To be expected to entertain DD 24/7?

[Roxietrees]

I’m a single parent, one DD 4 yo not at school yet and nursery only 2 days a week. On my days with her we go swimming, to playgroups and bikes rides etc but usually only one thing a day so for a good chunk of the day we’re in the house. I do play with her sometimes but tbh I only have about an hour in me of playing mummies and babies (her favourite game) craft stuff and making things I’m happy to do more of but she has so many different toys and so much to play with but she won’t play alone. She’s constantly asking me to play with her then I get the mum of an only child guilt and do play with her, but and I know it sounds terrible but get so bored so quickly plus have so much other stuff to do - bits of wfh, house stuff etc that it never lasts very long. Often I end up letting her go on her iPad for way too long than I should and feel very guilty but it’s the only time I can get anything done! AIBU to expect her to play on her own or should I stop being selfish, suck it up and play with her for most of the day?

Some kids are like this and I agree with you that I also find it quite tedious. My twins are 7 and still require an awful lot of external playing engagement and will rarely play solo – they just really like interaction! Unfortunately they rarely play with each other – they don’t really get on!

It sounds to me like you have a good balance but she would really benefit from learning how to play independently and on her own for a while. It's an important skill to develop.

I used to be a childminder and some children came to me completely unable to play without an adult leading them. I'd start a game with them and then gradually move away so they could carry on themselves to gradually build up their ability for independent play.

My mother never just played with me. If I wanted her company, 1 joining in whatever she was doing. Looking back I guess I wasn’t much help (understatement) but it was understood that she had stuff to do.

best start good habits early, looking back I ended up learning loads of things that my friends have no clue about. She would narrative what she was doing and over the years I unconsciously soaked it all up. Great training.

all the best

Tbh, 1 hour a day of playing isn’t enough. You should spend more time playing with a 4yr old. 24/7 isn’t needed but I feel your DD already knows how to play by herself from what you have described.

I used to include mine with me on my things I had to get done. From cleaning to gardening to DIY.

I just get a box of toys out and tell mine I’m busy and they’ve have to entertain themselves.

My mother never played with me either, I was expected to play with my siblings.

There are actually studies that suggest playing with parents adds no value to a child’s development, it’s best for them to play with other kids. I take comfort from that because I’m really not a ‘Lego and train set’ type. And I’m shit at imagination games.

Could you for a play park visit in as well as an activity? Or take her round the block with her bike or scooter? Something physical and outdoors to make her feel a bit tired and she may give you more of a break.

I think there's a happy medium here of max an hour of the mummies and babies (which I agree can get very trying), but more quality time spent with her doing other things that you actually like. Drawing, singing, dancing, cooking, reading, board games, even competitive tidying (it actually works!) - all of that is nice time spent together while hopefully being fun for both of you.

This sounds really hard - could she change her nursery days to more half days, or are the two days when you work?

Or could you have some more play dates so she has other children to play with?

Can you involve her more in the things you need to get done, as others have suggested.

It’s really crap because I really understand that loads of time watching an I pad isn’t great but I totally understand why you might need this! I’m not sure of the answers but it doesn’t come naturally to most adults to just play for long periods of time, especially when you have lots of things to get down playing in the back of your mind.

It’s tedious but then the days then years go so quickly. I found and find now the radio a godsend in the background makes playing along easier 😂

How long is she on the iPad?

5 minute mum has lots of things you can set up and do.

How about art things? Set up some paint/playdough and she can do that next to you while you do your own thing?

Set lots of little tasks? -eg use your duplo to build a tower for Rapunzel to live in.

Try taking away a load of toys, like a toy rotation so they don't lose their novelty value.

Don't give her the iPad. She is too young. She will never learn to play independently if that is always the other option.
You sound like you are doing great. One activity a day (the swimming, bike rides etc) sounds like plenty. Can you structure it so that it breaks up the longer block of time in the house?
When my girls would ask me to play babies or dolls etc I'd always ask them to get it set up while I was (chopping the carrots, going to the toilet, folding the laundry etc). So they got used to starting off a game by themselves. At first I'd come pretty quickly and ask what was happening, they would have a character out for me etc. But gradually they began to gain confidence and could start to play a bit themselves, or they were enjoying the whole setting up bit they would say "not yet mammmy" if I came.
An alternative tactic is to start the game with them and then have to go to the toilet, check on dinner etc and let them carry on. I'd ask them to mind my doll/dress my barbie/feed my baby etc while I was gone. Then come back. Over time this can be extended too.

Picture books are great for open ended independent time for that age group too. They can look through as many or few as they like, as quickly or slowly as they like. Maybe include the local library in your activities and get a new set weekly. Of course read them together too, but encourage loving through by themselves.

Water is another great way to extend independent time. Or anything messy..... fill up the sink or bath and give her bowls, pots, bottles etc for filling and pouring.
Good luck.

Could you get two (Barbie size) dolls and have them play houses? You could have a baby doll too if that’s what she likes.

