more a wwyd....

[Bluebells444]

I have 2 DC. both teens. Eldest has severe learning difficulties and can have very challenging behaviours. younger DC has no learning difficulties but HF ASD, a lot of MH issues (depression, anxiety, self harming). the DC do not get on - competing needs etc. I am currently away for a week with my eldest to visit family (youngest couldn't come for various reasons). First time I went away with eldest alone, usually both come. So this is the first time youngest had time away from me and their sibling. DC2 just texted me to say they are having the best week ever with their dad and so not want me and sibling to return. H and I don't get on. He didn't let me talk to youngest whilst away (just the odd WhatsApp message). He never looked after our eldest, never had the DC together for more than a few hours. We are heading towards divorce as I am struggling with him and his controlling ways. I am just totally floored by the message of DC. I am the primary carer for DC (only work part time due to the hight support needs, DC2 currently isn't in school as mentally too unwell). some wise words? I don't want to over-react... I am just so deeply hurt and I don't know what to do with myself.

Don't overreact, teens can be tactless and cruel and maybe in her own way she feels a relief (less stress, animosity of you and DH relationship) but it isn't personal at all! Sour relationships seep into everyone so maybe this is the sign for a clean break.
I imagine you and both DDs will thrive when you're happier

I think you need to listen carefully to what your kids comment really means. Reflect on the time they have and what they think is different when you and DC1 are not around. They’re telling you what they need and it’s not necessarily about you being there or not.

This is standard operating procedure for teens. Put masking tape on your buttons so it's not possible to press them! "Delighted to hear you're having a lovely week". Do not take the bait.

It could be thoughtless from DC2 who is enjoying time with dad and without arguments + DC1 issues, or it could be a comment designed to hurt you to punish you for going away. Which do you think it is?

I know they find it hard being around their sibling, and it has a huge impact on them. but it's nothing that can be changed.

Sounds like sour grapes at not being able to go so they are punishing you by saying they are having great time without you.

Unpleasant for you to read but it's not a true reflection on their feelings.

The bigger issue is you and your husband having a poor relationship.

DC2 are easily manipulated. I am more concerned about them being manipulated by their dad. As I said, I am for example not allowed to talk to DC2 on the phone.

They’re a kid though, they don’t necessarily get that. All they know is that these days when they’ve been just with their dad has met something they need.

kids with siblings that can disrupt the household - either mental, physical issues - can really struggle to find their own space

and kids with parents who are struggling to get on or communicate or coparent, feel that too.

I think DC2 is having a genuinely good time esp as DC1 is not around as we are usually extremely limited what we can do. H usually does not spend time with us and always goes on holiday alone and leave me and the DC behind. With both of them, I can do very few things due to DC1. I think this week has been liberating as DC for the first time spent proper time with their dad and they were able to do stuff I cannot do with them. Definitely not sour grapes!

They might be straight talking by enjoying being away from sibling and having a break from parents who dislike each other. The atmosphere must be refreshing for them.

Do you get any respite care package for DC1? Could you maybe arrange to do something with just DC2 every so often?

Op when do you get a holiday on your own or is it only your husband who gets to swan off on his own?

the DC and I usually do not holiday other than visiting family. It's just too hard with both of them and their needs. H does not holiday with us and Im never going away on my own as he won't take AL to look after them. he usually uses his AL go go abroad alone. sometimes all Summer long (he works in education). we get a few hours a couple of times a month in respite which I usually use to spend time with DC2 but just going to town. it's just 3h we get.

I'd be inclined to gently play along, given that it's such an incredibly ridiculous and thoughtless comment. Tell DC2 this is a GREAT idea; thanks!! You and DC1 are having an incredible time, much better than you both expected, and would LOVE to stay - you wouldn't have thought it was possible, but now that it's been suggested you're really giving it some thought.

Then send DC2 the itemised monthly bill for your hotel, food, transit, etc. if you stayed, and a friendly reminder to make sure that Dad's fully prepared to take over all the stuff you do for DC2 in a normal week (lifts, school stuff, cooking, laundry, etc. - you can just name a few).

