To think this is ridiculous? Childcare

[Catisgluedtome]

From another thread

I have seen somebody saying their child will never have a sleepover at their grandparents/aunties and so on until they're 'old enough to consent to it'.
I'm assuming you'll never dress your baby in anything they don't want because they can't 'consent' to that either?
I mean according to these people, parents are supposed to not have a night out on their own for the first 'few years'- what happens if you have 2 babies close in age?
I just think some of these opinions are ridiculous and come from a place of privilege. No matter what you'll do, you'll be vilified I suppose so may as well just do what suits you and your child best. Some parents think leaving a child with any paid childcare whatsoever even though you might have to, God forbid both go to work, makes you akin to the devil.

Babies have to be dressed, so it’s a silly comparison. Nursery is necessary for childcare. Sleepovers are — by contrast — an optional and unnecessary thing. It’s a reasonable thing to wait until your child is old enough to express they wish to sleep over. A lot of young children really would miss their parents at bedtime. Day dates are enough for my husband and me, we don’t need nights out. I imagine we will probably build DD up to sleeping over at her grandparents’ before we have another baby as we’ll need overnight childcare then, but in an ideal world I’d rather not do sleepovers before age 3 or 4 or so.

There is nothing wrong with sleepovers at a young age for those who choose to do it, but others make different decisions for their children, and that’s fine.

You’re talking as though sleepovers are essential, from the privilege of having such care on offer. Lots of us didn’t have our kids doing sleepovers until they were old enough to consent or beyond, because no one was offering one. So not, DH and I didn’t have a night on our own in the early years and we were and are completely fine. I probably wouldn’t have allowed it until the children were old enough to want to do it even if Grandma had been offering - just my preference and what works for our family.

I fail to understand how someone else choosing not to allow overnights for their young children is some sort of problem for you.

I assume what they’re saying is that they wouldn’t leave their child overnight with someone until the child was old enough to think it was fun, not just to get a night away from them. Going to visit granny for a fun sleepover at 3/4 is certainly different than at 6 months.

That said, there are lots of ways to have time as a couple without shipping your child off for the night with someone else. My dc are 7 & 12 and have never had a sleepover with a family member. Not because they don’t “consent” but because both of our mums are not allowed to do any childcare for safeguarding reasons. Our children see their granny’s under supervision only. We’ve been out to dinner with a babysitter though. They’ve been to sleepovers with friends, to school residentials, scout camps, etc.

My DC stayed one weekend night most weekends at either GP from an early age.

My and DP either went out separately, together or just lounged at home.

Both DC and GP loved it. They have such a close relationship even now as young adults and only stopped staying due to moving to university

DC also went to nursery full time so I could continue to work.

We have a lovely home, fantastic holidays (with and without GP) and given the DC great memories.

Some may consider this bad parenting. I don't.

But I also don't look at what others choose to do as wrong, just different.

I left my little girl once between the ages of newborn and three, to go to New York with work, my husband was also on a work trip.

after that, she didn’t go for sleepovers until she could tell me she wanted to.

DH and I haven't had a night out on our own since DD was born 6 years ago and we've managed OK. I don't care much about what decisions others make for childcare tbh, but it didn't suit us because I've breastfed both DDs to sleep until they were 3+, and I was happier keeping the consistency. We used daytime childcare from age 2.5 (for early years education and socialisation - we didn't need it to enable us to work) and the eldest had her first sleepver with PILs aged 4. Youngest is nearly 3 and hasn't slept over, partly because she is still breastfeeding and partly because she wakes in the night and we didn't want her to disturb PILs. DH and I have had dates during the day while dcs are in school/preschool.

Personally I never had sleepvers with my own grandparents so I don't see it as a normal/essential thing, and my parents never used evening childcare for us at all (and they're still happily married).

Some things have to be done and some things are optional.

If a parent wants to wait until the child decides whether or not they want to do the optional things that's fine.

It's good to give children choices when it is reasonable and realistic to do so. It's very good for their development.

No matter what you'll do, you'll be vilified I suppose so may as well just do what suits you and your child best.

You say this then vilify parents who choose what's best for them by not doing sleepovers 🙄

There are definitely different views towards children staying at relatives homes and I don’t think one is necessarily right and one wrong, they are just different and it’s almost like different countries with one not understanding the other. Some people do view it as an essential. I guess if you have willing grandparents then fair enough. But a lot of people just don’t. My parents died when I was still quite young so unfortunately didn’t meet my children (or husband for that matter) so that’s obviously never been an option and DHs just aren’t available; mil is severely hearing impaired and to be honest both children together are pretty exhausting and I don’t think they’d ever volunteer.

