Ghosted by my friend

TessTimoney · 2025-04-18T08:47:46+00:00

A bit of background. We met at work and have been friends for over 12 years. Both divorced and single. We holiday together and attend the theatre, cinema and local cultural events together. Every Christmas we meet up with two ex-colleague's for pantomime, lunch and exchange gifts. This year I didn't fancy the the panto and neither did the two ex - colleagues. My friend suggested we just meet for lunch and exchange gifts. I said I was up for that and would invite the others. However, the others said they had lots on in December and would rather leave it to January and I agreed as I was also very busy. I told my friend via WhatsApp (our usual communication method) but she didn't respond. On Christmas eve I sent her a Christmas greeting and wished her a lovely Christmas. I received a curt "thanks". She has ignored my suggestions for theatre visits and all attempts to engage with her. I have asked her if I have done something to upset her but she hasn't responded. I know she isn't ill because she posts on social media daily! AIBU to think she is being childish?

Svet19 · 18/04/2025 10:08

I think you should have made an effort with a pre-christmas lunch, even if the other 2 were busy. Your friend is probably thinking that she is not a priority for you and now pulling away.

ThatShyRoseViper · 18/04/2025 10:10

She probably felt quite rejected first.

CheeseAndHamToastieAndCrisps · 18/04/2025 10:16

Well to be fair you’ve cancelled on her ideas twice, maybe she’s upset.

BlossomOfOrange · 18/04/2025 10:53

Being a single parent on occasions when families are often celebrating can be really lonely times when good friends are needed - Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc. even if your parents/siblings are still around which they may not be in your friend’s case. That meet up at Christmas might be the highlight for the period for her, the connection that makes her feel valued and not alone, that stabilises her at a fraught time. All three of you flaked, you don’t have good reasons eg you’re in hospital. You’ve all deprioritised her. Why would she willingly put herself in that position again? For her to connect with you again she likely will need to feel safe with you again, that she can trust you. If you want her to be your friend you will need to work hard now, say what you are sorry for, express the kind of friend you want to be, and hope she’s willing.

BlossomOfOrange · 18/04/2025 10:54

To add, this shouldn’t be about right or wrong, a friend is hurt, go and tend to her.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/04/2025 10:57

Was she really busy before Christmas too? Or did that meet up matter quite a lot to her? How come you couldn’t fit your friend in for a lunch when it was just her but were happy to do it if the 2 other people came?

arcticpandas · 18/04/2025 11:00

I don't get why you didn't want to see her on your own? Just because 2 friends didn't want to meet up doesn't mean you couldn't have met up with her. She's probably hurt and feels rejected. Go see her, say your sorry and take her out for a coffee/a drink to make up.

TwistedWonder · 18/04/2025 11:09

Tbh I think it comes across you’re a bit of a sheep to the whims of the other 2 ex colleagues and blindly following what they want.

Shes probably thinking she’s not a priority to you and so why should she bother.

Think this is on you to reach out and maybe ask to meet up just the two of you if you value the friendship

Kitchensnails · 18/04/2025 11:12

It probably came across to her that you only wanted to go if the other 2 went as well, and she probably felt quite rejected. If you'd have said from the start sorry I can't make it, but to change your mind when hearing the others can't go is a bit savage. Perhaps it was the breaking point in the friendship, seems a bit much if everything else was fine tbh.

Rosie8880 · 18/04/2025 11:45

Send her a really lovely bunch of flowers. Add a note saying how important she is to you how much you value her as a friend. Say you miss her and when she’s ready you’d love to meet up. You have no idea really as she’s not telling you what’s up / what’s bugging her but it all started at Xmas. make a grand gesture - see if that helps X

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 18/04/2025 11:51

Your whole attitude was basically that she's not worth meeting up with unless the others are there too. Pretty hurtful for her. Don't blame her for stopping communication.

CherubEarrings · 18/04/2025 12:06

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 18/04/2025 11:51

Your whole attitude was basically that she's not worth meeting up with unless the others are there too. Pretty hurtful for her. Don't blame her for stopping communication.

This. Sorry OP I think you were wrong to do this. I doubt the friendship can be salvaged.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 18/04/2025 12:15

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 18/04/2025 11:51

Your whole attitude was basically that she's not worth meeting up with unless the others are there too. Pretty hurtful for her. Don't blame her for stopping communication.

This ^

BlossomOfOrange · 18/04/2025 12:25

Also, do you have form for flaking on arrangements with her? May be this was the last straw for your friend

EmeraldRoulette · 18/04/2025 14:20

It's really hard being the person that no one prioritises

She's probably pulling back to protect her own feelings. If I put myself in her place, I might respond to a genuine gesture which shows that she's important. But it depends on a lot of context and if you have done this to her before.

She might also just have taken on board that she's not important and left it there. She may not wish to be hurt anymore.

If you had time to see her, I don't know why you didn't just see her. Why did you need the other two? Does the friendship not stand on its own merit? I guess not, from what you're saying.

