be my main reason for saying "No". I would frame it like that to your DF and be firm, perhaps when he realises you're serious he'll think twice about having such a destabilising influence along on a family holiday.

You are in your 30s. Your dad can't ground you or take your phone if you say no.

He can have whatever birthday he wants. You don't have to go along. You have your own life and frankly, keeping the drama away from your kids should be your priority.