I’ve never had a night away from them - have slept away from four year old DS for the grand sum total of one night and that was when I was having his sister! But I genuinely don’t feel I’m missing out on anything because it’s just what I know, it’s how things have to be.

Honestly I think this is one of those where your view on it entirely depends on how you were brought up & your family.

If you had bad experiences yourself then you’re not going to want to repeat them for your child, and how comfortable you are with your family plays a huge part too.

I stayed at my GP frequently as a child and loved it, we have an amazing relationship, and I have no issue with my parents having my daughter overnight as a result. My mum was there when I gave birth to my daughter and I trust her to know the right thing to do more than I trust myself sometimes, I’ve got absolutely no concerns whatsoever, my daughter loves her and they have an amazing little bond. On the other hand though if my MIL asked to have her overnight it would be an absolute no- they don’t have that relationship and for various reasons including safeguarding concerns there’s not a chance in Hell I’d let her watch my child unsupervised for even 20 minutes nevermind overnight.

Exactly. The judgement is strong in your post OP. Perhaps take your own advice on board.

What other people choose for their children is no judgement on you. They probably weren't thinking of you and your parenting choices at all when they talked about this issue. I'm poor with no family around so I wouldn't have anywhere to take my baby to, but I'm happy for him to stay with me.

I just think, poor grandparents who'd probably love for them to stay over, only to be told 'No, they can't consent to it.' Quite a miserable thought.

Mmmm I’d actually say it’s the opposite of privilege. A lot of us don’t have our families close by or family members who are in a position to be able to look after very young children. So when you are the only caregivers to your child then naturally the idea of a sleepover or a babysitter when they’re young becomes a strange thought. That’s not to say I’d judge anyone else doing it, I think it must be lovely to have such close grandparents. But you need to recognise that is actually a privilege.

Poor grandparents indeed who laugh at the thought of being told they’re being hypocritical when complaining about other parents who judge when completely missing the point they’re being judgmental too.

the grandparents will cope for a couple years, I’m sure.

Ok

You carry on doing you. I think it's ridiculous and quite controlling. The end.

Utter nonsense.

I remember these ‘virtuous’ mothers who had never been out, never left their child, from when mine were little.

I didn’t take any notice of them then, either.

It’s less about that and more about not leaving overnight until the child can express that they’re comfortable with it. I remember leaving my little girl overnight and I felt so sick and anxious because I didn’t know how she felt about it. My sister, though, has been happy to leave her little boy since he was sleeping through the night. It’s personal preference at the end of the day

I think grandparents who think they’re entitled to sleepovers are ridiculous and quite controlling.

It’s about what’s best for the child, not what’s best for the grandparent.

This is another one where I don’t necessarily think there is a concrete rule for but MN seems to be passionately divided in to two polar opposite views on this.

Do whatever feels right for you as a parent. If you feel that you’re managing just fine and there is no need for you to go away and leave your child with GPs - fine. If you want to go away every now and then childfree - also fine.

With my first born, didn’t leave them until 3m for a one night occasion but felt extreme guilt so didn’t do it again until 1yo or so. With second born, left them both for a few nights from really little and then for a night (or more like a day but they wouldn’t see me the whole day and miss bedtime) every other month. The thing is, one GM is very experienced in looking after babies so I am comfortable. I wouldn’t leave them with the other GPs, not because they’re awful, just not as experienced and the kids don’t see them as often so might not have that comfortableness and familiarity.

In a roundabout way, it depends who your support system are.

Poor gp? Why on earth do you think it’s some right that they have or should have? They are not on some grand pedestal that they need to have rights to the dc.
some people do sleepovers and others don’t. What’s your issue?

One of our dc's grandparents was desperate for them to sleep over, from several weeks old.

She asked and asked and was politely told no, every time. They didn't sleep anywhere but home with either me, dh or both, until they were about 3.

MIL's wishes on the matter were second to what we, as parents, felt was best for our dc.

BIL has since had dc and she's been having them overnight nearly every weekend since their eldest was two weeks old so she's delighted now. And we get many barbed comments about how she missed out on these special baby sleepovers with ours. Oh well. No shits given here, I'd still do the same again.

I’m guessing your a grandparent whose upset at not being allowed a sleepover?
You don’t need sleepovers to bond with your grandchildren many many people never have sleepovers,
It’s important to remember that what expectations you have as a grandparent may not be the same as the parents expectations and to accept it. Alienating the parents will just reduce your time with your grandchildren.