In laws - help please

[SpoonyMember]

My MIL is very entitled a number of instances especially on my wedding day that really spoiled it especially as I really went out of my way to include her & SIL. However I now feel like i'm being treated like a doormat, she comes to stay unnanounced only rings my husband to tell him she's on her way and expects hotel service, staying for days on end.
I've explained to my husband that this really isn't appropriate and she shouldnt just turn up because she's decided she wants a holiday with no consideration as to whether we're there or whether I have plans... my husband leaves me to do all the entertaining and very conveniently goes off to the pub when she's here. I've tried and tried to explain without exploding but its beyond a joke, he doesnt see the problem with it at all & thinks he's a hero because he told her to come the day after rather than just turning up for the week!!!!
I feel like i'm on an island, my husband doesnt want the hassle and has tried to turn it round as if i'm the antisocial one, major red flags...

someone please help, feel at the end of my tether

I agree that this is a Dh problem.

My late husband had two adult children. Whenever DH mentioned to his ex that he was thinking of visit the kids during the school hols, it would turn out that - according to the ex - she and her partner were already planning on visiting.

Only after my DH died did I find out from his DIL that the ex simply used to turn up at their door uninvited.

The DIL confessed that she found the ex "jealous and controlling" - I'd shared some of my experiences with her: the ex had even tried to gatecrash our honeymoon! (She booked herself and her boyfriend into the sister hotel of our honeymoon hotel.)

The DIL ended the conversation as soon as she heard her husband coming through the door - she knew that she couldn't win against her MIL. She and my stepson have only been together for 20+ yrs...

You have to challenge your DH now, OP, or things will never get better.

Maybe you should take yourself off to hotel the next time your MIL turns up?

Footnote

I was caught referring to the ex as "a bunny boiler". The stepkids have cut all contact. The plus side is that I no longer have to pussyfoot around her in order to keep the kids happy.

Kill her with kindness (worked for me)

"Gail that's a lovely idea! You're ever so thoughtful! We can't this weekend - we're out. Oh- I've got a book you might like, let me just go fetch it"

Act blind to the demand : "ooooh Gail, we won't be around next week! We'll catch up in May should we ?"

Politely let her know - you're in control. But remember to always be kind and respectful towards her. Deep down that's what a lot of these types are craving - validation that they still matter. Be gracious. You shouldn't have to. But if Will help for an easier life.

Get your DH on board too. That's most of the battle

Change the locks & leave do to deal with her. Tell him next time she comes uninvited you’ll be checking into a hotel until she leaves

Change the locks.

Lie about your honeymoon destination. It sounds like your OH might be the type to happily let you organise everything anyway. Tell them both you are going to Canada from Gatwick. Then fly to Australia from Heathrow. You could even pay for %100 refundable tickets, print off the receipts and flight details as evidence, then cancel, and rebook elsewhere.
It doesn't sound like you can rely on him to support you so also keep him in the dark. In practical terms it would have to be two places that have similar temperatures and holiday vaccine/ anti-malarial requirements... But it could be done.

Obviously, living with a man who treats you like this is what needs to change.

However, if that’s a project you’re going to work on then there are some things you can do to minimize the impact on you. If you’re handy, you could change the locks just before you go on your honeymoon. If you have yale type Locks it’s not hard or expensive to change the barrel. Make sure DH doesn’t need his key after you’ve done it and don’t mention it to him until you’re flying. Then casually hand him a key and say you thought it would be best as you were worried about the houses security.

If MiL comes over and DH goes to the pub, go with him. Or go out to visit a friend. Or just go to your room and vent on MN. But do not entertain her. Don’t cook for her or DH while she’s here. Don’t make her tea or coffee. Don’t make up a bed for her. If she’s the only person sleeping in the spare bed, don’t change the sheets between visits. Don’t do any hosting at all. Leave it for DH. And if she protests that you aren’t being friendly/nice/whatever be very blunt that you have been clear it isn’t convenient, that you think she’s being really rude, that if she wants attention she needs to talk to DH. She’s being incredibly rude coming when you’ve told her you don’t want her there (by saying it’s not convenient). You need to reinforce that message with your actions.