More seriously - whether you are together or living separately/divorced, your H should be doing his fair share of ALL aspects of parenting and child wrangling, not just the Disney parts. Under the current arrangement you're going to end up spending much more time because he has more time commitments outside the household, but you each should end up with roughly equal free time. And keep in mind that your being willing to be the primary caregiver has negative repercussions for you that he should be offsetting - even if he's ready for the two of you to switch places, it's almost certain that you'll be quite a bit behind in terms of which full time jobs you'll be able to get and the salary you can expect.

Well if you’re heading for divorce it can be changed; as a teen DC2 can decide where they want to live (no court will rule otherwise in the absence of abuse) and they might opt to live with Dad as opposed to you and DC1 (hate to say it but living away from DC1 may genuinely be in their best interest).

Dad is obviously shit but may agree not because he cares for DC2 but because it’s a way to reduce maintenance to you and also a way to reduce what you’ll get in a divorce settlement (as he’ll also have a child to house and support). You say your H is controlling so I wouldn’t put it past him to use every opportunity to punish you.

You aren't "allowed" to communicate with your DC2?

your H has no right to do that - parental alienation is a thing.

sounds like a very toxic relationship that your DC2 is caught in the middle of - I would seriously push back on that, your relationship with your DC2 is at stake here,

Your responses still seem conflicted whether DC2 is having a good time or being manipulated by dad into saying this to hurt you. If it's the former, then while it's hurtful it's important for you to try to be happy for them and try talking about how to improve their life generally. Be open, they might have ideas you haven't considered.

I'm sorry it sounds like your life is hard work and poorly supported by your DH. Ideally can you suggest a week to swap where you take DC2 and he has DC1 next time he's on leave, for balance? Are there any schemes for DC1 to move into supported independent living in the longer term?

The issue here isn't a text from DC2.

Get some self respect and a divorce.

DC2 is being honest, ASD does that. Treat it like when a 5yo says they like auntie Jane more than you cus she buys me better presents

DH would never take DC1. too hard work. I will never be able to spend a week (or even just a weekend) just with DC2. Supported living extremely unlikely for older. very little available. I think as long as I am around, I will have to care for DC1. just being realistic but I don't really mind.

This sounds incredibly complicated.

Firstly, clearly you and your DH have issues and he needs to step up and be a parent to both of his children, as well as giving you a break. Has he always been like this? Unfortunately having a disabled child puts stress on any relationship, and sadly it’s not uncommon for some parents to check out.

Secondly, the impact of a severely disabled sibling should never be under estimated. DC2’s life is being severely limited by her sibling, and that’s nobody’s fault. But as a child all she is going to see is the fact that her disabled sibling is given priority due to their disability, and as such her own childhood has been limited.

It’s not fair on any of you, but as a child it’s understandable why she might be lashing out, and be happy now that her sibling isn’t currently around.

Parents need a break from their severely disabled children, that’s why respite exists, so it’s not wrong for children to feel the same.

H has blocked me now on his phone even though we haven't spoken all week and is now refusing to speak to DC1 when they call him. Will just see what happens when we go home. Thanks for the thoughts on DC2. I will let the message slide and not overthink it.

You can have a life but you will need to make a lot of changes and dig deep. How old is your dc1? Respite is hard to get but it is possible.

16, about to turn 17.

I am ok with my life. It is what it is. Getting support is incredibly hard and getting the few hours respite was a 10 year fight and only approved after we went into crisis. there is only that and that much fighting I can do. I am quite content with my life and have accepted that it is, and always will be, extremely limited. But at peace with it if that makes sense.

I wouldn't react. I'd keep my powder dry
If you are to divorce and seperate, I'd bring it up with your husband. Clearly dd2 would benefit hugely from time away from her sibling
That can be sorted by dh.

Issue is DC2 also wants to spend alone time with me but H is refusing to look after DC1. I cannot divorce as I am in low paid part time work which I will likely lose as DC2 doesn't have a school place. I do not have access to H's income and I am financially extremely limited. I would not be able to house myself and the DC to start with. H would never let me stay in the family home (he stresses that I paid very little towards the mortgage as I never earned a lot and vowed to make sure I get nothing in case of a divorce ).