Second child doubts

[MaybeBabyMaybeNo]

DH and I have been very happily married for five years, together for eight. He’s 36 and I’m 40. We have one DC, who is two years old.

I have never been particularly fussed about having kids. It wasn’t something I really considered at all until I met DH, who had always wanted them (lots, if possible) but was willing not to have any if I didn’t want them. I honestly didn’t feel particularly strongly about it, so we had DD - and she’s truly fantastic. An absolute joy.

However, I found the first year quite hard. My life has changed, my body has changed, I had anxiety for the first six months, struggled with breastfeeding and DD has never been a good sleeper, so haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in two years. DH more than pulls his weight in all areas, but it hasn’t been easy.

Now, to my question. The plan was always to have two kids (if we were to have any at all). There’s obviously nothing wrong with being an only child, but it feels important for DC to have a ‘life buddy’.

But, I feel like I’m finally emerging from the fog of babyhood to delightful toddlerhood. I enjoy DC, have time for myself (she goes to nursery a few days a week), I can read and work out and see friends. I can spend time with my husband. I can go back to work (I haven’t, yet). The idea of reliving the first year of babyhood really doesn’t appeal.

But (so many buts!) will we regret it if we don’t have another? Is it fair to DC? Is it fair to DH? Am I being massively selfish? I’m 40, so it’s not like I have oodles of time to change my mind.

If you’ve made it to the end of my opus, thank you. I want to emphasise that, I know nobody can tell me what to do. I’m interested in hearing your thoughts on the above and what you would do (or have done) in the same situation.

YABU: I’d have another baby
YANBU: I wouldn’t have another baby

Also, we are extremely financially comfortable, our home has room for multiple kids, and so on. None of those things are factors.

I wouldn’t in your shoes.

Well really the only question is, do you want another baby? If those things weren’t an issue, would you want another child? Try and figure out in your head how you feel about that and that will help you to make your decision as you are right, no one can decide for you.

For what it’s worth, I had the same worries as you. DS1 has ASD and so never slept, had silent reflux (also doesn’t help sleeping) and I had PPA and a PPH. It took me so long to feel like a normal human again that there is a 5 year age gap between the boys. However, DS2 was a dream baby, we did shared parental leave so I went back to work a bit sooner and I went back full time and DH does compressed hours and actually it was a completely different experience. I cherished my maternity leave which sounds so corny!

I had a second as first DC had t got to the easy todldler bit. If he had I probably wouldn't have bothered.

I love my second DC wholeheartedly and can't imagine life without them but it was so much harder.
DC1 wasa good baby, slept ate etc
DC2 only started sleeping at 14 years! I was almost 40 having her.
IDH and I worked full time and used a nursery.

In your circumstances I probably wouldn't.

We stuck at one - overall I feel I am a much better mum to one than I would be to two. But the important thing is to have another child only if you and your husband want another. Don't have one for your existing child - a second child is definitely not a guaranteed lifelong 'buddy' for them. They may get along well but they may not get on at all. I know many people who are not close at all to their siblings.

I would say the transition for me from 0-1 was much much harder then transition from 1-2. DS2 just slotted in, I knew what I was in for with sleep disruption and honestly had a far more enjoyable and chilled mat leave with DS2 then DS1.

Now one is 6 and the other is 3 and they entertain each other, so DH and I get more downtime or ability to do things.
You never know what you will get for us it was the right decision to have a second.

Much like the first time around, I’m honestly fine either way. Which is what makes it so difficult to decide. I’d be perfectly happy for it to just be the three of us, but I would be delighted with and love the bones off DC2, if we had one.

If it ain't broke don't fix it

As PP have said, going from 1-2 is WAY easier than 0-1. Personally I’d have another as a love being a family of four and watching my kids’ sibling relationship is just about the greatest joy in my life when they’re not fighting. DH and BFF are both only children and both always wished they had a sibling (not the case for everyone I know).

Two kids is a whole different ballgame. It's not even the same ballgame. The balls are different shapes. In different continents.

In my experience.

