more a wwyd....

[Bluebells444]

I have 2 DC. both teens. Eldest has severe learning difficulties and can have very challenging behaviours. younger DC has no learning difficulties but HF ASD, a lot of MH issues (depression, anxiety, self harming). the DC do not get on - competing needs etc. I am currently away for a week with my eldest to visit family (youngest couldn't come for various reasons). First time I went away with eldest alone, usually both come. So this is the first time youngest had time away from me and their sibling. DC2 just texted me to say they are having the best week ever with their dad and so not want me and sibling to return. H and I don't get on. He didn't let me talk to youngest whilst away (just the odd WhatsApp message). He never looked after our eldest, never had the DC together for more than a few hours. We are heading towards divorce as I am struggling with him and his controlling ways. I am just totally floored by the message of DC. I am the primary carer for DC (only work part time due to the hight support needs, DC2 currently isn't in school as mentally too unwell). some wise words? I don't want to over-react... I am just so deeply hurt and I don't know what to do with myself.

What your husband says is bs. You're married so the marital assets will be split 50/50 regardless of what you've paid into it. Good luck op

Sorry to sound like I'm giving you a hard time here, @Bluebells444 Im honestly not, but how can you possibly be at peace with the life you have, when it can be so much better if you can take control of it.

H would never let me stay in the family home (he stresses that I paid very little towards the mortgage as I never earned a lot and vowed to make sure I get nothing in case of a divorce ).

your H is feeding you utter bullshit, don't fall for it! He may say he won't let you stay but if you are legally married then it doesn't matter what you've paid towards the mortgage, the divorce court starts on the basis of a 50 / 50 split of assets, taking into account the length of the marriage, assets brought into the marriage and especially children's needs. He cannot declare your rights to you, he has no right to do that. He sounds utterly ignorant.

Him "vowing" to make sure you get nothing in divorce, is him bullshitting, threatening, gaslighting and being controlling.

you need your own legal representation to ensure your needs are met. You can leave this abusive toxic situation and go on to have an even more fulfilling life if you so choose,

I think you need some proper advice - from Women's Aid or a solicitor, on your rights and options. There are some very worrying examples of abusive behaviour from your H and red flags - he is clearly very controlling. You are in a difficult situation but I think with the right support, there are options out there for a better life for you and your children.

Fair enough. I think that when your young person becomes an adult it may be easier to get more support. I am currently sorting this for my own dd. I had my first proper break recently and it was wonderful. I think it gives you a bit of energy to carry on with the everyday.

So tough OP sending a hug. Sounds like DC2 does need time away from DC1 and that you may inadvertently been neglecting their needs as well as your own. Maybe if you divorced they would choose not to live with DC1 even if it meant not living with you. Doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

What would happen if you just said DC2 and I are going out for the weekend day and did it ? Would DH step up or would DC1 be left in the house alone?

Both my DC are NT but they have both individually expressed how much they like some "only child" time
It sounds like the issue is more your H

@olympicsrock I couldn't live without DC2 as they do not have a school place and I have heavily reduced my hours to facilitate caring for them. H works long hours and is not prepared to reduce his working schedule/hours etc to help caring for either child. This 1 week holiday is a 1 off and there is unlikely to be a repeat.

I have been out for longer hours with DC2 but he just leaves DC1 alone in their room all day then on screens and they are upset and stressed by the time I come back. It's not worth the upset. I haven't never done an overnight with DC2 as I know H wouldn't look after DC1 properly.

Kindly, is there any possibility that your youngest child's mental health problems are sparked by the situation within the home? It sounds like you're all under a lot of strain and there are difficult dynamics going on between all of you.

Again with respect, your replies are all about why things can't change, how you have accepted things, that you're life is the way it is and you're ok with that.

It's fine that you're ok with how things are and how things will always be but maybe your youngest isn't ok and their needs actually have to take priority.

Also please have a benefits check carried out. It sounds as though you should be eligible for carers allowances, attendance and the higher rate of mobility. Also there are umpteen charities that will help with time away, carers for your eldest etc.

It feels a bit like you're stuck but too worn down (or something) to actually make the effort to improve the situation you're all in.

No, they have ASD. Always been 'different' and difficult. The current situation is not helping, I get that, but it's really not appropriate to suggest I caused my child's autism.

I have one disabled child and two whose ND issues don't severely affected them.
You have to acknowledge that DC2 needs and wants haven't been met because of DC1. You are making a lot of statements about what you are happy with, but that throws DC2 under the bus. You need good legal advice. You will need to be adequately housed for SS to be happy with the situation once DC1 becomes an adult. Parental carers of adult children who have severe disabilities are currently fighting for more powers to remain a carer to them. Things can be taken out of your hands. This text might be a wake up call, because life is tough for the younger siblings of a disabled child. You need to gather advice and split, but only if you would accept respite. Respite entitlement will change once you are a LP to a disabled adult.

Does DC2 realise they will need to go back to school if you don't come home, as their dad will not be there to care for them and home school once he's back at work?

That isn't being suggested. The situation might be adding to anxiety, school refusal etc. You've let the child's father off with too much. As said, get good legal advice. He's a absolute scumbag.

They aren't school refusing though. I never said that. They are not in school as they cannot cope in a huge mainstream due to sensory needs and there are no spaces in specialist setting (currently fighting LA to get EHCP amended). they are desperate to go to school. We just need the right setting

I suspect H told them they can just chill at home. He isn't bothered about the school situation and where (or if) DC is accessing an education. I am dealing with all the EHCP stuff and battles with the LA.

My friends husband vowed she would get nothing, he would never let her have any peace or money. Well she got over 50% of everything including his pension - you need that too - and the judge took non of his shit. He was a well paid and respected professional and courts see the reality of these men all the time. She lives now rather than exists and has nothing to do with him.

You need out, you need support and you can have your own live where you build up support. Have you got all the benefits you are entitled to? Make sure you get them sorted and speak to women’s aid who will help you see more of the abuse you suffer.

I hope to see you update one day that you are out and free and then everything else will be sortable.