Husband's extreme diet is worrying

[Peekaboooooo]

My dh has always been erratic with his food likes and dislikes and has a very all or nothing approach to food. In recent month, this has got more extreme. He is now on the carnivore diet and it mostly eating mince, eggs and chicken. He was eating porridge, veg, fruit, nuts and kefir a few weeks ago but he's now eliminated those too. He won't eat potatoes or grains now and very very rarely will he ever have a treat. If he does, it's something like a bit of 85% dark chocolate.

He's 37, 5ft 10 and just over 9 stone. So he's underweight. He says he's doing this to heal his gut as he has self diagnosed leaky gut. As long as I've known him he's had flair ups of ibs but I believe that's more down to his anxiety. He has some complex ptsd and anxiety problems, long term.

I've asked him to see a doctor which he seems reluctant to do and will say things like, I'll go if YOU want me to. Meaning he'll do it to get me off his back! He's still not been yet.

He's constantly looking food stuff up on his phone and watching American 'experts' taking about these diets on YouTube. He reads all food packaging intensely and critisies it, even if he's not the one eating it!

His eating is extreme and totally obsessive. His mood is also very effected by food and he gets incredibly 'hangry' yet he also does a bit of intermittent fasting which makes that worse. Sometimes he'll go to work and not eat until he gets home at 5pm. That's not everyday but at least 2 times a week.

I've got to the point where I'm really getting worried about this. I'm scared what he's doing to himself in the short term and long term but he just won't hear it. He dismisses red meat and certain cancers and dismisses high cholesterol with high fat diets, saying that both those things are now unfounded. The problem is he's getting his so called facts from sources that I would not see at reputable.

It's effecting our family life now. We have two young children and rarely eat together at home because he eats and cooks such different things to us. The children and myself eating a moderate, healthy diet with an occasional treat. Last week our 3yo actually questioned why he wasn't eating breakfast or lunch when we were on holiday. It's scary to see someone you love do this to themselves when they are also in denial that there's a problem and that he's in the right and the rest of us are totally wrong. I think this is a type of eating disorder now or health anxiety. He's become very serious because of all this and isn't himself, it's actually really sad.
Aibu? What should I do?

He doesn't necessarily have an eating disorder and isn't necessarily too thin but it sounds like he has a number of unmanaged health conditions that would be worth exploration by someone qualified. That might not be a GP but it would be a good place to start. I think you should take him up on the "I'll go if you make me" and he should be clear about how many exclusions he's having to make in order to feel well. It's not normal and a decent GP should want to explore what's going on.

Separately, I would talk to him about the importance of raising your dc with healthy attitudes towards food and how important meal times together are. He doesn't have to eat the same food, or even eat at all but he does have to come to the table and participate in the family time together.

Of course he’s too thin. His BMI is in the underweight category. He can’t have any muscle mass.

If he went vegan nobody would bat an eyelid.

Is he also following the alt right? Or just the diet

Sorry but to me he sounds just like somebody on a diet aka a diet bore. They always sound obsessed bcos they have to be to remain on the diet! I know this is a clean eating diet not to lose weight but the whole task lends itself to being all or nothing. You say it’s only in the last month he’s been doing the carnivore diet which isn’t a lot in the great scheme of things & before that a clean eating diet. Don’t these tend to run their own course whereby the cons of being on it or unpleasant side effects mean you eventually lose faith it /realise it was a con or just not delivering what you got fooled into believing? I mean it’s not wrong to want to try to eat healthily. If he was female this would just be seen like someone following a diet religiously. Yes I know all diets lend themselves to disordered eating & these influencers are pumping out dodgy snake oil in the main - but it’s a learning curve that you try to then realise that a balanced diet with no major restricting is the way forward. He won’t be able to consume only meat period & never eat any of his favourite foods again. It’s just a matter of time. I’d ignore it (not easy obvs).

'Health benefits' aside, he's a similar height and weight to me at my smallest, and as a woman, I look pretty lean at that weight. For a man, that is definitely underweight - this is not a health kick, this is an eating disorder.

Yes he has an eating disorder with general mental health problems.

These things do tend to get worse.

Talk to him about it - and frame it as a mental health concern rather than talking about what he’s eating, which would likely fuel the obsession.

What he needs is professional help as eating disorders are hard to treat. It depends on him accepting that, but BEAT are a good source of info.

It’s worth him seeing the GP to get it confirmed he is underweight and perhaps whether an anti anxiety treatment like serraline might be part of a treatment programme.

What you could discuss with him directly is limiting his use of social media, as that’s pretty widely accepted to be bad for us, and making sure his health info sources are legit. I’d also talk to him about your concern for the impact on your children’s mental health.

The way he is eating is a symptom of his mental health issue.

People who do extreme diets do tend to be somewhat obsessive or they wouldn’t be able to keep it up - but in this case he’s crossed the line into solid mental health issues.

I have been near (inc dairy) carnivore at times and am no just very low carb. Have done this for nearly 10 years. I no longer have depression, asthma, hayfever etc. My eyes don't constantly water and my nose does not run.

Has it fixed his IBS?

He does sound quite underweight.