Flocke · 18/04/2025 14:30

I agree with others that she may well have been looking forward to seeing friends and everyone just basically couldn’t be bothered. So now she can’t be bothered. I don’t know why you didn’t want to meet just because the others didn’t? Why not say well Tina and Mary can’t come but shall we do something? Because by saying they can’t come so let’s just leave it you’re saying to her that you don’t want to see her alone and it’s really just the other people you want to see. And that’s fine if that’s how you feel. But you can’t then get annoyed that she now doesn’t really want to see or speak to you either.

ThatNimblePeer · 18/04/2025 14:59

She’s probably got a lot of friends with families who don’t have time for her at Christmas. She was relying on you to be the friend who did have time, but then you did to her what all the others were doing and probably made her feel lonelier. If you want to try and salvage the friendship you need to spell out to her in clear terms how important she is to you, that you recognise you fucked up with something that was important, and apologise. You need to do it by phone or in person, not on WhatsApp.

MoominMai · 18/04/2025 15:20

I hope OP you’re taking note of the replies here. It seems your friend compromised with you and the others already by dropping the panto and then you and the others repaid that by dropping all the Xmas plan and wanting a catch up in Jan which is hardly the same thing. She’s likely feeling hurt and rejected and yes YABU thinking she’s being childish. She’s upset and protecting herself from further hurt and rejection I imagine because you didn’t consider her feelings in all this but just followed suit with the others immediately when they said they didn’t even want to meet for the lunch.

IsawwhatIsaw · 18/04/2025 15:29

I think you let her down, your actions suggested it was only worth meeting up if the other friends came too.
And at a festive but often lonely time of the year. She’s probably recalibrated the friendship and I don’t blame her tbh. I think it was hurtful , even quick lunch would have showed you wanted to see her.

GroovyChick87 · 18/04/2025 15:36

She's probably taken a step back because she feels that no one in the friendship group is really that bothered. You should communicate with her and make an effort to see her if the friendship is important to you.

ChocolatesAndRainbows · 18/04/2025 15:36

Put yourself in her shoes. Every year she meets up with a friend and this year because two other ppl didn't want to do it neither did you. It probably made her feel like you aren't that bothered about seeing her.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 18/04/2025 15:43

I read this and I imagined being in your friend shoes.

i suspect she really needed or was really looking forward to the catch up / outing. Ie it was something special in her calendar and maybe her Christmas period wasn't jam packed.

I have gone to tonnes of stuff I felt very meh about because a friend or relative wanted to go or it was just a nice excuse to see them.

You (collectively) were pretty indifferent to the whole thing and it was basically binned off twice.

That is going to hurt.

She is also probably feeling like you thought she wasn't "worth" meeting solo.

Again that's going to hurt.

2024onwardsandup · 18/04/2025 15:43

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/04/2025 10:57

Was she really busy before Christmas too? Or did that meet up matter quite a lot to her? How come you couldn’t fit your friend in for a lunch when it was just her but were happy to do it if the 2 other people came?

This

and she’d probably already bought you a present

Original poster

TessTimoney · 19/04/2025 08:44

BlossomOfOrange · 18/04/2025 10:53

Being a single parent on occasions when families are often celebrating can be really lonely times when good friends are needed - Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc. even if your parents/siblings are still around which they may not be in your friend’s case. That meet up at Christmas might be the highlight for the period for her, the connection that makes her feel valued and not alone, that stabilises her at a fraught time. All three of you flaked, you don’t have good reasons eg you’re in hospital. You’ve all deprioritised her. Why would she willingly put herself in that position again? For her to connect with you again she likely will need to feel safe with you again, that she can trust you. If you want her to be your friend you will need to work hard now, say what you are sorry for, express the kind of friend you want to be, and hope she’s willing.

She had booked a holiday abroad for Christmas because she "can't be bothered with all the religious/commercial nonsense. " and doesn't really like Christmas. We usually meet up every couple of weeks for coffee/lunch but she only wanted to meet up if the others were coming. She has cancelled meet ups with me frequently in the past with very little notice. The others have told me that they find her bossy and opionated but tolerate her because she is MY friend. She in turn has critised them but still asks me to arrange for us all to meet!

OP posts:

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/04/2025 09:18

TessTimoney · 19/04/2025 08:44

She had booked a holiday abroad for Christmas because she "can't be bothered with all the religious/commercial nonsense. " and doesn't really like Christmas. We usually meet up every couple of weeks for coffee/lunch but she only wanted to meet up if the others were coming. She has cancelled meet ups with me frequently in the past with very little notice. The others have told me that they find her bossy and opionated but tolerate her because she is MY friend. She in turn has critised them but still asks me to arrange for us all to meet!

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Well if she frequently cancels meet ups with you and doesn’t like to meet alone with you… then it’s probably more fizzled out than ghosting isn’t it.