Maybe others have a different experience but the second is nothing like the first and you have a whole new set of circumstances to navigate.

I found the first year very tough indeed and was very on the fence about having a second (so was DH). I got pregnant by accident with my second child - it looked like a perfect two year gap but I was really shell-shocked when I found out I was pregnant again. It WAS hard going through it all again but I was a bit more forwarned and got better support with my mental health. Now they are 5 and 8 and I wouldn’t change it at all - two easier than one after DD2 was about 2, and they are good friends.

I'm an only child and I have one child who is nearly a teen.
I comment a lot on these only child threads, so apologies to anyone who has to re-read my contributions.
I loved and still love being an only child. I have an excellent relationship with my parents.
I am similar to you. I wasn't fussed on having children, but meeting DH changed that and I had DC in my late thirties. I found the baby / toddler phase difficult. I nevertheless gave it my all, but had no desire to repeat it. DH did want more, but it was not a contentious issue between us and resolved peacefully.
I couldn't imagine putting my body through pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding again; having been through it once and now knowing what it entailed. Maybe it was easier for me to reconcile this as I'm an only child and consider myself lucky to be one. I didn't feel guilty about my DC being an only child too.
As a parent I'm not run ragged and the 3 of us spend quality time together.
DC is very sporty, which means lots of matches. I've noticed that other children often have one parent spectating because the other parent is at a different activity with another child. My DH and I are together at every match. These things are important to me and echo my own childhood.
I hear a lot of fretting from people about only children, but for me, I've considered it to be a very fortunate thing.

I had the same concerns as you and we ended up with a 6 year age gap. The transition from 0-1 was really difficult and I had PND for the first year and really struggled. We decided on a 2nd and it then took just over a year to conceive. The transition from 1-2 was easy and I didn't get PND 2nd time around. Sometimes it's hard work having 2 children, but when I look at my 2nd I can't imagine him not being here and I'm so glad we decided to go for it, I think I would have regretted it in the future if we had decided to stick with one child.

Can I ask, if you're financially very comfortable, why you haven't got a nanny at least part time to help you with the free time you're clearly craving? You could even get a live in nanny from the sound of things?

I would say go for it, if your relationship is stable. The early years are an investment in your future. Just think about how lovely Christmases and holidays will be with two little ones who can entertain each other instead of relying on get parents. And thinking further ahead, it will be nice for her to have someone when you and your DH pass, sorry to get morbid.

Is your career or career progression important to you or are you not too fussed?

I was totally committed to having a second child. Obsessed maybe. I had 6 rounds of ivf to make it happen. You do not sound like me at all. It is absolutely ok to not want another. If you don't really want a baby, I do not think you should have one.

We have childcare and a housekeeper. Being overstretched in that sense wasn’t the issue.

However, I breastfed for 18 months, we don’t believe in sleep training (and DC is still a poor sleeper), and the mental toll and anxiety aren’t things that money can really fix. Like I say, things are much better now. But, going back doesn’t really appeal.

However, DH and I both have multiple siblings with whom we have close relationships, so I very much agree with all your other points. Which is the difficulty.

This thread is bringing in lots of different perspectives, which is the intention and I do like reading threads on only children. I find the concerns about the experience interesting; just perhaps not relatable as someone who has lived/ is living the experience of an only child.
I do hear concerns about the loneliness aspect, but I don't feel lonely.
I'm sociable, but I do need my own time too. From a wellbeing perspective, to enjoy one's own company is considered healthy.
I have a large network of friends and always have. They are friends I've made through work, mum friends, old friends, DH's friends... I've always had a broad spectrum, maybe because I've had to make the effort. Not that I see it as an effort; it's just what I've done.
Interestingly, my mum noticed this when I was younger; and I could see it when I was older; but my friends would often hide behind me and they'd ask me to walk into a room / party/ pub first. I'm using this as an example of how social situations seemed easier for me and less daunting. As a child, I became familiar with arriving at places on my own and walking into venues without a sibling. I find social situations incredibly easy and can start a conversation with a stranger without batting an eyelid.
Loneliness isn't necessarily an only child thing. People can feel lonely in relationships and in a room full of people. People with siblings can feel lonely. It's a possible lack of connection the person's feeling.

