To be expected to entertain DD 24/7?

[Roxietrees]

I’m a single parent, one DD 4 yo not at school yet and nursery only 2 days a week. On my days with her we go swimming, to playgroups and bikes rides etc but usually only one thing a day so for a good chunk of the day we’re in the house. I do play with her sometimes but tbh I only have about an hour in me of playing mummies and babies (her favourite game) craft stuff and making things I’m happy to do more of but she has so many different toys and so much to play with but she won’t play alone. She’s constantly asking me to play with her then I get the mum of an only child guilt and do play with her, but and I know it sounds terrible but get so bored so quickly plus have so much other stuff to do - bits of wfh, house stuff etc that it never lasts very long. Often I end up letting her go on her iPad for way too long than I should and feel very guilty but it’s the only time I can get anything done! AIBU to expect her to play on her own or should I stop being selfish, suck it up and play with her for most of the day?

Are you monitoring what she does on the iPad?

Can she do puzzles, colouring, lego rather than being on that?

You shouldn’t be WFH whilst also looking after 4yo. Can you start her off with something and then let her get in with it? Can she be in the same room as you whilst you are doing chores, and you can chat with her whilst she plays and sometimes interact with her game etc

Se needs to learn to play along, which won't happen if she's on the iPad.

You could try something like a jar with some ideas for things to do alone, if she needs help getting started.

One thing to keep in mind is that if we want kids to play along, they need to be allowed to actually do things. Like making a fort with cushions and blankets for example. If everything needs to be kept tidy, she's not allowed scissors or paint or plasticine, etc, she will of course be bored.

The audiobook idea is good in a pp - it's a good thing to listen to while drawing or painting. I like the Winnie the Pooh with Stephen Fry. You could try at a yoto player which would have cards she could use herself easily (though at that age I had my own little record player and a stash or records, can you imagine people giving that to kids now? I was very careful about them though.)

I get this, it’s hard and I struggle too. But when your child asks you to play, she’s wanting to connect with you.
I have memories of my mum never playing with me and I distinctly remember her prioritising housework. Now, my dad being the generation he was, never lifted a finger, so I also understand why my mum’s focus had to be on cooking and housework. But regardless, it still makes me sad.

Could you think of any shared interests that might make it easier for you to engage with your daughter for longer periods? For example, out of
all the kids play activities I like crafting and baking. So we might go to the shops for ingredients or Hobbycraft to pick up craft supplies and then come home and bake or craft. It’s a good way of stretching the time out too and also gets me out of the house. Now my son is four going in five however, he knows what he does and doesn’t want to do, so sometimes I have to twist his arm to leave the house!

At your Daughter’s age, is she interested in more structured interactive games maybe? We have lots of fun at the moment playing Snap! and Guess Who and it’s entertaining for both of us.

This is what I was going to say. Has she got things like this, like the fisher price family/house/farm dolls sets, or playmobil people where she can start building a world? Even baby dolls, she can play teacher and set them up in a classroom etc.
Try getting her started so that your role isn’t too big and she can play without you, nip to the toilet and then she’ll be off. If it doesn’t work you could try being a less cooperative playmate so for example diverting from her planned stories etc so she ends up preferring to play by herself? Eg. She says let’s play going to the shops but your baby wants a nap etc.

You said you wfh whilst your 4 year old is at home alone with you. That needs to stop. Also, the iPad should be a treat and not used for hours a day. Your dd would benefit from more days at nursery if she wants to play with others.

Can you book her into another day of nursery so you can get work and other stuff done on that day and then be more available to your DD on the days you are at home with her?

I sympathetic with finding it difficult but I think 4 is quite young to expect her to entertain herself for long

There’s a difference between NEVER playing with your child and not entertaining them ‘24 hours a day’.

I get quite pissed off with this guilting over not putting aside hours to play with your child every day. Parents have never really played with their kids until quite recently in the scheme of things, because like your mum they’re busy. Childcare is an enormous task and if there’s 1 aspect they can do by themselves so you can get other stuff done, why not encourage them to do it? Independent play, or play with siblings, is far more beneficial than adult directed play.

We’ve reached this point now where child raising is harder than ever as kids can’t play by themselves, don’t ’play out’ when they get to 8, and in half of cases don’t have siblings to play with, so we have this incredibly intense expectation to not only work and run a house but also play with kids for hours every day. It’s not great for the kids either who are incapable or entertaining themselves or being bored for a while as they constantly have a parent directing them in some kind of play or organised an activity.

Set her up with activities she can do like crafts, Lego etc or give her a scenario she can fo then show you in an hour or whatever. Mine would play with Lego for hours but the train set needed help. At 4 dd1 was really into dolls houses

Other than board games or puzzles I don’t play with my DCs. In the holidays and at weekends we go out as much as possible, there’s been lots of park visits over Easter! But at home they entertain themselves or play together (they’re 7 and 5) I read with them before bed as well and do homework if they have it.

But seriously apart from in an emergency you cannot wfh and look after a child, most companies have it in contracts. I know people managed during COVID lockdowns but that was exceptional and short term

Yep

My daughter is 4 but not at school yet. I work x4 days so she is at nursery full days. I hate to admit it but i prefer work days as i struggle to get anything done whilst she wants my attention consistently and it becomes frustrating knowing there only you to do it all. I try to tell myself she’s only 4 and before long she’ll not want me as much and try to split time into sitting on floor with her and her toys and then sit her at table with play do or kinetic sand whilst i cook etc I stay up far too late to feel i’ve had down peace but least from september il have 1 day a week where she in school and i can get stuff done

Lots of helpful advice here, thank you. I’m self-employed so don’t have set days so much and only do odd bits and pieces of work when I’m with her - probably not more than an hour’s worth stretched out over the day. I do often set her up with an activity that she’s engaged with but as soon as I leave to do housework or whatever she loses interest in the activity. When she has a friend over I cease to exist and she’s just super into playing with the friend. But we don’t have a huge amount of play dates. I told her today that she has so many teddies that could “join her games” - clearly she’s too smart or old for that one! As she just said “but they’re pretend”. I don’t ever remember my mum playing with me either but I had a sister a year younger so we always had each other. I think the pressure is a lot more intense for parents of only children. Although I’m surprised some posters said their DC still want them to play with them even though they have a sibling close in age. I always thought her having a sibling would completely solve the problem. Maybe not. She does join me when I’m doing household tasks and she even helps out but it often turns into games of me chasing her, or zombies chasing each other or the floor turning to lava and the house work doesn’t get done!