Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws - help please

48 replies

SpoonyMember · 18/04/2025 22:49

My MIL is very entitled a number of instances especially on my wedding day that really spoiled it especially as I really went out of my way to include her & SIL. However I now feel like i'm being treated like a doormat, she comes to stay unnanounced only rings my husband to tell him she's on her way and expects hotel service, staying for days on end.
I've explained to my husband that this really isn't appropriate and she shouldnt just turn up because she's decided she wants a holiday with no consideration as to whether we're there or whether I have plans... my husband leaves me to do all the entertaining and very conveniently goes off to the pub when she's here. I've tried and tried to explain without exploding but its beyond a joke, he doesnt see the problem with it at all & thinks he's a hero because he told her to come the day after rather than just turning up for the week!!!!
I feel like i'm on an island, my husband doesnt want the hassle and has tried to turn it round as if i'm the antisocial one, major red flags...

someone please help, feel at the end of my tether

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 18/04/2025 22:51

Don't entertain? Use the opportunity to go out and do things you'd want to do anyway, or go off and visit some relatives yourself.

TipsyMaker · 18/04/2025 22:51

Common MN phrase..you unfortunately have a DH problem

BlueMum16 · 18/04/2025 22:53

TipsyMaker · 18/04/2025 22:51

Common MN phrase..you unfortunately have a DH problem

This.

If you MIl is visiting your DH needs to be home and host

You are busy.

yeesh · 18/04/2025 22:55

The problem is your DH

UpMyself · 18/04/2025 22:58

As pp, your DH is the problem. Make yourself unavailable when she's there.

If you don't have any children, DBFT.

RunningJo · 18/04/2025 23:00

Your DH is selfish & sounds quite happy to play the doting son by agreeing to the visit, but doing sod all when his DM is there! Worst still fucks off to the pub!
If he isn’t prepared to stay and entertain his Mum. Why should you? . Even if you enjoy her company, he should be pulling his weight.

when you get notice of an impending visit, say it doesn’t work for you, or say she can stay for 2 days only (or whatever works). If she insists on coming make sure you have plans (fake or otherwise) to get you out of the house during the day. Make sure your DH knows he’ll have to cook some meals, and if he decide’s he’s off to the Pub, go with him, or suggest his DM goes with him for some quality Mother and Son time!

I bet he won’t be so ready to accept her visiting for so long next time if he has to actually make an effort!

BakelikeBertha · 18/04/2025 23:01

Is this a problem with ethnicity OP, only it seems that MIL's from certain cultures appear to have a habit of doing this. However, I think in all honesty, that if your DH won't step up, then you should. So when MIL calls and says she's coming tomorrow, say sorry MIL it's not convenient right now, how about you come for a couple of days in 3 weeks time, or something like that, that is convenient to YOU. This way you have time to prepare, and YOU are laying down the rules, NOT her! Tell your DH, that this is what you are going to do, so if he takes a call from his Mother, he can either do the same thing, tell her that he needs to discuss dates with his wife, OR he can face being made to look like an idiot, when you call her back and tell her that it's not happening.

I really don't understand why people put up with being invaded by others in their own home, when it's not convenient, and isn't wanted. Stand up for yourself OP, or be prepared to live a life of subservience and misery.

Vaxtable · 18/04/2025 23:02

Just say it’s not convenient when she calls, if she turns up just say if Sandra if only you had called we would have said it’s not convenient

if she insist on staying and your dh, who is your real problem, let’s her then just say ok Sandra tea,coffee and food in the kitchen, help yourself as I have various things to do and won’t be entertaining you, would you like to go to the pub with dh?

And tell dh he’s in charge and go out

Sunflowersanddaffodils · 18/04/2025 23:06

What does DBFT stand for?

GoogolB · 18/04/2025 23:10

Book yourself into a hotel next time she comes and let DP deal with her.

UpMyself · 18/04/2025 23:16

Don't Breed From This

Original poster
SpoonyMember · 18/04/2025 23:16

Edit: i've tried the going out/having plans but she takes no notice, i've even told her we wont be there and she takes no notice, wont take no for an answer, we got home on a sunday night and she was already there even though we'd said theres no one home...

OP posts:
Mrsknowitall · 18/04/2025 23:20

SpoonyMember · 18/04/2025 23:16

Edit: i've tried the going out/having plans but she takes no notice, i've even told her we wont be there and she takes no notice, wont take no for an answer, we got home on a sunday night and she was already there even though we'd said theres no one home...

