My mum was unreasonable wasn't she.

[girlfriend44]

In the late eighties, I got married in a church in a white dress. I was 3 months pregnant.
My mum was vocal and didn't think I should be marrying in a wedding dress 3 months pregnant.

Bless her she's gone now, but she did come out with them
Surely it was about me, about my day, not about her.
She also was not happy I was pregnant. She wasn't supportive but came round in the end.
Actually when I look back it was hurtful.
Everything was about her. Surely she should have been supporting me.
Never got a sorry. Never will do now.😫

My husband’s Nana repeatedly asked me whether I was wearing a white dress on my wedding day.

I was pregnant too on my wedding day, about 3 months

Was this recently?

That does seem very silly now doesn't it? 😆

Nothing wrong with getting married in white if you're pregnant! Plenty of women get married in white who are not virgins!

Oh OP, I’m sorry you’re still thinking about this decades later.

Yes, your mum was being unreasonable. I’ve never understood why some people think it’s their right to voice their hurtful opinion even though it’s not being asked for.

My late DM said some incredibly hurtful things to me when I was younger and I’ve never forgotten them. I wish I didn’t hold onto things, but that’s just the way I am. I remember things said years ago and they still sting.

I voted YANBU, but just wanted to say if you got married in the late 80s you’d have to be 60ish now? I often think back about my parents and their mistakes in raising us, serious negligence on top of other ridiculous 90s parenting, and I totally forgive them, they were human at the end of the day, had it worse then me growing up but still did better than their parents and I in turn havent repeated their mistakes and am a better parent > my kids will be better still.

In short, if you’re still holding onto this its either the tip of the iceberg of other cruel parenting or you haven’t spent time to appreciate who your mom was and what led her to hold these beliefs, we are all just a product of our upbringing.

edited as told the wrong vote

Good grief, your baby bump is pushing 40! I think it's time to let it go...

You’ll never gain anything from thinking about something from decades ago, and from a very different generation! The parenting was so different. Move on

I think it is something that few people would bat an eyelid at now, but things were a bit different back then.

It seems mad to me that anyone would be bothered whether anyone else was pregnant on their wedding day and did or didn't wear white. Some people do still have some prudish and outdated attitudes though.

There have always been plenty of women who have been pregnant on their wedding days. It often just wasn't talked about at the time.

I also married late 80's so I guess I'm your generation and your DM was my DM's generation. My DM was firmly of the opinion white was for virgin's I wore white and wouldn't have dreamed of telling her I didn't qualify. I can even remember her commenting on a bride who wore cream saying "it makes you wonder" like someone would advertise their status. I think its just a generational thing, they were of their time so its time to let it go now.

Yes it’s ludicrous but they were different times and people’s crazy beliefs were important to them. I was a teenager, pregnant and unmarried. My Mum’s Catholic prayer circle arranged for me to be exorcised. They made me lay down and all stood round me while a Franciscan monk performed this ritual where he put Padre Pio’s glove on my belly and said some shit in Latin.

It was bloody ridiculous but it kept my Mum happy. I was quite bemused by it all!

Easy to say, but some parents told their own adult "children" who became pregnant before marriage and were pregnant at the wedding that they were disgusting and that they were disappointed in them because they (the parents) thought they had brought them up better than that!!

This happened in my own family. The issues did more or less resolve over time, but having heard such awful comments directed at you and your unborn child then it can be very hard to just let it go. You can't just unhear it.

I don't see it as her trying to make it all about her at all. It was 40 years ago. For most people of her generation, it was seen as wrong and I don't see why you would expect her not to say anything. It doesn't sound as if she threw you out on the street or excommunicated you so really, it's time to forget it. You're grown up now.

Back in the 80s when friend got married her future MIL refused to attend the wedding as my friend was wearing white. Frankly this was just the tip of the iceberg in their relationship.

Yes - times were different then, but I think your Mum was very uncaring towards you.

Different times. In the 80s, it was more the norm to get married before having children. Having children outside marriage wasn’t common, or so acceptable as it is today. Fortunately, we’d got past the ‘child is a bastard’ stage by then (but maybe only just), but that feeling remained in some people.

If she came around in the end, that’s her way of saying sorry.

I think your mum was quite old fashioned in her opinions for the 1980s, and should have been more supportive to you.

I am probably of the same generation as you, and my own DM was pregnant (with me!) on her wedding day back in the early sixties. However she was still embarrassed by this decades later. Although nowadays she completely accepts that one of her granddaughters is in a long term relationship unmarried and another has 2 DCs and never been married, but it's all acceptable now! People really did think so differently just a few decades ago..

I know it's hard but your mum was a product of her time and obviously not a very independent thinker. I expect she did love you though.

In the 80s my mum nearly threw me out for being a pregnant teen. The baby was adopted and she found it all very traumatic - took years before she realised it involved me emotionally! She was doing the best with what she felt and it represented her upbringing. I feel sorry for her - there has been so much more time for me to grow as a person and parent and so may resources for me to use in comparison to her reliance on her Catholic upbringing. Can you try and see it as part of her limitations rather than cruelty?

Times were different but your mum was still very unkind to you.

That was a very odd proceeding-why did they think you needed exorcism? I assume you were not carrying the Antichrist?

Those were the opinions of the times.

Different times. Back in her day it was a scandal to marry when pregnant. That kind of thing was a sin and you waited until you were married to do you know what. You had to keep up appearances for the neighbours. She was probably mortified that her daughter was pregnant and how could you do this to our family yada yada.

Thankfully we don’t care what the neighbours think about our sexual relationships nowadays. I wouldn’t worry about how it was. My mum was the same. They couldn’t help themselves it’s just how it was. But yes youre not unreasonable to expect more if it were now. But back then it’s just how it was.

2008. I didn’t understand the question at the time to be honest

she was very old fashioned in her views though

I feel like our mums would have been friends🤦‍♀️.

My sister wanted to marry in white, despite her looking much better in cream because she thought it gave the message she was pregnant.
Thankfully we persuaded her that wasn't going to be the case in the early 2000s, but it took some persuasion.
She really looks lovely in cream, but ghostly pale in white.

It’s just what people thought back in the day, it doesn’t have to be some awful comment.

Having researched my pearl clutching family tree, the number of babies born 6 months after the wedding is quite frankly astounding. The last few generations were a bunch of hypocrites!

I wouldn't dwell on it, your Mother would feel she had to be judgemental as most were in those days.