But you don't need her to take any notice, you just need to go out, or not be there. If you get home and she's on the drive, that's her fault; be unapologetic.

You need to make this so that if someone's suffering for her behaviour, it's DH and not you. If he announces he's going to the pub, go with him. Or go to another pub, or whatever.

Because she expects something doesn't mean you have to do it. If DH wants to provide "hotel service", let him get on with it. Don't even make her bed up. Drop the rope.

Got any friends who invite you round? Or who have asked you for the weekend? Do it. Stop being a doormat.

when she arrives, you walk out of the house, go anywhere. If you can stay out overnight and don't go back until she has gone.

Every time.

If she has a key, you get your DH to get it back - then change the locks anyway.

Do it anyway? You mean she has a key? Why? Take it back or change the locks.

I’d say go to the pub as well but your DH sounds like a dickhead… so go to another pub.

I would be calling the wedding off until this is sorted.

From one who knows. Nip in the bud.

She’s already married.

Sorry OP, much as this is a DH problem you are as compliant as he is.

Sorry MIL didn't know you were coming I am just going out and go out! Go for a walk a coffee, a museum, anywhere!

Grow a set of balls OP

Like other Mumsnetters have said, change the locks, get a Ring doorbell so the CF can’t use your home as a holiday home. You could end up with coming home to find she’s gone through your belongings, changed the furniture around or the colour scheme or taken it upon herself to declutter your wardrobe.
No, no and no to MIL coming on your honeymoon either! DH needs to grow a spine.

Just why does your husband think this is ok, have you actually told him this is not going to continue. He actually thinks it’s ok when each time she arrives he goes off to the pub and leaves you to entertain her, he sounds very immature to be honest. I certainly wouldn’t put up with an entitled MIL. It’s all about respect she doesn’t seem to have any and you’re husband doesn’t consider your feelings,

QUOTE: SquashedMallow · Yesterday 00:09

Kill her with kindness (worked for me)
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I say no, just kill her!!😂😂😂

This is pretty much what I was going to say. Or have you got a friend who would put you up at short notice for a couple of nights if you explain the situation.

Your problem is not your MIL, it's your DH who refuses to deal with it or do the work to feed and entertain her.

As soon as I knew she was coming I'd book unto a hotel for the duration of her stay

Update: she's left her dirty washing in the laundry & filled the spare room cupboards with her clothes. Having done some reflection theres bigger gaslighting issues going on here, feeling sad & mad wish me luck lol, thankyou for help all, you've reaffirmed to me that i'm not going mad

You could try boxing up the clean clothes (trash the others) and taking them to Oxfam. When she asks, deny everything and then say in a shocked voice “Why on earth would you think it appropriate to leave your clothes in our wardrobes?”

But it sounds like there may be bigger issues? Assume the gaslighting comments are about your DH? I’m sorry, OP, it’s horrible to realise what should be your foundation in life has been working against you. The good news is, that whatever you’ve been managing to do with your life until now, will likely pale in comparison to what you will be able to do once you’re subject to the gaslighting, etc.

Has your DH always been such a pushover and drip? He needs to get her telt!

OP, I’d be fuming about the dirty washing and the clothes. What would your DH say if you were to pack them all up and take them round to her, and say that there is no need for her to leave her stuff at yours? You are really going to have to address this - you can’t be ejected from your own home by your MIL and your DH leaving you to look after her while he waltzes off to the pub is simply outrageous. Perhaps the solution would be to go to the pub with him, with his mother? Make sure that whatever he does, if MIL’s at yours, she does it too. You really need to let him know as strongly as possible that she’s not your mother and it’s not for you to look after her. If you don’t do something about this very soon, you’ll have a lifelong problem because he’ll be saying, “Well, it’s been fine up til now.” It really isn’t fine, and you are going to have to sort this out, even though it’s not going to be comfortable.