You do the voices for both so she can just watch them. One can say to the other about making a cake and the other can say she will help and you can make them walk to the fridge (whatever you use for that, empty box?) get the ingredients out etc etc. bBasically the two dolls talking to each other.

That’ll teach her how to play with two dolls at once, as I presume she would play with one and you would play with the other. Bingo you are no longer required as she’s covering both the parts. You can just chip in things now and again like suggestions about what the dolls could do.

Same here. I don’t ever remember my mum playing with us, and if we said we were bored we’d be given a job to do.

i think kids need to see you doing housework, partly so they can learn how to do it, and partly so they realise how much needs to be done (and you can involve them in it too, of course). They also need to see you resting and looking after yourself.

I find with DD that she says she wants to play, but she really means she wants to be with me, so actually giving her some housework to do alongside me makes her just as happy as playing with her.

I don’t think you should play with her all day. And I don’t think she should be on the iPad a lot. She needs to learn to entertain herself, and to free play. But I also recommend getting her involved in chores - it’s a right hassle but you’ll be glad you did later! They love being involved at this age but leave it too late and it seems to become impossible for them to learn anything new.

You should be in the same room with her and either involving her in your jobs, or else taking an interest in whatever separate activity she is doing. Hopefully she will gradually become more independent.

Dd used love listening to Harry Potter audio (read by Stephen Fry). I kept her to the first book for several years...

I did lots of crafts and had my DC join me in fun chores around the house. Lots of things can be a game. We also read a lot and spent time outside.

I had 5 boys so they did play with each other mostly but youngest was home with me when they were at school and I did play what felt like endless games of top trumps, action figure battles and board games like snakes and ladders, connect 4 and guess who etc 😩 I think it's fine to say, you'll have to play by yourself for half an hour while Mummy clears up the kitchen or she can sit at the table drawing etc while you chat to her if you're doing chores. I would involve her in what you're doing, help fold the laundry, sweep the floor or give her a cloth and let her 'help' clean the bathroom! I wouldn't expect a 4 year old to entertain themselves without your input for long stretches - they are only little and want and need interaction with you.

I struggle with this too - my 6 year old DSS cannot play by himself. Even if he’s playing on the Xbox for 15 mins I have to pretend I’m a passenger in the car he’s driving.

At his Mum’s he has 2 brothers but here he’s by himself so I think that’s why and I’m hoping he’ll grow out of it as he gets older but I find if I’m not in the room with him it’s easier as he will occupy himself for a little bit and I try and dip in and out so he gets my attention some of it but not constantly (but it does mean I have to do half a job with say the washing and then go back to it)

I never play for more than an hour a day with my 3 and a half year old. Absolutely no way.

You don’t have to play to interact with them. We do craft things together or play with play dough at the kitchen table. He helps me with baking and he likes to help out with some simple chores like putting clothes in the washing machine and putting the powder in. Most of the day we go out to the park, the woods, the beach, go swimming, go on play dates. At home he understands that he can occupy himself with his toys. I’ll sometimes help him build a big train track for half an hour and I’ll happily read books with him for as long as he wants, but I don’t play anything else.

I think it's just luck/personality. My DC will happily play by themselves, but not all children are like that. Can you get them involved with things you are doing, they'll probably fond that more fun than toys anyway eg putting away dishes, folding clothes etc Personally I'd stop the ipad, that makes it worse for them to not play and use their imagination I assume as it overstimulates them (speaking from experience).

I had 3 sons and couldn’t physically get down on the floor with them so at points during the day I’d let them “ help” like pressing the buttons on the washing machine pairing socks etc
set them up with a simple puzzle, perhaps do a few edge pieces then let her fill them in?
No screens when mine were small, but I did put a video episode of Thomas, Tots TV whatever and return
Take them out for a walk or shopping
Would she concentrate on a simple craft? Even threading large beads on a cord?
I think gradually extend time leaving alone, but show interest every few minutes is the key.

I think this is a good point, when my DC is playing I'm usually still in the same area. If I go somewhere else in the house I'll usually be followed after awhile. I think they just like knowing you're around. My DC might ask for me to do something like read a book or play a board game, so I'll say I just have to do a few jobs and then we can do that. Maybe that's something to try, play a bit then do some things, then play a bit again.

Lots of great ideas on this thread! My DC are teens now, but when I only had one little one, I remember giving her a cloth and getting her to "help" with the polishing, setting her up next to me at the sink so she could wash the spoons while I did the rest of the washing up, having her sit with me at the table while I chopped veg and getting her to put them in the correct pots, I did try giving her a dustpan and brush to do the edges while I hoovered, but she couldn't bear the noise ("It's too loudy Mummy!")! Basically, I did what needed to be done and had her alongside, joining in. Things took longer than they needed to, but it meant less TV and less whinging!

I second the advice from PPs about getting her set up with things, like starting a puzzle, or showing her how to do a craft activity, then doing your own thing while supervising, but not necessarily joining in completely.

Have never been able to play with my kids tbh, I always just let them get on we with it. The two youngest used to do weird fast talking imaginative games, fascinating lol.