Does she have a key or was she waiting outside? If she has a key then change the locks as she’s taking advantage of having it if she was waiting outside then I think you need to be a bit blunt and say now’s not a good time and tbh I would kick off there and then with dh so she can see what she is causing, as another person said book into a hotel better still a spa and you get bonus points if you can credit it to your dh card for the inconvenience. She sounds like a nightmare

Naunet · 18/04/2025 23:21

So next time she is on her way, you book yourself into a hotel and don't come back until she's gone. You shouldn't have to, but your husband is being a dick, and the only way to get him to put his foot down, is to let it inconvenience him.

MattCauthon · 18/04/2025 23:21

You have a DH problem. Next tie she announces she's coming and DH refuses to say no, you need to take yourself off somewhere. Go stay with your own mum or a friend, or book a few days away if you can afford it.

Dashel · 18/04/2025 23:26

Have you got a friend you can stay with as you could have agreed to pet sit? I would completely leave them to it. Either by having to go away for work or whatever or I would speak very plainly to your DH and remind him that it’s his mother and as such you will not be looking after her or sitting with her just because you are female. Call out his sexist attitude and check yourself into a hotel if needed.

Original poster
SpoonyMember · 18/04/2025 23:32

Definitely a DH problem, she's also threatening to come and stay while we go on honeymoon, theres no reason other than she fancies a change of scenery, havent tackled this one yet but she's the type that even if you said no she'd have the 'oh well they wont know, its not that big of a deal mentality' and do it anyway
feel ive gone out of my way previously to welcome them and shes taking the piss now.

thanks for the advice definitely a DH problem and i need to lay down the law

OP posts:
partygate · 18/04/2025 23:36

find your anger, this is outrageous. He disappears off once she arrives? No. Next time she comes you do NOTHING. This is for him to arrange. No discussion, no excuses, just carry on as normal. Ideally you disappear off to
a hotel. Act exactly like he does. Be charming to her but vague and just float off

Shitmonger · 18/04/2025 23:46

UpMyself · 18/04/2025 23:16

Don't Breed From This

Really? That phrasing doesn’t make much sense. Shouldn’t it be DBWI (Don’t Breed With It) or something? 🤔

Or maybe just DGP (Don’t Get Pregnant).

MoistVonL · 18/04/2025 23:51

How is she getting in when you aren’t there?

Change your lock barrels. YouTube can show you how, it’s not that hard. Then she can no longer use whatever key she has to get in.

Your DH needs to run interference. Dealing with her isn’t your job.

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2025 23:53

SpoonyMember · 18/04/2025 23:32

Definitely a DH problem, she's also threatening to come and stay while we go on honeymoon, theres no reason other than she fancies a change of scenery, havent tackled this one yet but she's the type that even if you said no she'd have the 'oh well they wont know, its not that big of a deal mentality' and do it anyway
feel ive gone out of my way previously to welcome them and shes taking the piss now.

thanks for the advice definitely a DH problem and i need to lay down the law

Change the locks

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/04/2025 23:55

Likely pointless changing the locks as feckless DH will just give her a copy of the new one.

Have you already married him? If not, don't. This will be your life.

This will enrage you even more if you have children with him.

UpMyself · 18/04/2025 23:57

@Shitmonger ,saw it on another thread. DGPWH not DGP?
DGP looks like 'Dear GrandParent',which is precisely not what the OP's DC would have.

pinkyredrose · 18/04/2025 23:59

Wtf is wrong with your husband? Was he like this before you married him?

I'd be seriously rethinking this marriage, it's like you're a passenger in your own life!

RunningJo · 18/04/2025 23:59

SpoonyMember · 18/04/2025 23:32

Definitely a DH problem, she's also threatening to come and stay while we go on honeymoon, theres no reason other than she fancies a change of scenery, havent tackled this one yet but she's the type that even if you said no she'd have the 'oh well they wont know, its not that big of a deal mentality' and do it anyway
feel ive gone out of my way previously to welcome them and shes taking the piss now.

thanks for the advice definitely a DH problem and i need to lay down the law

Tell her you’re having building work done / new kitchen / bathroom / house redecorated so won’t be able to stay whilst you’re away.

Swipe left for the next trending thread