Just think about how lovely Christmases and holidays will be with two little ones who can entertain each other instead of relying on get parents.

I agree Christmases with many children/ large groups can be lovely. But for me, that one day a year doesn't out-weigh the other 364.

I disagree about holidays - I loved making new friends on holiday as a child, or during the summer holidays at home I liked to be with my two close friends. I didn't enjoy being expected to sometimes include my younger sister or play with her at home. From my parents' perspective they probably thought that it was nice we had each other. It's not how it felt to me at the time. I have friends whose young children get on well and play together. But I know others where they can't be left alone without fighting so school holidays are stressful. As I said upthread, you should only have another child if you want another child for the individual they will be, not to 'provide' your existing child with anything.

Thing is, I didn’t feel that way about having kids, full stop. I can’t even imagine what that’s like. However, we did have a DC and I love them more than life itself. So, I assume that would happen with DC2.

Your comments on this thread are really helpful. Thank you.

I grew up as an only child (until my dad and stepmum had children in my late teens, so we've never really had a sibling relationship as we never lived together) and I never felt as though I missed out, I was never envious of friends who had lots of siblings (in fact I was glad that I didn't have the arguments or had to share a room etc).
Being an only child taught me to enjoy my own company and also how to entertain myself - my parents made sure I spent time with friends etc, so your daughter may well never feel as though she's lost out on anything by not having a sibling.

Based on your feelings, I wouldn't have another child if I had experienced what you had. You're obviously a good and loving mum and your husband sounds supportive - there's nothing wrong with making a decision not to have another child.

I never felt like that either - I’d never really imagined myself being a mum and while I thought I might regret it if I didn’t, a lot of it for me with pregnancy and baby years was ‘going through the motions’, though I love my children dearly and enjoying parenting slightly older children a lot more than babies!

I did have a brief ‘should we have a third?’ phase last year, aged 40 - not because I wanted to be pregnant or have a little baby again (I really don’t!) but more because I liked the idea of having another person in our family in the years ahead and how fun it would be to get to know another child as they grew up. To be honest if I were five years younger, I might have done it and just sucked up the couple of years of pregnancy and young babyhood, but what really swayed me against was the risk of having a child with a disability or severe needs, or having health complications myself in pregnancy related to my age.

Of course I’m sure I’d come to terms with whatever I needed to, and if I did get pregnant by accident (unlikely now!) I don’t think I’d have an abortion. But having seen a close relative’s baby diagnosed with a life altering disability at birth last year, and another close friend - also early 40s - go though months of hospitalisation due to a life threatening pregnancy related complication, I personally decided those were the kind of risks I didn’t need to invite into my life.

Not sure if that kind of thing has gone through your mind and of course lots of people have healthy babies and pregnancies in their 40s. But yeah, for me, that was definitely a factor….

As an only child, please don't inflict being an only child on your child if you don't absolutely have to, I know for some it's not a choice and that's completely different. It's a bit of inconvenience to you for a couple of years but a life long issue for your child. If you can give them a sibling then do, please don't be selfish.

I had no problem at all with it when I was younger but as my parents have started to age, being an only child is awful and exceptionally lonely. I have four friends who are also only children and we all have the same feelings. Please have another child if you can.

I wouldn’t. I have 1 and she was and is really easy but still don’t want another. Our life is easy with 1.
I know a few with 2 or 3 and life is very hectic accommodating each childs wants/needs.
No guarantee they’d be ‘life buddies’ at all, might hate each other and fight all the time like i did with my brother.
We make sure she has playdates, she does all the clubs that she wants to, we travel, she’s very sociable and makes friends easily, is a very happy child.

Very good answer
’life buddy’ is a myth OP. You can’t make a life buddy for your child by giving birth to one.
My best friend has 2 sisters-they don’t speak.
I am an only child, she’s my life buddy. DH is an only too - he has plenty of friends. Your kid will do fine on her own.