My mum was unreasonable wasn't she.

[girlfriend44]

In the late eighties, I got married in a church in a white dress. I was 3 months pregnant.
My mum was vocal and didn't think I should be marrying in a wedding dress 3 months pregnant.

Bless her she's gone now, but she did come out with them
Surely it was about me, about my day, not about her.
She also was not happy I was pregnant. She wasn't supportive but came round in the end.
Actually when I look back it was hurtful.
Everything was about her. Surely she should have been supporting me.
Never got a sorry. Never will do now.😫

The late 80s was a different century.

Husbands were allowed to rape their wives.

Let it go and let your mum rest in peace. It’s not her fault the patriarchy created a white symbol of virginity.

I was 8 and a half months gone when I got married and I absolutely wore white🤣

Time's change attitudes. But some people keep the attitudes they were born into. Not their fault,it's just the way it is.

15 years or so ago I was talking to a colleague who told me their daughter was about to be married. I congratulated him and ask ed a few question about the wed ding, just general stuff to be polite. I sensed some misgivings in colleague and they said "oh, I just wished she lived with him for a while before getting married". After a word of two of sympathy I said " can you imagine our parents saying that about us? ". Of course, our parents (we were both in our mid to late 50s) would have been less than enthusiastic about us living together without "the benefit of clergy".

But, different times, different attitudes. Your Mum was a product of her time, as we all are. Some of us can change some of us find it more difficult. Unless your Mum was the type to be generally unkind and hurtful to you, I'd just put her comments down to old fashioned attitudes and forgive.

To those who say it was different back then, not everyone was funny about things. My husband's parents were different.
His mum couldn't wait to get out the knitting needles out and we're totally nice and supportive.
As said mum wasn't supportive when I said I was pregnant either, then commented on the dress

I know it's a long time ago. I wondered if a one else had the same thing.
Also you don't tend to forget these things do you.
At a time when you needed support it wasn't there.
How can you forget that?

She couldn't have thrown me out on the street
I was engaged and living with my partner/ husband to be at that time.
God how would she have a Ted if I was 16 and still at home?

My mum still has these views and would have been devastated if I’d been pregnant out of wedlock.

I totally disagree with her views but I love her to bits and I’m dreading her not being with us anymore one day. She can hold a hundred such views as long as she stays with us.

I think your mum was a product of her time - a lot of people still thought it was shameful to be pregnant before marriage, although in the 80s it was quite an old fashioned view. I got married in 1990, was 5 months pregnant and made no secret of it. I think my mum & dad were a bit embarrassed as they were quite old fashioned. But they didn't say anything outright and they were great when baby came.

You said she ‘came round’ in the end so what is the problem? Ultimately you got what you wanted so why dwell on it? I got married in my dh’s country and my dm wasn’t very happy we weren’t having a traditional British wedding but I wasn’t really bothered about what she thought as it was my wedding.

Try to forget about it. Yes her opinion was messed up but we have all made mistakes and thought silly things at some point. Given time and experience she'd probably have come around.

Honestly I think it’s a bit unfair to judge out parents by the parenting standards of today. Back in the 80s , having children out of wedlock still attracted a certain stigma in many circles. Perhaps she was a little embarrassed but she was human and a product of her time and I think you really need to let this go now.

You don’t know what stuff your mum had to put up with that coloured her views on life. Maybe something like that happened to her but she lost it and didn’t have to marry. Who knows as you don’t know her side. She could have been well messed up. They didn’t have counselling then.

Why do you still feel angry at her? That’s more the question. What’s going on in your life now that’s making you resent how she treated you all those years ago? That’s where a counsellor comes in handy to unpick it all.

PS My mum did worse to me but I forgave her as she was a product of her time and just spouted what she heard at home. Much like her political beliefs were the same as her parents. She still dresses like her mother. God love her. She couldn’t help how she was. But I manned up and asked her about something that happened and she apologised and explained. It was a difficult convo but it was very revealing. There was stuff I didn’t know.