These kinds of diets are a really effective mask for anorexia/orthorexia. You'll always have people (like pps on this thread) that will validate your self-harm in eating by bringing in words like keto and carnivore. It's extremely harmful.
I know this because I have an ED, and at my worst, I was claiming (and half-believing) low-carb and fasting as a healthy way of living. It's amazing how many people excuse ED once they hear certain key words.

This man is severely underweight and has a totally disordered attitude to eating. This is a mental health issue, a very worrying one.i can’t believe some pp are focusing on IBS/ leaky gut etc.

I did high fat low carb diet with fasting too and ended up in hospital with gallbladder issues, was so unwell I was off work for 2 months! It’s ok to do certain diets if they work but it doesn’t sound like it is, he’s extremely underweight and not sleeping well. It must be miserable if you go away together and he won’t eat all day. Have you explained how it’s impacting you?

I think my hospital inpatient trip with gallstones was related to the low carb diet I was on, too.

I have a friend like this. I dont know what id do if it was a partner. Its so controlling of her entire life

Probably, I’ve since added healthy carbs and had no issues, fasting can cause it too, was so annoying as docs kept advising me to eat a healthy diet as if I ate lots of takeaways and when I said I don’t eat unhealthy at all I could tell they thought I was at it as I’m overweight but that’s due to a health condition and not diet

Sounds like me when I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (and OCD) at around 30. Fast forward 15 years and I now suspect I am undiagnosed neurodivergent (AuDHD), which explains so much and I’m looking into. My eating disorder convinced me that I was sensitive to gluten. That made it super easy to restrict what I ate with a ‘valid’ reason. It was utter nonsense, I eat gluten now with no problem. Then it was no potatoes, rice or any starchy carbs, then no fruit unless particular berries, then only protein/low carb veg (and fat, I wasn’t scared of that as long as I was eating the protein and exercising enough) to stay in ketosis. Then, only white protein like egg whites, fish and chicken and only green veg like broccoli, spinach and cucumber. I also fasted until early evening. More and more rules and inflexible thinking. The thing with an eating disorder is that you don’t want to get help because it serves a huge purpose, very effectively. You’re so consumed by rules/control, anxiety and exhaustion that you don’t have time or energy to think about anything else. I did go to the GP because I was threatened with something I didn’t want to happen. I was already in private therapy for self-diagnosed disordered eating (reluctantly as persuaded by my ex). My therapist phoned my GP before I went as they didn’t trust me to tell the truth. I kept ‘just’ well enough to avoid being admitted during out patient treatment (NHS) but it got scary at one point when I realised I was totally out of control. I am physically recovered now, but it only happened when I was (subconsciously) ready to, ie, something new and exciting in my life which I gave more attention to that my eating disorder, than, little steps. I wonder if you are able to persuade him to go to the GP either around his ‘gut’ issues or, tiredness. Suggest maybe he could get a blood test. Perhaps he might consent to you contacting the GP on his behalf?

Carnivote diet is realy extreme, we actually gave it a go and were going to try it for a few weeks and lasted not even a day, but we did take some aspects of it and actualy feel better for it.. namely less processed foods, cutting out carbs, upping our protein intake. So actually not really carnivore diet at all but we started with the concept of carnivore diet as a base.
The full carnivore diet is super extreme, it is the latest fad diet and theres so much stuff on the internet about it. I can't see how it can be healthy as a long term diet at all.
I think your husband sounds like he is searching for solutions for his health issues and clinging onto this diet as a possible solution.
Make sure he is gettjng regular check ups and blood pressure checks.
Hopefully he will get bored of this diet, as i really can't see how anyone can live on it long term.

Has or is he having treatment for his c-PTSD (assuming that is something identified by a MH clinician) @Peekaboooooo ?

It sounds like a mental health thing to me. A bit like OCD. You could avoid talking about worries to him for awhile and suggest going for a day out somewhere or having friends over or taking a few days off work. It might pull him out of it somewhat. If his bloods are normal, I wouldn't worry too much. In fact you worrying about him too much could make him worse. I would concentrate on your general routine for now. It could be just a phase that will pass. Could be a good time to book a holiday too 😃

I've sent a PM, OP. I recognise this situation very well!

Is he getting treatment for ptsd?

Your husband has an eating disorder!

as someone that has suffered my entire life with ed and now helps others with theirs its not a case of telling the person to stop

it sounds like orthorexia which is an obsession with being healthy or his version of healthy

he needs help to navigate it but you cannot force him as he will just react by going harder

I’m sorry you are going through this as I know how hard it is to watch someone self harm in this way

lots of support groups out there

sending love and hugs

At 510 and 9 stone he’s most certainly under weight

im 53 female and 10 stone and have visible abs!

he sounds like he has orthorexia he most certainly needs help navigating this but has to be when he is ready

He should see his GP and get help with his mental health issues. You can contact Beat for further advice.

If he is on keto/carnivore then I wouldn't expect him to get hangry and suspect something else is going on there. When I've been on a low carb diet in the past I have to force myself to eat sometimes as the hunger goes.

From what I've read I'd wonder if his bigger problem is mental health and if that was dealt with he might not be so extreme in his diet and obsessive with it.